It's been a few days since I've written and there is so much going on sometimes I wish that I could just runaway...hide away..but I've been saying that along ass time..it's my coping mechanism.
Two days ago... I
I was at a funeral...
some of the worst moments of my life... I wished that I could be late, I wished that I wasn't there.. I wished I could die...I couldn't find myself at all...I couldn't picture myself walking into that room....I couldn't do it..
I sat outside the room...I couldn't go in...I could only picture what it looked like when I seen my father..the only thing I wanted to do was drink...jump off a bridge...just forget all these things that have only caused me so much pain..
When I finally went in..I had waited...
I waited to witness some of the worst moments ever known to the history of our lives...
I walked outside...and my cousin...my cousin...Lee-anne... broken crying...falling...she couldn't even bring herself to come into the place straight..I could smell it on her breath...and I couldn't help it...I wanted to runaway, run to the store and get my stuff and just get shit faced because I never ever want this stuff to happen...
what made it more worse was that....
When my father died...there were only TWO people there for me... Trevor and Lee-Anne... NO ONE else was there for me but them...so for me to have been there on their day....I knew they felt that...
I sat in the back at the funeral...by myself...avoiding tears...cutting myself so I wouldn't cry because my sisters were there...I couldn't show them my tears..I couldnt show them my pain.. I could not even begin to think of myself falling apart there...
At my cousin Brian's funeral...I cried..I cried so much because I remembered him so well and I missed him so much..it had been ten days after I moved here that he died...
so for me...to be sitting there not even six months after moving home... it tore me to pieces..I felt like I had brought nothing but pain since moving back...but my counselor said..Im the glue thats been holding EVERYONE else together...and yet Im falling apart..my body, my emotions..my everything is giving out on me...all that ray of hope that I had is gone...all that love that I had has vanished in the blink of an eye...the love and respect my friends...family members had for me.. was no where to be found... I sat there by myself...I sat there by my damn self...all these damn people tell me they'd be there for me...but everyone went on life as if it had been another day.. the only one that really understood my pain was my friend in Germany..she was the only one that realized how difficult this has been for me..
when we were told to say our final good-bye's to Bruce..I wanted to walk the other way...I didn't want to say bye...I didn't want to go to the coffin..I was so terrified...so everything horrible...
however...because I've become more close to my cousin Lee-Anne she ended up sitting with me..and bringing me up there with her...
My baby sister Bil-lee was behind me...so I bit my tongue I couldn't cry... I couldn't avoid the pain that was bleeding from my heart...walking by my cousin Trevor...and he knew what I already knew...that I've been dying inside...he saw it in my eyes...when I shook his hand..he was the only one...that came with me when I went outside...I wanted to hit something..I wanted something anything just stop this aching in my heart...and Trevor was there...he was there... the one man that I've trusted..and loved so much...he was there... we were there for eachother..and it changed everything...
I went back in...and Lee-Anne was up...walking toward her father...in the coffin...and I had to leave...but I knew I had to witness this moment... so I stood there biting my tongue....as I watched my 24yr old cousin...throw herself onto his coffin...crying...sobbing...tears that would never end...her mother had to bring her away from him...and we stood at the doorway and she kept saying I can't leave him..I can't leave him....
I couldn't help but reach for her...and cry... for the first time all that time..I stood there along side my cousin..and cried with her...sobbing in my arms...I couldn't help but squeeze her tighter adn tell her I loved her...adn NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER!
After the funeral...
there was a reception...just a block away..we went for all of fifteen minutes...and ran to the liqour store... we bought cases of beer...and just walked the streets..drinking...crying...laughing...
When I got buzzed...I tured to Lee-Anne and Trevor and I said.. "I LOVE YOU GUYS.. you were there for me on the worst day of my life...and I am here for you"
I reminded them of the worst day of my life...and how much it still means to me that they were there for me... we cried and opened another bottle..poured some out for my dad..and her dad.. and drank...as much as our mouths could allow us... we were all just so broken...
Forever I will be reminded of the image..of watching my cousin lose her father...forever I will be reminded of what it was like to see him in the coffin.... saying Good-bye... I grabbed his hand...and I said "good-bye bruce, I love you"
Some of the worst moments of my life...passed me by...and it was horrible....
I've been there for my cousins ever since....calling them...calling them...just saying I love you.. it's the first time we've done that for so long..every time we talk... I love you...because it's time in my life that I realize yet again how extremely important it is to say I love you...
The next day..Tuesday...
I ended up in the hospital... I have been put on bed rest because I sprained my foot...while walking at a park...or whatever.... for the next fourteen days...
these deaths..this pain will sink in...and Im scared...so scared that I'll fall apart...fall to pieces but I know that I can't...and that's what scares me...my cousenlor said to keep myself busy and now all of a sudden I can't move...
I just hope that I find people I'll need by my side...to help me through this...and help me keep busy because Im really scared...I dont want to fall apart..I dont want to break down...not again because Im scared of what might happen this time around....
that's my story...these are the worst times of my life...and I just pray or wish that things will start looking up from this....
night
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
added grief
I have no idea where i been or what I been doing. I know that I have been losing my mind, losing my life in a person..in people... losing myself in all this stuff that isn't me...going out of my way for others and just about shattering because I have been made of glass lately...everything affects me and everything is killing me.
it's all my fault...it is it really is... I shouldn't have done that..I should have been there..and I shouldn't have ever thought that way...I should have just walked away..I should have just I dont even know...but I should not have been in this situation and it is my own damn fault..
Today well resting..sleeping..dreaming...wishing...hoping... I heard this thing... "it's so difficult to love, it's painful... but to hate it's so easy, so concrete." is that why we go from loving someone to hating them? I dont know...I mean really I wouldn't hate anyone unless your one of the many criminals that messed with my family...but other then that I wish that I could stop loving, stop being there...but it's not me...
I don't know what I was thinking..I knew that I really loved the situations I had...the moments I had...and the everything...all those little moments...those sparks of life..of joy..of happiness but like all things..it came to an end...something that had to happen and something that really hurt me...
I have not been doing well since then at all...I been hitting things, cutting and just hating on myself because I really can't believe all that I allowed myself to become around this person... why couldn't I just stop? why did I have too...why did I want too...and why did it ever happen?
So confused..so hurt..and so just totally in love... lol..
love is not this....my cousins call it lust...my family calls it love...and I call it NOTHING! I just am the way that I am... it ain't got nothing to do with all that... i mean... I loved...i loved...but i hurt..
