1st day

I hardly know where to begin..I feel like things are falling apart for me... I recently met a police officer who's the same age as me.. and thought where did my life go? how did I not get in those damn shoes, and then look down at my arm and remember why I can't become a cop.
and then today having to be honest with myself about what I'm going through..
I guess I'll be brutally honest about some stuff...other's can stay hidden in the dark because it's too much in my head.
I've been struggling the last few weeks.. with people writing about their encounters with sexual assault but even before reading that...  I was struggling with flashbacks, memories of times in my life that I was in a vulnerable place.. I have been sexually abused, I have been taken advantage of and I have been this that or the other thing...
but the hardest part of the sexual whatever... is continuing to see that person who abused me, that person who touched me every day... I want to stab him and tell him to tell the truth.. because I tried to tell someone and no one heard me. no one believed me, they said it's wasn't possible... that's hard to hear... you know as a kid when it happened it was "well it's your fault" or "what are you doing wearing those PJ's or something so ridiculous that made me think these things that happened to me were my own fault. I'm fcukin losing my mind with this idea that everything is my fault.
I am directly responsible for every bad thing in the world because that's basically what I've taken on. I didn't try enough, I didn't fight enough, I didn't stand up for the little guy, I didn't fight the bully, I didn't speak the right words, and I didn't deserve to be loved. etx.
I'm losing my mind... and the other day when I was talking to that cop... I remembered what it was like to be out on the ledge... ready to jump.. well wanting to jump my life was so terrible, and I remember why and I still don't talk about it which is probably why I'm back here..
on that ledge ready to jump, the negotiator who was sent to save me, or help me or support me.. she helped a lot and I'll never forget her.. and I can't believe she stayed with me.. she helped me in my moment of crisis, and it was beautiful.. and even after that.. she came to hospital with me.. she even asked what made me get down from the ledge... reality is most of the time  i don't want to die, it's just hurting and it's unbearable...
and of course in all this madness of thinking about all these things, my anxiety rises, and I am reminded about how judged I am... because of the scars on my arm, or because I have long history of many suicide attempts.. it may  not be on official police records but it's there written notes of every encounter I've had with police, all regarding my desire to jump off the ledge, to bleed to death, or to pop a bunch of pills to end my life
I'm struggling a lot more.. honestly I think I sort of know what part of it is... and I am the worst person on the earth for it.
so first off... I'm a cutter.. I self abuse with cutting myself... I've done this for about 17 yrs and I love it, desire it, need it, yearn for it etc.... a few weeks ago... I lost the blade that I use for cutting..
funny the reason I lost it.. was I felt I was finally at a point in my life that I didn't NEED to carry it around anymore.. that one item, that sense of security, or whatever it fucking did for me. so I stopped carrying it,and I put it away.. and I forgot about it.. but when something anything happened it was the first thing I tried to reach for.. and unfortunately so much time had passed I lost the blade... and I lost my mind, I had anxiety forever, I tore my entire house apart.. and I accused people who had been in my home of stealing it.. ended up I hid it in a place that only i could find it, and somewhere I wouldn't normally look.. Anyway the relief of finding it.. I hadn't used it.. it was just I needed it, I only feel safe or whatever the fuck it is.. when I have the blade with me.. and now after that incident I won't let it go again, that was so hard to deal with.
anyway imagine that feeling of whatever the fuck it is... and imagine me feeling that towards a person. a person that never gave up on me, that loved me, and was there for me in more than normal ways.. well that person is gone,and for the first time in a long time I feel her gone... and although she had said we would always be connected etc.. that I'll never have to worry etx.. I must say I'm worried... I feel like I've lost everything... lost my family, lost my love, an I'm drowning... drowning in all the pain in the world and I just want it to stop.

as a result my doctor started me on antidepressant pills which in all my years of life I'VE NEVER done, because no one had ever diagnosed me with this... and I"m terrified.. Im scared of what will happen, scared of what will change, scared of what I might do when having a bad day, and if I'll even be able to continue moving forward? I don't know but for the next 6 weeks I guess I'll see where I land, if I survive...
as I fade away
Im exhausted Can't write anymore