I realize more and more why I refuse to have children... there's so much uncertainty in this world, if couples will stay together for benefit of a kid, or even make a plan to go to counselling, have date night, what ever it takes to stay together...
I have watched for the past 2 to 3 weeks my sister pine over a deadbeat dad, who bailed on his son... he doesn't care about his son, he doesn't care about his family. he basically uses my sister for all this stuff and when she has nothing he F's off and goes sleeping with other women, and doing drugs and drinking. he is incapable of being a father, and is no good to Elijah.
I hate the world that accepts this disappointment.. I feel more hurt that I believed him... in the hospital and the first 2 weeks, he spouted all this b.s that he's going to be a great dad, and great parent, great boyfriend, and how he's going to wear matching clothes, how he's going to teach his son all this b.s and yet after two weeks he gave up.
he called my sister with b.s like he is scared, he doesn't want to do it, and he is going to sign over full custody to my sister, and then turns back on it. he threatens to get my sister in trouble and get Elijah taken away from him. and then if not that then he gets in his b.s addiction and depression stating he's going to harm himself, because his heart is going to give out.
I seriously despise him.. I have missed 5 days out of Elijah life... 5 F'in days out of his life! I am willing and able to take on Elijah full time! I offered and everything.. I am preparing my home for Elijah to be with me at the drop of a hat, because their relationship is so unstable... anything could happen, and if Elijah safety becomes an issue than they will call me.
I don't want Elijah forever, my sister is a great mom.. she loves him so much, and she's changed so much.. she fights for her son! she doesn't drink, she doesn't f' off every 5 minutes to make poor choices. she chooses everyday to be there for her son.. and for that I applaud her, and I'm so proud of her.
the only downfall for my sister is the idiot boyfrend, not even boyfriend he's the deadbeat dad who when he feels like giving my sister attention he comes around.. and then pays my other sister to watch Elijah rather then getting up and taking care of his own kid, he even refuses to hold his own kid seriously what the F!
I have barely let Elijah go, tomorrow I am buying him a swing, diapers, milk and more warm onesies, and what has his father done? his father has lied and lied and lied... his father has decided junk food, drugs and alcohol are more important than his own kid.. which sadly is the reality of the world where I am from.. but when I spoke with deadbeat he told me he'd be great, he spouted all this b.s that I believed.. so unless I can punch him in the face and kick him in the junk, and tell him to go to detox where he'd actually listen to me.. that is the only time I'll actually listen to him, and give him a grain of salt of respect for anything.
basically when he stops being so F selfish... when he decides to make the choice my sister made when her son was born, and when that day comes! Maybe I'll have respect for him.. MAYBE.
I don't like be disappointed and so far he's done nothing that has caught my attention, and he has done nothing that is worth my time.
It's insane... Elijah was born one month ago... greatest kid ever... I love that they came to visit me at work.. even though not only did elijah spit up on me, he also peed so much that went through his diaper and onto my shirt.. haha
Id take that any day of the week, rather than feel any bad feelings toward him. and I hope when he grows up, that he remembers me... and knows how much I love him,and how much I'm looking out for him..
I'm sure I'll be his crazy aunt! but I'll be able to love him unconditionally and without question..
but it had me thinking for sure..
I thought how great it would be to go through that terrible process to have the greatest gift ever! to have a kid... and as much as I want that! as much as I'd love to have a baby to love, and to grow them up in a beautiful way, and let them be who they are, and teach them our language, traditions, and culture etc. or even how to do soccer and whatever the kid wants to learn.. and travel with them at a young age, or whatever the case may be.
I always thought I wouldn't want kids...but my baby craze has me clipped on this idea that I want a kid... I want to share the love I have and to teach beautiful things, and to feel that connections only mothers have with their children.. but..
but.... the world we live in is cold.. the world we live in is dark... and yes light can shine in darkness, but it won't always work, sometimes darkness snuffs out the light... sometimes things are so dark and turmoil that it's just unbearable..
I couldn't raise a kid in a world like this... I am still discriminated against, I still am the minority, and I still am living in a world where people are talking about nuclear missiles, and war, and whatever else.. let alone not to forget... that there are thousands of abandoned children in Social Service system, there are children starving in 3rd world countries that could probably love some help.
My only option if I'm ever in any position would be to become a foster parent.... as much as I want to share my life with a baby, I think that becoming a foster parent is the next best thing, to be able to love young people, teenagers, or whatever the case may be.. to make a change in people's lives, to even just tell someone that I believe in them..
this would be just about as fulfilling as having a baby.. and that's why I won't have a baby.. there are so many First Nations children that are in the system who need nice homes that aren't racist, and aren't calling our parents dirty indians etc. Idk that's juts my experience from when I was in foster care, I only had 2 families that actually loved me, everyone else treated me badly..
I am just confused...and hurt right now.