I hated..that..more then anything... because I acted so stupid..been so stupid...nothing but tears in my eyes...hurt in my heart..and pain in my life...
how do we let this go? how do we move on from these situations..and how do we get over these things....I don't know if I could..not sure if I want too...because the feeling was so nice...so uplifting...so everything that brought a bit of hope into my life...
it's all over now...it's all done....no one's fault but my own...but not really..but I'll take the blame for everything...I'll take it all because you know there ain't nothing else...left...nothing....
if not just that difficult time...it could not come at a worse time...a time I needed them with me.. Im going to cousins dad's funeral tomorrow and Im scared as hell...I dont think I can handle this.. I dont think I can live with myself...I don't think I want to go through this all over again.. it will hurt way too much...and I wish that I wouldn'thave said or done those things..cause I never wanted someone with me more then I do now...
either way..Im going drinking tonight..with some friends...they bringing me out..which is a good timing.. obviously not working tomorrow... but yeah... I dont know what to do anymore....
I had nightmares for so long what it would be like to see this all replay...to have this situation come into my life again...now it's here..and im scared...im really scared...and I wish they would be here...but I messed up.. they not going to forget that...and I will never allow myself too either.
this is going to hurt...hurt more then anything ever could...and no one will see the wounds I will suffer tomorrow..but I'll be drinking regardless of everything..I dont care..I will not be able to do this even if someone paid me too...the memories..the pain...I know what will happen..and I know it all.. i won't be able to do this...but Im going to try my best.... I just man alive..I have no idea... I just wish that I didn't mess things up at a time like this..
grief has been added onto me...and responsibility...on top of just everything...and if I had the money I'd just leave because I dont know what else to do anymore...but I should call..they should call...but it hurts too much because I messed up so bad...and i never be forgiven..well i know them pretty good they might forgive me...but I can't...cause this is my fault..how do I forgive myself for acting so foolishly? I will never fully recover from this...and Im so scared.. that might destroy me.
it's all my fault...it is it really is... I shouldn't have done that..I should have been there..and I shouldn't have ever thought that way...I should have just walked away..I should have just I dont even know...but I should not have been in this situation and it is my own damn fault..
Today well resting..sleeping..dreaming...wishing...hoping... I heard this thing... "it's so difficult to love, it's painful... but to hate it's so easy, so concrete." is that why we go from loving someone to hating them? I dont know...I mean really I wouldn't hate anyone unless your one of the many criminals that messed with my family...but other then that I wish that I could stop loving, stop being there...but it's not me...
I don't know what I was thinking..I knew that I really loved the situations I had...the moments I had...and the everything...all those little moments...those sparks of life..of joy..of happiness but like all things..it came to an end...something that had to happen and something that really hurt me...
I have not been doing well since then at all...I been hitting things, cutting and just hating on myself because I really can't believe all that I allowed myself to become around this person... why couldn't I just stop? why did I have too...why did I want too...and why did it ever happen?
So confused..so hurt..and so just totally in love... lol..
love is not this....my cousins call it lust...my family calls it love...and I call it NOTHING! I just am the way that I am... it ain't got nothing to do with all that... i mean... I loved...i loved...but i hurt..
I hated..that..more then anything... because I acted so stupid..been so stupid...nothing but tears in my eyes...hurt in my heart..and pain in my life...
how do we let this go? how do we move on from these situations..and how do we get over these things....I don't know if I could..not sure if I want too...because the feeling was so nice...so uplifting...so everything that brought a bit of hope into my life...
it's all over now...it's all done....no one's fault but my own...but not really..but I'll take the blame for everything...I'll take it all because you know there ain't nothing else...left...nothing....
if not just that difficult time...it could not come at a worse time...a time I needed them with me.. Im going to cousins dad's funeral tomorrow and Im scared as hell...I dont think I can handle this.. I dont think I can live with myself...I don't think I want to go through this all over again.. it will hurt way too much...and I wish that I wouldn'thave said or done those things..cause I never wanted someone with me more then I do now...
either way..Im going drinking tonight..with some friends...they bringing me out..which is a good timing.. obviously not working tomorrow... but yeah... I dont know what to do anymore....
I had nightmares for so long what it would be like to see this all replay...to have this situation come into my life again...now it's here..and im scared...im really scared...and I wish they would be here...but I messed up.. they not going to forget that...and I will never allow myself too either.
this is going to hurt...hurt more then anything ever could...and no one will see the wounds I will suffer tomorrow..but I'll be drinking regardless of everything..I dont care..I will not be able to do this even if someone paid me too...the memories..the pain...I know what will happen..and I know it all.. i won't be able to do this...but Im going to try my best.... I just man alive..I have no idea... I just wish that I didn't mess things up at a time like this..
grief has been added onto me...and responsibility...on top of just everything...and if I had the money I'd just leave because I dont know what else to do anymore...but I should call..they should call...but it hurts too much because I messed up so bad...and i never be forgiven..well i know them pretty good they might forgive me...but I can't...cause this is my fault..how do I forgive myself for acting so foolishly? I will never fully recover from this...and Im so scared.. that might destroy me.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
moments you wish you could hold forever
I've been through alot of garbage this past week...some moments where I had thought I would be gone..I thought I would have wasted away...that I couldn't do this and even if you paid me to survive nothing could make me feel better from all this kind of pain...
However...like all drama queens..there's perspective...and there's reality... Even though I was frustrated..lost..hurt...alone...dying..wasting away.... I never really was... I was just hiding..and being scared to deal with the emotions of living my life...living my life knowing the losses that we are forced to suffer.
i hit a few things...i hurt myself a lot...and I really wanted to just who knows really.. I wished.. if one wish..it would have been just to hide... at NLGH...be there sitting by the lake...and just looking at those beautiful weeping willows..and just in the atmosphere for enjoying life....or having those I needed by my side...so I didn't have to suffer this kind of pain alone..and even then I ain't never suffered this alone, and it ain't that bad...I mean it brought up a lot of pain for me because it reminded me of my father's death and nothing has or will ever hurt me more then losing my dad..so going through this loss..was like going through my dad's loss all over agian.. this time it was changed though cause I have thousands of responsibilities..and just too much to take on that I had to runaway..
either way...
pushing past all those things...pressing on in my life... and trying to be sure that I making my priorities straight..because I dont think I could handle another break down because it was hard enough the first time...that the second time I am worried about what I would become... this death has changed me...i look at things differently.
cause when my dad died...I never got to say goodbye..he just died... and that has always been something that bothers me.. especially when it comes to love..or speaking with my heart.. like when I talking to my sisters or something... I always tell them I love them..hug them...and everything because you never know when your last days are...and so yeah...we have to be sure.. that we tell them we love them... i make it a big effort in my house to have that kind of love here cause I know how important it is, and I know how much children of all people need that kind of love.
i have returned home...yet again...this time better head on my shoulders and I not running anytime soon.... my babies (brothers and sisters) all got together an cleaned up the whole house.. I feel so bad everytime I leave now...cause I know they doing all these things becuase they miss me so much..if I not working Im at people's houses sleeping...or at ...yeah... anyhow... i feel bad.. cause my brother has a picture of us in his room, my sister is sleeping in my bed.. and I just like...this is crazy...what's wrong with me? why did I leave..why do i keep running away like that.. I know why.. it's not that I can't handle them...but that I can't handle myself... cause I know what I become when Im hurt..and I never want people I love around me because I lash out in anger...
im really tired..
