Tuesday, September 26, 2017

no one ever tells you the truth

I don't even know where to begin... I'm so disappointed in myself and my choices...
so... I guess I'm completely insane, and I hope that anyone who reads these posts doesn't really know who I am... that I'm just going to rant about all this bs because it helps at least I hope it does..
I asked for advice from different people and had different responses about whether the choices and decisions I'll make are even worth it... some say yes maybe, others say definitely no because it would destroy everything that matters.
so I am the worst person the face of the planet... I'm supposed to be loving this one person not forever, but at least caring for her and wanting her in my life in a way that isn't with anyone else. for some time this was true, I made an effort.. I avoided even looking at other people. and I only wanted my current girlfriend..
I made a decision that I thought was just between friends and nothing more.. and I guess I opened the door to something else.. something that can damage not only my current relationship but my friendship and I don't know what to do.. because a part of me wants to let go of all my morals and whatever I am and just say yes I want this.. and yet the other part of me.. is that my friend is someone who knows me beyond all things, all my everything...like nothing can be more personal then what her and I have... and here I am all confused... because I'm supposed to be not feeling what I feel. and now I'm confused.. because I don't know what I want anymore... and if I open this door any further it could destroy our friendship and we may never be friends again. and do you know how that would work? I guess it could be ok.. because I'll be moving away anyway..
but my current girlfriend wants me forever...but she's also in another province which is why things are so difficult to figure out.. because she's not here... I see her maybe 2 times a month in person, but otherwise I'm alone...aside from the random Skype nights that we talk, but even then we don't talk about much.. we don't have that much in common, and we have different tastes in everything. it's almost like two opposites. which made it seem more fun because it's an opportunity to grow, and also IDK.
but in my previous relationship... I used to say thinking of it is cheating... thinking of sleeping/kissing or touching another person is considered cheating...whether that be true or not.. IDK. but if it's true than I've already been an idiot because I wanted to sleep with my friend... except that nothing has actually happened, we just talked... and were like intimate and connected in a way that no one really knows... i guess? but then the other part of that.. is i  continue.. with that.. she'll know all my flaws, all my good and bad, all my moods etc.. it's almost predictable..
here I am stringing along my current girlfriend because I wanted to be with her.. I like the person I am with her, and I like how she pushes me to grow and be more than I am..
I know it almost seems obvious that we go for the things that are more challenging... but the whole being 964 kms apart is causing me issues because I can't cry in the arms of my love, I can't sleep and wake up next to my love, and I can't randomly see her at any point.. it takes forever just to get to her.. so I don't know if it's worth it.
she's not able to move here and I'm not able to move there.. I mean not at this time... if things change with my work I might consider it.. but my job is keeping me here, because I'm good at this work and I want to continue with that.
the other part..is maybe understanding my friend may be just experimenting with ideas but doesn't actually know what it's like to be in a relationship, so for her it could be just a fling with me.. where as I could likely get attached and want everything, and I'd not be able to handle the break up and/or the thought that maybe it's just a fling, a crush, a fun thought..

I wish I wasn't in this place... because I don't know what to do.. and if I am honest about what has happened..then I could lose my friendship and my partner. so I don't know what to do..
I don't know how to close a door once it's been opened... I'm worried about how that would look and how that would play out... because I think a part of me will always desire more, but also be completely understanding about the decision and what it will cost.. maybe I should remind her of that and see how she'd like to proceed.. or should I be straight up and say I can't.. now is not the time for me to be acting or reacting to those moments, because I am in a relationship and last thing I want to do is hurt her. although if she finds out, it will have already hurt her.. and she wouldn't forgive me for it.

losing my mind.. and I don't know what the heck to do anymore

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