Thursday, June 1, 2017

she has me thinking

So I've been contemplating this life or future or whatever... I hate when I hear that my potential is being wasted but it's absolutely true... apparently I'm a smart cookie... an I should get back into trying to go to school... but I don't know if I can do that... I mean I guess I'll try but I think I can guarantee it's slim to none chance, even if I get into school I would have to find funding..
I still think its easier to make the harder decision and just let everything go.. I don't know why i keep saying that my only explanation is that the "beast" has risen and its scratching at the surface and it's hard to supress how I feel and the feeling of lost... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know if I should be making changes in my life.. or if I should quit my job and go far away lol not that there is anywhere to go..
I honestly thought about writing my lady... but I've already tried and failed, crashed and burned... so I'm trying to be content with letting go of that whole thing, and to try and prevent her from finding anything out about me. I mean I'll always and forever love her! beyond all things and I'll always want to be there for her... but I think that she is living her life in whatever way she is and it's just time to let that be the situation? I was telling someone that she's given enough! she was there for me in ways no one ever was or is. she will always be a part of the beautiful story of my life, but I also think if she can go and live her life without worrying about me or talking to me why not?I think and maybe being selfish but think it's time to let that story end.. and new one begin or maybe not tell her..
I guess I just don't want her to worry.. I want her to believe everything is fine, and that I'm perfectly happy and content.

It's not like I'm cutting... I mean I've been able to be pretty distracted most of the time, and honestly its just I'm on the fence.. I really think that I've lived a long full life and that it's time to let go.. or just take me away.. I may not have been able to accomplish the 3 things.. but I know some people will do that for me..
I had a hard time hearing that I have this leadership skill, or this wise beyond my years, or something like my reason for existing hasn't revealed itself yet. I honestly just hope that I'm only here for someone else to survive.. like those movies where people give up their lives, give up their hearts, or give up something for someone to make it.. a piece to the puzzle, and to be able to die in that honor.

I'm acting crazy.. I know.. I'm tired..

Tonight I wanted to come home early enough to actually go to sleep! and I was driving and thought man I should pick up some water and some snacks, and cereal! I decided to go to grocery store, and as I was leaving.. this woman that i've seen in the similar circles, and through cultural events.. I seen her as i was leaving, and of course you'd think we'd just say "hi how are you" and have a good night. but her night just got heated up... her keychain broke as she was getting out of her vehicle and she had locked her keys in the vehicle, on top of which she didn't have a spare key, and she locked her phone in the car.. as she was just grabbing a couple items.
so of course.... "superman saviour mode" or a "respect my elders" to try and help. I offered to drive her here and there, I gave her my phone to use, and I did my best. and then I thought maybe someone at my moms house knew how to break into cars! and of course no they didn't but their men they have to try!
so I picked them up... and within 15 to 20 mins... YAY my brother broke into his first vehicle! lol I think i spent and hour with her trying to figure out what to do... I told her to get a spare key... I have one and it's at home.
Anyway. it all worked out... but I thought about it... I'm not exactly sure how i know this woman, aside from being around at friendship centre, or at cultural events, but we don't actually know each other. and when I told her who my mom was she seemed surprised.. but when she found out who my uncle was, she knew who I was? IDK..
so my yeah I'll go home and be in bed on time! didn't work out and my brothers and I helped this woman break into her car! and thankfully she was on her way. I gave her a new key chain that i was using to lock my Naloxone to my bag. but I never used it, so figure this is the perfect opportunity for it to be put to good use. DONE deal
but right there... that was purpose... that was reason for existence.. and that's what I think I need. is there a light is there a future for me.. can I just be given some direction or idea of what it is that i'm meant to do because as much as I love my job I know there is more that I can be doing, and I just want to move forward...or not move at all...
what if this is it? what if there is nothing else other than this because in that sense... I don't want to keep going... I hate my life and the way things are, and how I'm always struggling and can't even afford to survive as a single person. it's driving me crazy! poor people on welfare have it easier than me! YUCK!
Im losing my mind... and I'm losing my sense of belonging? my sense of purpose?

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