I am realizing more and more..in my life that I do some messed up things...and most of the time I dont regret them...but sometimes....like lately..with a situation with my sisters' nightmare I just can't stop myself from being angry... always thinking if my dad was alive what would he do you know? because for me...I like the father in my family.. I be here to protect them.. I mean I been doing that all my life...and it's always been my job...and for me.. I dont know..I just like hurting myself..hurting people...and just all llike how do we deal with that kind of pain?
I seen him today..I seen the man that molested my sister...and I wish there was not a police officer near by because I wanted to hit him..if not that then.. his lawyer was there...I guess he saw me try and take a punch at that bastard.. but I didn't I wasn't that stupid...might of been angry as hell but I wasn't going to do it...it's pointless.. he paying for what he's done...
anyhow...im too tired..to talk anymore.. i been up forever..and my kitty is here..so I have to bring her to bed..before she gets all krazee again...
good night
oh...lol...
the only reason I wrote about the title...lol
there have been some really amazing wonderful moments..that sometimes I wish that I could just have a memory that would remember those moments...remember everything...the feelings.. the greatness...and not have a camera...but like just be able to come to a place..if I was low in my life this is the person I can think about because we had so much fun..and I was so glad to be alive.. so hurt yes...so hurt...not cause of this situation but because I just allow myself to take on way more then I actually should..
anyhow...i had a few more then a few moments that I wish that I could hold with me forever.. and just have that time..of just laughing about it...or feeling that love that's there...its amazing...
ok...now I really have to go!
However...like all drama queens..there's perspective...and there's reality... Even though I was frustrated..lost..hurt...alone...dying..wasting away.... I never really was... I was just hiding..and being scared to deal with the emotions of living my life...living my life knowing the losses that we are forced to suffer.
i hit a few things...i hurt myself a lot...and I really wanted to just who knows really.. I wished.. if one wish..it would have been just to hide... at NLGH...be there sitting by the lake...and just looking at those beautiful weeping willows..and just in the atmosphere for enjoying life....or having those I needed by my side...so I didn't have to suffer this kind of pain alone..and even then I ain't never suffered this alone, and it ain't that bad...I mean it brought up a lot of pain for me because it reminded me of my father's death and nothing has or will ever hurt me more then losing my dad..so going through this loss..was like going through my dad's loss all over agian.. this time it was changed though cause I have thousands of responsibilities..and just too much to take on that I had to runaway..
either way...
pushing past all those things...pressing on in my life... and trying to be sure that I making my priorities straight..because I dont think I could handle another break down because it was hard enough the first time...that the second time I am worried about what I would become... this death has changed me...i look at things differently.
cause when my dad died...I never got to say goodbye..he just died... and that has always been something that bothers me.. especially when it comes to love..or speaking with my heart.. like when I talking to my sisters or something... I always tell them I love them..hug them...and everything because you never know when your last days are...and so yeah...we have to be sure.. that we tell them we love them... i make it a big effort in my house to have that kind of love here cause I know how important it is, and I know how much children of all people need that kind of love.
i have returned home...yet again...this time better head on my shoulders and I not running anytime soon.... my babies (brothers and sisters) all got together an cleaned up the whole house.. I feel so bad everytime I leave now...cause I know they doing all these things becuase they miss me so much..if I not working Im at people's houses sleeping...or at ...yeah... anyhow... i feel bad.. cause my brother has a picture of us in his room, my sister is sleeping in my bed.. and I just like...this is crazy...what's wrong with me? why did I leave..why do i keep running away like that.. I know why.. it's not that I can't handle them...but that I can't handle myself... cause I know what I become when Im hurt..and I never want people I love around me because I lash out in anger...
im really tired..
I am realizing more and more..in my life that I do some messed up things...and most of the time I dont regret them...but sometimes....like lately..with a situation with my sisters' nightmare I just can't stop myself from being angry... always thinking if my dad was alive what would he do you know? because for me...I like the father in my family.. I be here to protect them.. I mean I been doing that all my life...and it's always been my job...and for me.. I dont know..I just like hurting myself..hurting people...and just all llike how do we deal with that kind of pain?
I seen him today..I seen the man that molested my sister...and I wish there was not a police officer near by because I wanted to hit him..if not that then.. his lawyer was there...I guess he saw me try and take a punch at that bastard.. but I didn't I wasn't that stupid...might of been angry as hell but I wasn't going to do it...it's pointless.. he paying for what he's done...
anyhow...im too tired..to talk anymore.. i been up forever..and my kitty is here..so I have to bring her to bed..before she gets all krazee again...
good night
oh...lol...
the only reason I wrote about the title...lol
there have been some really amazing wonderful moments..that sometimes I wish that I could just have a memory that would remember those moments...remember everything...the feelings.. the greatness...and not have a camera...but like just be able to come to a place..if I was low in my life this is the person I can think about because we had so much fun..and I was so glad to be alive.. so hurt yes...so hurt...not cause of this situation but because I just allow myself to take on way more then I actually should..
anyhow...i had a few more then a few moments that I wish that I could hold with me forever.. and just have that time..of just laughing about it...or feeling that love that's there...its amazing...
ok...now I really have to go!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
calming down
where to begin?
Losing my uncle the way that I had...or watching my cousin suffer the loss of her father.. was very overwhelming.. I honestly did not think I would make it through such a time as this...
I mean.. I felt so alone..so just dead person walking.. trying to deal with my frustration, trying to deal with the hurt...and trying to be human and just cry... it didn't work for me too much at all..
I have new bruises, new scars...and new not so great stories about what's been going on in my life the last while...
I drank Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday..but I hadn't had a drink since then.. Im not sure why I was drinking... I just felt so overwhelmed..
If not dealing with this loss... I had my other responsibilities that were taking a huge toll in my life and I felt like I couldn't do it.. I thought that I was going to end my life...
that's not something anyone wants to hear, or something I should have been feeling... however when it comes right down to it...
I had the responsibility of taking care of my family..and I kept running from that because I couldn't handle it... I hated being at home because it only just brought so much stress, so much pain in my life..
