day 7

Where to begin...
I guess I currently don't feel any dramatic changes in my life in whatever these drugs are supposed to do to me.. I'm still a little scared of what that would look like..
you know what's harder to see.. is that I don't know how my life became like this.. how did I become this person? what changed or happened? I'm sure very few have seen the "Sons Of Anarchy" while I own the collection and 4 seasons before Smallville I was watching SOA.. and i could relate so well with Gemma... her whole world throughout the entire series of SOA.. is about her love for her family, and she falls apart without them... hits rock bottom..
I feel like that... My family was my whole world.. the people I couldn't count on, but were always there, and the love in Elijah's eyes, in his smile, warmed my soul... and having that beautiful light gone from my life... all's I see and feel is darkness, heartache and pain.. I guess it's accumulated of many things not just family stuff.
but at day 7 I'm not sure what is supposed to be... apparently I won't see changes significant or otherwise until 6 weeks... so I guess I'll see what happens..
other than family... I guess it's friends...
I had appointment today with my counsellor discussing the last few weeks... it's funny when I can be honest with someone and have them think how admirable it is, about my honesty, my dedication or whatever to have been in the face of so many temptations and to not have reacted... but been able to have the courage to walk away, and not destroy things that could have been significant change in my life.
I always miss my lady... there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking of her... and wondering how she's doing and surviving in the beautiful cold world of Ontario but I'm sure she's doing well and living well. and not worrying or thinking of me which apparently is my whole plan.
I'm losing my mind with all these thoughts about what I could say and do to just hear from her.. I recently went through my old phone because I thought maybe I hid some voicemail messages she had left me like 7 yrs ago.. when I was hospitalized for my stuff... I was a loser and wanted to hear it every day and every second of every day... I wanted to hear her tell me she loved me, and that i could get through this, and that she believed in me... I thought maybe I was psychotic enough to get that on one of my recordings on one of my phones, but so far no luck.. a bit disappointed because it would be great to hear from her.
I don't know how to let her go... I mean I Have in the sense that Im not crying out for her, and not calling her and sending her fucked up messages... but my heart and soul yearn for that deep beautiful connection... there is no one in the world that can compare to that beautiful soul... and I wish her all the best..
other then that... my friends here....well we are struggling in one way or another and I don't know how to be there for anyone right now... I hardly know how to be there for myself, and take care of myself. I can't even provide the necessities for myself... let alone be there to listen or guide or give advice to anyone..
I guess in some way I'm basically just avoiding them.. and it sucks but I guess that's what I do when I feel whatever I feel.
other then that my constant idea of running away keeps coming back.. I would love to get out of here and just go far away and be with my psycho, the one that loves me in whatever limits that is... but that's just insanity.. the extent of that thought is that I would love to be there with her.. but I can't.. there's no future for me there, and although people think I'm doing great and I could do anything, I can't do anything... this job and life is all I know and at this time it's all Im good at.. I want more and desire more.. but I don't know what that means either... I don't know what to do with my life.
I some times regret not making the choice to go through with school and the education and training I once wanted... how great that would be.. but I don't really know why I would want to do that... aside from the fact that it's what I wanted since i was like 10 yrs old...
a couple days from now... is my dads death anniversary... is it terrible that i still remember it? I still remember who he was, and what he did for me...how much I believe that he loved me.. or even the day I found out he died etx.. the most traumatizing event in all my life... was losing my dad.. the one guy who loved me beyond all things.. and I miss him often... but I feel like I shouldn't feel whatever I feel about him being gone.. but I can't help but feel that... it's just who I am? I don't know why...
I took friday off maybe take a day and just acknowledge him and who he was to me.. and let him know I miss him.. is that lame?
I don't know I don't like telling many people because I feel like there's a lot of judgement like I should "just get over it" cause it was almost 23 yrs ago... it doesn't make sense to feel what I feel about that.. but i can't help it.. I guess I grew up with this and it's hard to just let go of.

Im losing my mind.. and Im exhausted.. what I would give to get dedication to learn German, and just travel to Germany to meet my friend how beautiful that experience would be!