Monday, May 29, 2017

back to the beast

you know I honestly thought I was done with all the darkness.. I thought that i somehow have done well enough in my life that I'd be ok. it was november or december that I applied for a new counsellor dude believe me that was hard, because I had entrusted one person for so many years...and now she's gone.. school and all that jazz.
anyway I applied for counselling because I was scared of how I'd feel if the surgery ever came up... as I applied to get "Nerve Block Surgery" and I was on a 6 month waiting list... so anyway I applied and I was fast tracked, because honestly this very situation.. is that I was afraid of the memories and feelings that would arise in going back to 8 years ago from when I tried to end my life, and ended up with 35 stitches in my left arm..
anyway.. the day finally arrived.. and it was somewhat beautiful! my lady was here from out of town visiting, and IDK I guess I was just glad to finally get rid of the nerve pain in my arm. and it all worked out, my lady was there and she took care of me.. she listened to my BS. it honestly made me think why in the world is she my friend? what does she get out of being my friend? anyway I was taken care of by mere and christine. and I lived... I survived with a new scar that went from my forearm to after my elbow.. one day someone look up nerve block surgery on the ulner nerve and you'll see what king of scar I have.
anyway time eased on.. living... this surgery was on May 4 so over two weeks ago.. and here I am.. struggling... feeling overwhelmed and feeling like the world is coming crashing down on me, and worse off.. that beast! that darkness, that black hole inside my soul started to rupture.. started to overflow into my life...and for the first time in a long time I thought about committing suicide, not only that but I remembered all my entries from what my plan was for after my death and how I wanted my body to be cremated, or how i wanted all my possessions destroyed and honestly the only thing that would be left of me was my two pets.
then of course having to think about how would I die? then I remembered that... for the 1st time at my age, I'm dealing with a strange situation where my heart may give out.... my heart is working too hard for the blood in me.. and who knows how long this has been going on, but one day my heart will give out and that will be the end of me. not that I can make the end of my day sooner, but I guess this is the slow death that I'll be facing. unless they find a way to fix me, but I don't want to be fixed.
in counselling we talked about the beast.. we talked about how alone I feel,and how much I miss my lady, and how I don't want to burden others the way I did with her. we talked about how my culture is a huge part of the pain that I feel, and the effects of colonization and how it played a huge part on my life, and the choices I've made, and the person I've become!
in the end it doesn't change that I want my life to end.... and that I welcome the idea because I feel like I've contributed enough of my life to others, I've given every piece of my heart away! like that story as it comes to mind.. two men walk into a room... one with a beautiful shaped, an shiny heart and the other with a broken, taped and not so nice looking heart, and some of the pieces of his heart were deformed, and wouldn't fit. and when the perfect heart guy asked why is your heart that way, he then replied... I've given a piece of my heart to people I meet, and sometimes they give me a piece of theirs which is to account for not fitting, or pieces that are missing where he loved someone and wasn't loved back.
I'm at a point in my life that I feel like my heart is done... I've given my heart and soul into everything I do, I have been a good influence as best as I can, and according to my brothers and sisters I've been a good role model.. I didn't get to do the 3 things I want to do to accomplish my life.. but I lived...
I have hundreds of people living in the world that can say they were touched by my life... and what more does the world need from me? because I'm sad.. I'm hurt
I'm disappointed in myself for my addiction, as that's what brought this all on! is that I was withdrawing last 24 hours and have to make a decision about what I want with my life... and how i want to stop being a hypocrite by telling others to quit being addicted and as much as I hid it.. I am and addict and I am hurting and I want that to stop.. so I'm making that change soon. but I'll tell you I don't ever want to feel that withdrawal again! because I felt as thought I was dying!

Im trying to figure out what I want from my life, and what more there needs to be from me... because I am ready to let go! I'm ready to say goodbye to this miserable life.. and find my next journey... I honestly hope that I keep moving forward, but I expect the hard ships to continue and my strength is fading, and the loneliness has taken hold of my soul.. I'm not sure how to survive.
hopefully another 24 hours.

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