The loss of this man...really tore me too...because it reminded me of my father's death.. the feelings of lossing a father...the pain, the agonizing pain..suffering...grieving..and just wanting nothing more then to end it all..be with the one I love...
It was really difficult time...
however... going to counselling really helped my mind... I mean I walked out of counselling feeling so much better...I had tried so much to explain myself to all my homegirls and my cousins but they didn't understand, or have the time or patience to listen to me... or just let me be... but in counselling...having that perspective from someone on the outside of it really saved me.. just days earlier I had tried cutting myself in ways I can't even explain to you...
but counselling...it really was amazing..it was like just what I needed at a time like this.. I was a little afraid to go because I didn't want to cry and I didn't want to talk about cutting...or anything...but it all worked out for the better...
I mean we had our serious talks, and then we had a few laughs...and it just was a good balance of exactly what I needed... it relieved alot for me..I went away from that just smiling because I felt so much better...like this huge burden on me just was able to finally be lifted off, and that I was able to gain perspective of what I was thinking or doing with myself...
Tonight is the first night I been home... it's going alright so far only because EVERYONE is sleeping... so it's nice and calm...its good to be home..I mean... I loved being gone because it was relaxing and everything..but there is no place like home...
i haven't been eating well..or at all... everytime I get emotional I get really distant from people, food, and just really mentally burdened... and I distract myself by hiding out...
tonight.. I wanted to go to the beach..I wanted to go and just be by myself.. and just turn everything off and just sit there...but I could not stop thinking of my kitten...Exodus...
I mean..I haven't seen much of her lately..and I know how much she misses me.. do you know how much? she's sleeping in my lap right now... Im so glad that she knows who I am..and that she knows how much I love her..I am so excited to see what she become as grows older... I am so glad to have her...
well if not just that..i know my family's been missing me...my younger brother was like "wow it's been so long since i seen you"... I wanted to cry because I felt so bad that I allowed myself to fall apart and hide away..however if I had to stay here..I would have said or done some things I would regret...so yeah there isn't much I can do about that..you know?
as for anything else..well there's alot more thoughts going through my mind...thoughts of just people... a person... tonight I had some really good time alone...while working of course.. and I thought about so much things...and just realized some things...and I just don't know... I know what I should be doing, and I know what I should be saying...but I dont know... I dont know if I am capable of doing that... I thought about it...and am going to go write about it as soon as my laundry is done...
other then that... i have no idea...im just getting back to normal...my mind is finally strengthened and my stress has decreased...and I feel like I can make it through this..I feel like I can survive this and just for now that's really important to me because before I didn't think I could.. I wanted to start giving away precious things of mine...that's how serious I was becoming about losing my mind..losing my life...wasting away is what I had called it...
i feel like I've found my balance though..and that i've finally been able to find that place of rest..
i was thinking about my future...someone a friend asked what I would do if she became a cop before i did... and I kinda was like that's great...but really.. I'd be thrilled.. because someone has a goal..someone has something they are working towards..and I know she was just joking or thinking in theory... but I was really glad to hear her heart about what she wanted to do with her life... I love having people like that in my life..people who know what they want to do, or what they would like to become..
I mean I know it changes..believe me I know... I went from social worker, youth worker, corrections cop, pastor, motivational speaker, teacher, to now a police officer. you might think this was in the last few years but this was the last few months.. I was really confused about what I wanted to do...but the thing with that is that they all have something in common...something that I've had a strong desire for all my life...
all those things are something to do with helping people...bringing people from dark places, or just helping people...
To me it doesn't matter what I do... As long as at the end of my life... I would have people at my funeral saying "jessie helped me through this, or through that, or taught me this...or helped me become what I am today" I mean...just helping people for me is the greatest reward and achievement for me...
I look at my life..and I seen my adopted sister... she is completely grateful for me being in her life, in the past and even now...she made it through alot, we made it through alot..and we are still closer then ever and just so full of life...
if not that..then my younger sister... she's the greatest joy in my life...maybe that's why it was so hard for me to be at home...because I did not want to cry in front of her.. anyhow.. my younger sister..has always meant so much to me... I had raised her since she was born...I favored her, and took care of her all her life...and am still doing that now.. I hope that she becomes something amazing and I believe she will..because I will always be here for her... I love her to pieces..
anyhow...now Im just talking....talking....talking...
Im getting tired..going to watch a movie..and fall asleep..after grabbing my laundry... I have to carry Exodus upstairs...she so cute I love her so much!
good night
Losing my uncle the way that I had...or watching my cousin suffer the loss of her father.. was very overwhelming.. I honestly did not think I would make it through such a time as this...
I mean.. I felt so alone..so just dead person walking.. trying to deal with my frustration, trying to deal with the hurt...and trying to be human and just cry... it didn't work for me too much at all..
I have new bruises, new scars...and new not so great stories about what's been going on in my life the last while...
I drank Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday..but I hadn't had a drink since then.. Im not sure why I was drinking... I just felt so overwhelmed..
If not dealing with this loss... I had my other responsibilities that were taking a huge toll in my life and I felt like I couldn't do it.. I thought that I was going to end my life...
that's not something anyone wants to hear, or something I should have been feeling... however when it comes right down to it...
I had the responsibility of taking care of my family..and I kept running from that because I couldn't handle it... I hated being at home because it only just brought so much stress, so much pain in my life..
The loss of this man...really tore me too...because it reminded me of my father's death.. the feelings of lossing a father...the pain, the agonizing pain..suffering...grieving..and just wanting nothing more then to end it all..be with the one I love...
It was really difficult time...
however... going to counselling really helped my mind... I mean I walked out of counselling feeling so much better...I had tried so much to explain myself to all my homegirls and my cousins but they didn't understand, or have the time or patience to listen to me... or just let me be... but in counselling...having that perspective from someone on the outside of it really saved me.. just days earlier I had tried cutting myself in ways I can't even explain to you...
but counselling...it really was amazing..it was like just what I needed at a time like this.. I was a little afraid to go because I didn't want to cry and I didn't want to talk about cutting...or anything...but it all worked out for the better...
I mean we had our serious talks, and then we had a few laughs...and it just was a good balance of exactly what I needed... it relieved alot for me..I went away from that just smiling because I felt so much better...like this huge burden on me just was able to finally be lifted off, and that I was able to gain perspective of what I was thinking or doing with myself...
Tonight is the first night I been home... it's going alright so far only because EVERYONE is sleeping... so it's nice and calm...its good to be home..I mean... I loved being gone because it was relaxing and everything..but there is no place like home...
i haven't been eating well..or at all... everytime I get emotional I get really distant from people, food, and just really mentally burdened... and I distract myself by hiding out...
tonight.. I wanted to go to the beach..I wanted to go and just be by myself.. and just turn everything off and just sit there...but I could not stop thinking of my kitten...Exodus...
