memories

today we celebrated my mom's 23 yrs of sobriety... it's been a long time since we decided that we are now divided.. I guess my family misses me, and loves me a lot.. at least my brothers and my older sister... I made it awkward because all of these people sat close to me... I paid for everyone's meal inspite of the fact that my sisters hate me.
I honour my mom by paying for her dinner, by paying for her cake. and by driving people home. I couldn't speak at the meeting, this is one of the first among many years of not speaking.. it wasn't hard... I don't know the entire crowd of people hear about the same story I basically share. my mom is a warrior, a survivor.. it was a little strange having people remind me of the past...
my younger brothers and sisters have it much easier than I do. which is hard to accept sometimes. I mean I'm grateful my mom smartened up by the time my younger brother was born.. but before that... for the near ten years of me suffering in those addictions...
I often find myself having flash backs... of times in my life that I'd wish I had forgotten.. I know it might "make me stronger" but it doesn't make it easier to remember what happened to me, or how I was raised, or what I went through... what I would have given just to have been loved... just to have been cared about, just to have mattered. it's hard to accept that even today.. theres a woman that loves me and wants to spend her life with me.. but because of my own history I guess it's hard to accept for myself.
I'm struggling with so much right now.. and you know when I told everyone about how my family an I aren't talking, and how I spent the holiday alone, for those that have known me for many many years.. they honestly see this as a blessing that I am not with my family, or entangled by them. it's better for me because it means I'm focusing on myself.. A lot of words fly through my friends minds, and mine when I think of what my family does to me.. apparently they manipulate me, they use me, and they take take take.. they drain the life out of me, and I give up so much for them because it's sometimes hard for me to say no to them i used to be the one person they all respected and admired.. and now I'm hated because I stood my ground, because I finally said no.. I couldn't help and couldn't support them and because of that I was the worst person alive. instead of understanding that I live in a shitty apartment, and I Drive a vehicle and I have responsibilities etx. they cut me out..
I told them again today not to remind of anything.. I thought it was interesting. my brothers and I are so similar in many ways.. we all have huge giving and loving hearts, we are passionate and kind and amazing..
but the other part of us that we have.. is that we hide a lot of everything.. tonight at the meeting everyone brought up my uncle Dave, honestly his death was the worst thing I could ever feel as and adult.. it was hard to hear about him. and brought tears to my eyes, because he was a beautiful man who loved and gave gave and gave. and he's gone.. and he connected us all... no matter what happened every holiday we were together for him.
my brother and I.. know how to bury the pain, the frustration, the anger, we are all good at tossing it aside or shoving it deep within. when people talked about my uncle, my friends even cried but I sat stone faced, not because I don't love my uncle or miss him.. but that I was raised in a different way. feelings aren't part of who I am... I don't know how to be happy anymore.. even someone said how great it would be to be normal.. Fuk I don't even know what normal is for me anymore, I showed my friend some pictures of years ago when I was not here.. and she couldn't believe how happy I was, and she basically told me to go back to that happiness.. that happiness is not here in BC... it's in Ontario..
Recently that conversation I had. because I'm talking about depression and how it's effecting me, or how hard it's been, and my friend asked.. how did you survive all these years... the past 8 yrs I survived.. because of one person, and although you should NEVER put that on anyone about being there for you, or putting that much power or devotion whatever the damn word is... I did... I put it all on one person... and she had been there for the good the bad the ugly. she had seen me at my best moments, she made me smile, made me feel love and give love, she will always be my entire world.. and she's been gone since May. and that has been a huge toll on my life that I tried for so long to pretend it didn't hurt or that it didn't matter..
and  i think a huge part of where I am at.. is because the connection, because of us not being together, talking, emailing, writing letters etx. nothing has us connected... that I'm realizing this was the end.. the end of it all, an although she'll probably think of me... during moments in her life.. this was the end.. and we will not likely be friends like that again..
so on top of all this darkness all these foggy clouds, and rain and sadness.. trying to cope with being alone, and not having that kind of person.. and although I have to do it on my own.. I cannot tell you or explain to you...the power I had just having her in my life, the love I felt just hearing her voice or seeing her face. she was my whole world, and no one could ever compare or compete with her.. she was my lady, she was my love. and I miss her
during these hard times I wish she would say something anything. I'm struggling with the constant life of everything. and I made it the last 8 yrs because I had her... I don't know why it mattered so much, but just having someone not give up on you, having someone watch out for you, care for you, love you unconditionally without limits, boundaries or boarders. someone i could be honest with, and talk too, someone who genuinely cared in a deep way that will never be known to the world.
my heart and soul always being intwined with hers.. I feel lost and I'm scared
I'm scared about the next few steps in my life.. and although I have a new best friend, while she's one of my best friends.. it's not the same.. it doesn't feel the way it felt before.. and I'm struggling with that... I need to get further help etx and I guess thats what I've done. I just hope... that I survive the next few weeks.
the only thing i say if I don't survive at least I can say I tried, I did my best, and I probably went out with knowing I tried.. maybe I failed in some ways, but I loved, lost and learned. and i loved with all my heart, and I lost all my broken pieces, and I learned to glue them back together. I tried to keep moving forward and if that isn't enough I don't know what it.