Saturday, June 3, 2017

sentimental shit

I am thinking about a lot of things today... Mainly about my lady, the one woman who has stood by me for I think 8 yrs.. she has moved to Ontario.. And I'm thinking about all those years of my life.. Why or how did I find someone so amazing?
we met one another in our darkest days... she was struggling with a lot of different things, and I was struggling with a lot more different things... and I feel like we were the oddest  friends but our one passion kept us together, we wanted to change the world..
I literally drained her beyond all things... all my texts, calls, hospital visits, cutting, suicidal shit. I was a nightmare for anyone, and honestly a lot of people bounced out of my life, because I was crazy, and if people knew why it all came together I think it would have changed a lot of things, but there's too much to be ashamed about that I couldn't imagine showing that part of my life.
I think the world says... not to be the hero complex, we can't save everyone... and no matter what I did to my lady, she would still be there by my side, and she never left me.. I haven't met anyone like her, and I can't believe how heavy it's on my heart.. I wish I could tell her what's up.. but I don't know.. out of fear? out of pride? out of not wanting her to know what's going on for me... I'm avoiding her, not that I can actually avoid her, but that I stopped messaging her, I stopped trying to get whatever..
instead I'm clinging to my own self... hoping that this mindset, hoping that this feeling is temporary an that I can survive it all.. I've been through it so many times before, I know it's possible I just have to try.
I don't wish for anything to be different I think it is whatever it is.. and I think that all my purpose, all my dreams, all my shit is up to me... it's not dependant on anyone making or coming forward. it's on my own will to survive... and sadly we all have that will to survive whatever comes up.. for whatever reason we're afraid of the unknown.. I'd say that's my biggest hindrance is not knowing what will happen when it comes to an end.. but believing so strongly it will be better than what I'm living like now.
I think I want help... I want help getting a clearer mind, getting help for whatever addictions that I'm enduring.. I just want to somehow survive... but at the same time... I honestly believe this is a constant state of being... a constant place, a cycle of beast like behaviour that I'm not sure can be escaped.. what if it's like this forever a constant need or desire to just "watch the world crash and burn" watch my life go up in flames? Maybe I'm the only one who sees these things and I just don't see a reason to keep moving forward that every time I move forward I always come back to this place.
I miss her. I miss me.. I miss us.. I miss my happiness... I miss what it felt like to actually have a purpose, have a goal! I miss wanting to change the world!

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