I mean..I haven't seen much of her lately..and I know how much she misses me.. do you know how much? she's sleeping in my lap right now... Im so glad that she knows who I am..and that she knows how much I love her..I am so excited to see what she become as grows older... I am so glad to have her...
well if not just that..i know my family's been missing me...my younger brother was like "wow it's been so long since i seen you"... I wanted to cry because I felt so bad that I allowed myself to fall apart and hide away..however if I had to stay here..I would have said or done some things I would regret...so yeah there isn't much I can do about that..you know?
as for anything else..well there's alot more thoughts going through my mind...thoughts of just people... a person... tonight I had some really good time alone...while working of course.. and I thought about so much things...and just realized some things...and I just don't know... I know what I should be doing, and I know what I should be saying...but I dont know... I dont know if I am capable of doing that... I thought about it...and am going to go write about it as soon as my laundry is done...
other then that... i have no idea...im just getting back to normal...my mind is finally strengthened and my stress has decreased...and I feel like I can make it through this..I feel like I can survive this and just for now that's really important to me because before I didn't think I could.. I wanted to start giving away precious things of mine...that's how serious I was becoming about losing my mind..losing my life...wasting away is what I had called it...
i feel like I've found my balance though..and that i've finally been able to find that place of rest..
i was thinking about my future...someone a friend asked what I would do if she became a cop before i did... and I kinda was like that's great...but really.. I'd be thrilled.. because someone has a goal..someone has something they are working towards..and I know she was just joking or thinking in theory... but I was really glad to hear her heart about what she wanted to do with her life... I love having people like that in my life..people who know what they want to do, or what they would like to become..
I mean I know it changes..believe me I know... I went from social worker, youth worker, corrections cop, pastor, motivational speaker, teacher, to now a police officer. you might think this was in the last few years but this was the last few months.. I was really confused about what I wanted to do...but the thing with that is that they all have something in common...something that I've had a strong desire for all my life...
all those things are something to do with helping people...bringing people from dark places, or just helping people...
To me it doesn't matter what I do... As long as at the end of my life... I would have people at my funeral saying "jessie helped me through this, or through that, or taught me this...or helped me become what I am today" I mean...just helping people for me is the greatest reward and achievement for me...
I look at my life..and I seen my adopted sister... she is completely grateful for me being in her life, in the past and even now...she made it through alot, we made it through alot..and we are still closer then ever and just so full of life...
if not that..then my younger sister... she's the greatest joy in my life...maybe that's why it was so hard for me to be at home...because I did not want to cry in front of her.. anyhow.. my younger sister..has always meant so much to me... I had raised her since she was born...I favored her, and took care of her all her life...and am still doing that now.. I hope that she becomes something amazing and I believe she will..because I will always be here for her... I love her to pieces..
anyhow...now Im just talking....talking....talking...
Im getting tired..going to watch a movie..and fall asleep..after grabbing my laundry... I have to carry Exodus upstairs...she so cute I love her so much!
good night
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
death is deserves pain
so....
the last two weeks my cousins grandma died and my other cousins dad died this last saturday..
I aint been home in days..I go home shower change and leave....
being me...being me...overwhelming feelings of pain that is unbearable.. i ain't never felt so stupid, so helpless an so hurt it ain't even possible to tell you anything..
i have continuously cut myself..continously hit something and continued to think of killing myself.
i not sure but it's overwhelming and painful.. there hardly ain't nothing to live for..but gratitudes of pain beyond recognition..
just the other day I wish .....
i wished I could cut myself so deep that I had 15min to live...tell my family I love them and just die..cause this shit is way too much for me...
NO ONE I mean NO ONE ain't never been there for me...and I keep hitting things, I keep hurting people..and keep wanting to die..
nothing making me happy anymore..
people tell me..kids make me happy
they ain't doing nothing but making me really angry and wanting to end it sooner... how messed up is that.. i mean...what the heck..
i picked up a piece of glass and just cut myself because i hate this feeling..
I not able to be home...I not able to deal with that responsibility..or LACK of understanding of the kind of pain I dealing with..
of all things the one person I dont even like..guess what? he came by! my sisters father came by the day after my cousins dad died...and I just wanted to knock him out because I can.. I so angry with the world..so angry with everything...trying to deal with all this shit has been way too much. I ain't got no one but my family..no one but my family...no friends...they ain't been there for me since i moved back...no one knows what this has been like and how fucked up this has been for me..
day before my cousins dad died i thought of reading him the bible..but i couldn't..I couldn't even picture myself picking it up...after all this stuff i had to go through I didn't want to even imagine picking that up...people tell me have faith...there ain't no faith here...nothing but pain...strong desire to join them...cause this has been way too much for me.. I aint even home now.. i can't stand my family..
i only been there for my two cousins and my adopted sister...other then that there ain't NO ONE THER FOR ME! I hate the world...I hate my life..and I everyday ready to just let it all go..
the first night.my cousin tried to walk on the train track..and I allowed her to push me..what does it mean to me...
people tell me i change lives...there ain't no lives changed..nothing but pain..nothing but corruption and pain..it ain't cool... that's the story of my life..
i been cutting and hitting things for days...minutes..seconds...i aint want nothing to do with the reality of dealing with the feelings of losing this kind of family member...
the day my other cuz and I found out this shit went down..we both were ready to hurt someone.. but for me..I was like... this ain't that persons fault I was just looking for someone to hurt so I didn't have too... its been too much going on...
i ready to runaway..hide... just forget it all..
but i know my cousins need me as I need them...
they were there when my father died..I be there until the day I die...i ain't had that much love for many people...but those two mean the world to me...
anyhow i gotta go i ain't even at home...i just chilling with some friends cause it's too much for me to be home..everytime I am..i always only thinking of one thing and NO ONE wants to know what thsoe thougghts are..i just glad that i got someone who is somewhat helping in the best ways they know how..
I LOVE YOU UNCLE BRUCE!!! REST IN PEACE>>>>>I TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGTHER<<<<<
R.I.P. Bruce S.
the last two weeks my cousins grandma died and my other cousins dad died this last saturday..
I aint been home in days..I go home shower change and leave....
being me...being me...overwhelming feelings of pain that is unbearable.. i ain't never felt so stupid, so helpless an so hurt it ain't even possible to tell you anything..
i have continuously cut myself..continously hit something and continued to think of killing myself.
i not sure but it's overwhelming and painful.. there hardly ain't nothing to live for..but gratitudes of pain beyond recognition..
just the other day I wish .....
i wished I could cut myself so deep that I had 15min to live...tell my family I love them and just die..cause this shit is way too much for me...
