Fuck Family

I hate my life... Just to even have this post about having so much hatred to my family.. is a lie. I'm hurt.. and I can't express that anywhere but here...
A few weeks ago... I got into an argument with my sister over money of all things. and it turned into an uproar that I'm not even part of my family anymore. and a few weeks before that an argument with my other sister.. because I spent an entire day trying to put Elijah to sleep, and I asked her to be quiet because we were literally sitting in silence. and she blew me off.

Ever since than.. family stuff has been broken... My sisters wrote some shitty ass stuff about me on Facebook. and I went on social media and disowned my family.. apart from my mom and my one brother.
this is or feels like the first holiday that I'm not with them. I refused to walk into an awkward situation where people can make me feel worse than I already feel. It's been weeks since I seen or talked or heard about Elijah. I told everyone close to me not to mention my family, or Elijah.
my heart feels completely broken... shattered beyond anything...
I'm having a hard time surviving without family..
I don't know about the world today.. but I was raised where my family values are my value in general, my family is my everything, and that I would do or be anything for them. and i guess now I'm the villain for them. I'll be the object they can hate for however long it lasts, but I'll tell you its breaking me.
even as I write this tears run down my eyes.. as I feel I have failed..

when my uncle died... I promised him I'd always be there for my family, part of taking his vehicle was to honour him in what he did for my family.. he drove them places, went on road trips, and went to all the family dinners. he was a huge part of my life, and the lives of my brothers and sisters. and here I am failing him.

I'm sure he's looking down on me thinking how stubborn I am.. how I should just tell them... tell them that I need them.. that I am nothing without them.
I haven't even talked about that with anyone..

How hard it is to be alive... or to have even made that choice so many years ago to keep going..
it has always been so hard to be recovering from my deep wounds... physical and emotional.. but it always seemed worth it because I had family, I had purpose and reason. I had the connection that many people might have.
but now that I am alone.. an have been alone for days.. I'm losing focus... reason to keep moving forward. most of the time wanting to just forget I ever existed. most of the time wishing I didn't stop drinking or stop using drugs..

I'm having a really hard time..

next sunday my mom is taking her cake of sobriety for the 23 yrs..

I'm struggling at the idea of being surrounded by people who support her, but also by family that's now divided because of me. I know if I go there it'll be awkward and people won't care, but people also will treat me like garbage. and although it's not about all that, it would turn into that. so I don't know if I should go

you know the greatest thing about my family... well the family I had? was that they were always resilient. we were all the phoenix rising from the ashes....
My mom had made a decision 23 yrs ago... to quit letting drugs and alcohol control her life, and even when my dad died not even a year later she still stood strong, she had been in relationships where men had abused her, or where we were assholes to her. she could have given up.. she could have went back to a shitty lifestyle no one would have blamed her.
A few times my mom threatened that she would go do these things.. but never did.
she's resilient because she decided family was more important... that I was important, that my brothers and sisters were important. or that even her being sober was important. and for 23 years my mom made positive choices, and became a beautiful influence in our lives.. someone we can look up to and admire.
I am grateful for my mom of all people.. she is my inspiration and she is the most amazing woman I'll ever know.
regardless of my family differences I guess this is the one thing we all agree on... is that she has fought for my family, she has made a choice to be the voice of reason.
Growing up in my time... was hard.. made me scared of the world... I struggled for my many years because of the addictions of my parents, I was always put in vulnerable situations where I became a victim. but I made a choice too... keep moving forward and be resilient that things could get better.

that better is not here.. I'm crying, and heart broken at the thought that I'll be exiled for who knows how long. because of some stupid petty argument, that maybe if they knew my situation maybe they'd have some understanding.
but that's the ting about being the younger sisters... they can't know everything.. they can only have pieces of my reality.. I'm sure if they knew.. maybe they'd be forgiving.

I don't know what to do... besides to write.. because my heart is hurting today..

I need something good... sometime soon.. because I'm scared of where I am heading... theres too much darkness happening right now.. that I'm feeling consumed..