NO ONE I mean NO ONE ain't never been there for me...and I keep hitting things, I keep hurting people..and keep wanting to die..
nothing making me happy anymore..
people tell me..kids make me happy
they ain't doing nothing but making me really angry and wanting to end it sooner... how messed up is that.. i mean...what the heck..
i picked up a piece of glass and just cut myself because i hate this feeling..
I not able to be home...I not able to deal with that responsibility..or LACK of understanding of the kind of pain I dealing with..
of all things the one person I dont even like..guess what? he came by! my sisters father came by the day after my cousins dad died...and I just wanted to knock him out because I can.. I so angry with the world..so angry with everything...trying to deal with all this shit has been way too much. I ain't got no one but my family..no one but my family...no friends...they ain't been there for me since i moved back...no one knows what this has been like and how fucked up this has been for me..
day before my cousins dad died i thought of reading him the bible..but i couldn't..I couldn't even picture myself picking it up...after all this stuff i had to go through I didn't want to even imagine picking that up...people tell me have faith...there ain't no faith here...nothing but pain...strong desire to join them...cause this has been way too much for me.. I aint even home now.. i can't stand my family..
i only been there for my two cousins and my adopted sister...other then that there ain't NO ONE THER FOR ME! I hate the world...I hate my life..and I everyday ready to just let it all go..
the first night.my cousin tried to walk on the train track..and I allowed her to push me..what does it mean to me...
people tell me i change lives...there ain't no lives changed..nothing but pain..nothing but corruption and pain..it ain't cool... that's the story of my life..
i been cutting and hitting things for days...minutes..seconds...i aint want nothing to do with the reality of dealing with the feelings of losing this kind of family member...
the day my other cuz and I found out this shit went down..we both were ready to hurt someone.. but for me..I was like... this ain't that persons fault I was just looking for someone to hurt so I didn't have too... its been too much going on...
i ready to runaway..hide... just forget it all..
but i know my cousins need me as I need them...
they were there when my father died..I be there until the day I die...i ain't had that much love for many people...but those two mean the world to me...
anyhow i gotta go i ain't even at home...i just chilling with some friends cause it's too much for me to be home..everytime I am..i always only thinking of one thing and NO ONE wants to know what thsoe thougghts are..i just glad that i got someone who is somewhat helping in the best ways they know how..
I LOVE YOU UNCLE BRUCE!!! REST IN PEACE>>>>>I TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGTHER<<<<<
R.I.P. Bruce S.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
changes
..lots has changed.. I guess..
past fun times have become a bit of a burden..
I haven't seen or heard from anyone or anything.. I mean I guess who really knows you know?
Im a little frustrated that I don't hear from her as much, and that when I do call her she hardly has anything to say... She is someone that I love to pieces because she's one of my greatest friends...she's someone that i love knowing, and hope that as much as things are changing.. I hope that her and I would still remain as close as we've been...
I dont know what to think... I dont know what to do...
I sleep so often and hardly have anything to talk about...
nothing happens anymore.. the only excitment I have is my kitten.. the greatest little cutey in the world.. she's so precious and yet so lonely.. I mean she can hardly get around because the other cat will beat her up...
I mean..
in all my years of my life.. looking at the past few years.. I know that' i've had to let people go, that I've had to learn to lose friendships... not lose them but things always change.. learning to get used to changes not fun or easy. its more painful then anything.. everytime I've had to let go of a friend I've always felt a piece of me go away because there's always that something great about that relationship... so to have to do this all over again.. especially with this kind of friend.. it makes it almost unbearable just because I love this friend so much... but it doesn't look so good anymore..it looks like that this might need to happen.. I dont know.. maybe Im just being dramatic...
but maybe Im not.. maybe Im still trying to hold onto this person, still trying to guide this person or something.. who really knows...
I just know that it's been really painful.. and it's not getting easier.. it's getting more difficult to be there, or know if I needed them will they be there for me..
changes changes changes..
there are no words spoken when ending a friendship, no words spoken anymore.. no thoughts, no nothing... no words.. and I just hate that.. because this thing is about to end... this thing that's always had a place in my heart.. and now it's like a piece of me is about to die.. we will live in the same area and probably see eachother around.. but I might have to let them go.. I might have to just turn around walk away and im not sure I can do that... Im not good at doing that.. i always have a problem doing that.. I always have a problem just letting this all go...
why is this the kind of person I am? I mean if they called me and asked me to be somewhere or that they needed me..regardless of how I feel right now..I'd still do it...
he y could ask anything of me and I would do it because thats the kind of person I am..I allow people to find great joy in being my friend.. no reward in return.. but they always have me.. I dont even know what to do about that anymore.. how do we change from that kind of position.. how do we not care.. how do we become someone completely different.. I mean..
lots of people love who I am, and what I've become... but it's also somewhat like a burn out.. cause Im always the one.. it's always me.. and no one has ever lost me.. but I've often lost my friends for many reason..but none like this and that makes it more difficult.. nothing can be so dreadful then this...
gotta go babies are home from school
past fun times have become a bit of a burden..
I haven't seen or heard from anyone or anything.. I mean I guess who really knows you know?
Im a little frustrated that I don't hear from her as much, and that when I do call her she hardly has anything to say... She is someone that I love to pieces because she's one of my greatest friends...she's someone that i love knowing, and hope that as much as things are changing.. I hope that her and I would still remain as close as we've been...
I dont know what to think... I dont know what to do...
I sleep so often and hardly have anything to talk about...
nothing happens anymore.. the only excitment I have is my kitten.. the greatest little cutey in the world.. she's so precious and yet so lonely.. I mean she can hardly get around because the other cat will beat her up...
I mean..
in all my years of my life.. looking at the past few years.. I know that' i've had to let people go, that I've had to learn to lose friendships... not lose them but things always change.. learning to get used to changes not fun or easy. its more painful then anything.. everytime I've had to let go of a friend I've always felt a piece of me go away because there's always that something great about that relationship... so to have to do this all over again.. especially with this kind of friend.. it makes it almost unbearable just because I love this friend so much... but it doesn't look so good anymore..it looks like that this might need to happen.. I dont know.. maybe Im just being dramatic...
but maybe Im not.. maybe Im still trying to hold onto this person, still trying to guide this person or something.. who really knows...
I just know that it's been really painful.. and it's not getting easier.. it's getting more difficult to be there, or know if I needed them will they be there for me..
changes changes changes..
there are no words spoken when ending a friendship, no words spoken anymore.. no thoughts, no nothing... no words.. and I just hate that.. because this thing is about to end... this thing that's always had a place in my heart.. and now it's like a piece of me is about to die.. we will live in the same area and probably see eachother around.. but I might have to let them go.. I might have to just turn around walk away and im not sure I can do that... Im not good at doing that.. i always have a problem doing that.. I always have a problem just letting this all go...
why is this the kind of person I am? I mean if they called me and asked me to be somewhere or that they needed me..regardless of how I feel right now..I'd still do it...
he y could ask anything of me and I would do it because thats the kind of person I am..I allow people to find great joy in being my friend.. no reward in return.. but they always have me.. I dont even know what to do about that anymore.. how do we change from that kind of position.. how do we not care.. how do we become someone completely different.. I mean..
lots of people love who I am, and what I've become... but it's also somewhat like a burn out.. cause Im always the one.. it's always me.. and no one has ever lost me.. but I've often lost my friends for many reason..but none like this and that makes it more difficult.. nothing can be so dreadful then this...
gotta go babies are home from school
future events
I was looking at the bruises on my knuckles the scars... and then the scars on my arm, the scars on my side.. and I only thought of this because my counselor had mentioned something..
either way I wondered what my life would be like in the future you know? to be thirteen years older and looking back at this time.. and regretting what i've done.. regretting the scars on my body...
at the same time...however...these are stories... each wound represents a memory of a terrible time in my life..and a hope for a good testimony in the future sometime...
I dont know anymore..
I dont know whats going on inside my head.. there are things I want to say but can't, things I'd like to leave but can't...and there are secrets I want to share but won't... there are hardly words to say...
I've been fairly actually really emotional lately...not entirely sure why... my job takes alot out of me...and I hate that I can't see my friends and family any longer.. no more partying, no more time with my family..and if I am home i'm too tired to even do anything...
not sure if this is the kind of life I want to lead...regardless that this job is paying my bills.. I did not move back to BC to be my own person, and always working, being angry with my job or with myself... I wanted to be here for my family..
do you know I havent made it to any of my sisters soccer games since they started? that's really terrible... because those are the important times in life..if not that I also did not make it to my nieces' recital which really made me angry..I can't even remember why I didn't make it to that.. I wish I had because she won an award and everything..
however..at the same time....
looking at everything... I mean..
what happened to College? what happened to police force? and everything.. it's like everything else is put on hold because I work night shifts and sleep during the days..and every chance I can I try my best to see the good people in my life...although it never works out which really has been a big disappointment for me..
i mean do you know.. I haven't been to my favorite restaurant since I was with Emily? that's a long time ago..and if not that I have not tried one of the best milkshakes on West 4 yet.. I have had no time for anything...no time to even think sometimes...
and if I am thinking..Im always being confused..frustrated...hurt...angry.. its always everything but happy... and this is not the person I want to become.. I want to enjoy life.. I want to bring life to all those who come my way.. I want to go play pool on a Saturday night with my cousins and close friends... I want to enjoy a quiet evening with my brothers and sisters playing that stupid game "scene it" I mean..
I dont know...its been a rough day..a rough week.. and I just looking forward to it ending.. I just want to get some fresh air... I want to runaway really.. really I do.. I mean I've not felt so strongly about running away but I do now.. I just want to get away from all these thoughts, all these people...all this responsibility..
I just want to go and just enjoy some time by myself.. no phone, no computer.. just sitting by the water and writing.. I mean do you know how long it's been since I've written a story... I have an inspiration idea of what i want to write...but I have no time to write it.. and its just frustrating...
who knows where things will go from here...
Im just really wanting to get back on track with everything and stop this nonsense of just sleeping.. why do we sleep.. why does the world sleep..why can't we just get things done.. lol...
alright while I guess Im going to sleep....
night
either way I wondered what my life would be like in the future you know? to be thirteen years older and looking back at this time.. and regretting what i've done.. regretting the scars on my body...
at the same time...however...these are stories... each wound represents a memory of a terrible time in my life..and a hope for a good testimony in the future sometime...
I dont know anymore..
I dont know whats going on inside my head.. there are things I want to say but can't, things I'd like to leave but can't...and there are secrets I want to share but won't... there are hardly words to say...
I've been fairly actually really emotional lately...not entirely sure why... my job takes alot out of me...and I hate that I can't see my friends and family any longer.. no more partying, no more time with my family..and if I am home i'm too tired to even do anything...
not sure if this is the kind of life I want to lead...regardless that this job is paying my bills.. I did not move back to BC to be my own person, and always working, being angry with my job or with myself... I wanted to be here for my family..
do you know I havent made it to any of my sisters soccer games since they started? that's really terrible... because those are the important times in life..if not that I also did not make it to my nieces' recital which really made me angry..I can't even remember why I didn't make it to that.. I wish I had because she won an award and everything..
however..at the same time....
looking at everything... I mean..
what happened to College? what happened to police force? and everything.. it's like everything else is put on hold because I work night shifts and sleep during the days..and every chance I can I try my best to see the good people in my life...although it never works out which really has been a big disappointment for me..
i mean do you know.. I haven't been to my favorite restaurant since I was with Emily? that's a long time ago..and if not that I have not tried one of the best milkshakes on West 4 yet.. I have had no time for anything...no time to even think sometimes...
and if I am thinking..Im always being confused..frustrated...hurt...angry.. its always everything but happy... and this is not the person I want to become.. I want to enjoy life.. I want to bring life to all those who come my way.. I want to go play pool on a Saturday night with my cousins and close friends... I want to enjoy a quiet evening with my brothers and sisters playing that stupid game "scene it" I mean..
I dont know...its been a rough day..a rough week.. and I just looking forward to it ending.. I just want to get some fresh air... I want to runaway really.. really I do.. I mean I've not felt so strongly about running away but I do now.. I just want to get away from all these thoughts, all these people...all this responsibility..
I just want to go and just enjoy some time by myself.. no phone, no computer.. just sitting by the water and writing.. I mean do you know how long it's been since I've written a story... I have an inspiration idea of what i want to write...but I have no time to write it.. and its just frustrating...
who knows where things will go from here...
Im just really wanting to get back on track with everything and stop this nonsense of just sleeping.. why do we sleep.. why does the world sleep..why can't we just get things done.. lol...
alright while I guess Im going to sleep....
night
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
cutting
I had an appointment today...with my counselor.. we talked very briefly about cutting...
It came to my mind..how long that life style, that addiction has been in my life..
I thought of when it started...I never really thought of it before today... my counselor and I talked about what was happening around the time that I started cutting.. it was all emotional abuse from my mom's ex-boyfriend.. for me to show him my hurt and pain..was a weakness he played on...he preyed on me being weak and he often found ways to torment me... to hurt me, wound me... and I found myself with a blade.. and execto knife... at first.. it was so difficult to cut.. it was too hard I had to run my hands under cold water in order to do it... as time continued on, the abuse continued on...and I no longer had to use the water to numb my hand...arm.. side.. or whatever...
If not that... then in that time...I had been with my first love.. his idea of pain was hitting things and it encouraged me to continue to cut...everytime he would hurt I would hurt too.. and I dont know...
Im not really sure exactly why...I do it..
but my guess is that in my weaknesses (emotions being a weakness for me) I have to cut.. I have to control how I feel... I can't show people or anyone that I can be hurt... that' sounds so childish but that's me..
when I was younger... or even just a few months ago.. I used to sit and watch the blood drip from my hands.. and just the idea of knowing no one can hurt me, only I can hurt me.. thats all I thought about back then... when I found out my sister was molested..then I really went all out. I ended up in the hospital.. and got seven stitches for my wounds...nerve damage too...
The idea of talking about cutting is always very difficult for me.. it's one of those things..those walls I don't want to go there and i'll avoid it at all costs.. because when I am forced or choose to talk about it... that's when I realize the pain it brings on myself, the scars, and the pain and hurt it brings onto those I care about... not something I want to remind myself everytime I do it.. because it just makes it worse.. it hurts too much..
I remember in Ontario.. after i heard about what had happened to my sister.. I did not feel a reason to live anymore.. I felt that I had failed on my promise, I had failed on protecting my sisters..and i deserved nothing but pain... i cut myself as often and always as much as possible, as deep as possible... i felt so low in my life... so broken..and had no idea how and if I'd ever make it through that tragic time.. anyhow.. I had one friend...
She had only been my friend for a few months.. and I shared with her my cutting problem.. and one day she asked to see it... and she cried.. she hurt..and she cleaned my wounds.. because I never do... I don't know why... but either way...she sat there with towel in hand...cleaning the wounds on my arm..and I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything.. I just wanted to do it again because I was so upset that I had told her...because she always asked me why do I always wear long sleeve or why always so different..
My other friend in ontario..he was different...everytime I cut.. he would say he was going to cut himself for me cutting..cause he wanted me to know how much pain it brought on him when I cut myself... it didn't help me.. i just didn't tell him i did it any longer..i lied to him...
my most recent wounds were these last few weeks... almost losing my friends has been a battle that I felt I could not win.. and i felt that I did not deserve friends like that if I was that stupid.. so I cut myself.. and then when I found out the pain and suffering my cousin had to deal with.. I was really upset.. and I didnt want to show my family that I hurt that way.. I felt that I had to conquer those feelings so that I didn't have to show my family my tears, my one and only weakness are my feelings...that's why I love writing...
Today....
Well it didn't start out good at all.. i didn't have enough sleep.. and meeting with my counselor an talking about cutting really made me uncomfortable.. knowing..that Im sitting there aching because my side is still trying to heal from most recent events.. no more bandages just trying to keep it good..
after I left counselling... I wanted to go home...
however it did not turn out that way.. I was bombarrded by some idiot that I wish I had hit.. however for whatever reason he didn't deserve my throws I was already emotional.. But I was so embarrassed by him...he was a drunk native reaching for drinks in his beg, and talking to people.. and people were looking at me.. and I felt like just knocking him down.. telling him how much he is a disgrace to his people... how I was embarrassed just to be the same color as him, and so...
I didn't get on the bus.. I just went to go and try clear my mind of all these thoughts...
work was even worse. I always thought work would be my place of just quietness.. just trying to get my tasks done and just everything... but like everything..it all went wrong... I felt like crying.. but I wanted to cut instead.. everything seemed to go wrong at work and it made me so mad so hurt..so much...everything today just really piled up and I wanted to put everything done and just grab a blade and do it.. cause I knew I'd feel better if I had..
at the end of the night..I went to take out the garbage..and I accidently bent my body the wrong way and healing wounds were reopened and I could not move... I felt so much pain... it started bleeding again...
my night still did not end... my other supervisor came and mentioned to me I had forgotten something upstairs..and I was so furious because I really was in a lot of pain adn I just wanted to leave...I tried my best to stay as calm as possible but it was so difficult with all this things going on in my head...
by the time I did leave..the store that I go to after work was under renovations..i knew that I needed my store..so i travelled all the way to kingsway and Joyce.. after getting my slurpee and my smoke.. I sat there and just finally finally seriously finally was able to calm down.. just to stop thinking about EVERYTHING that went wrong, or the thoughts that I had.. and I was able to just sit and relax...
it didn't help that I am overtired.. that I really need to sleep right now...
at the end... theres another song..not many people have heard it..but if you've been drinking with me then you've heard it...because it's one of my many many favorite songs...
"Open Wounds"
In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you I
'm gone, I'm gone
And you can't stop me from falling apart '
Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
[Chorus]
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?
Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change I'm never good enough
And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
[Chorus]
Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??
You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]'
Cause my self-destruction is all your fault. [Chorus]
It came to my mind..how long that life style, that addiction has been in my life..
I thought of when it started...I never really thought of it before today... my counselor and I talked about what was happening around the time that I started cutting.. it was all emotional abuse from my mom's ex-boyfriend.. for me to show him my hurt and pain..was a weakness he played on...he preyed on me being weak and he often found ways to torment me... to hurt me, wound me... and I found myself with a blade.. and execto knife... at first.. it was so difficult to cut.. it was too hard I had to run my hands under cold water in order to do it... as time continued on, the abuse continued on...and I no longer had to use the water to numb my hand...arm.. side.. or whatever...
If not that... then in that time...I had been with my first love.. his idea of pain was hitting things and it encouraged me to continue to cut...everytime he would hurt I would hurt too.. and I dont know...
Im not really sure exactly why...I do it..
but my guess is that in my weaknesses (emotions being a weakness for me) I have to cut.. I have to control how I feel... I can't show people or anyone that I can be hurt... that' sounds so childish but that's me..
when I was younger... or even just a few months ago.. I used to sit and watch the blood drip from my hands.. and just the idea of knowing no one can hurt me, only I can hurt me.. thats all I thought about back then... when I found out my sister was molested..then I really went all out. I ended up in the hospital.. and got seven stitches for my wounds...nerve damage too...
The idea of talking about cutting is always very difficult for me.. it's one of those things..those walls I don't want to go there and i'll avoid it at all costs.. because when I am forced or choose to talk about it... that's when I realize the pain it brings on myself, the scars, and the pain and hurt it brings onto those I care about... not something I want to remind myself everytime I do it.. because it just makes it worse.. it hurts too much..
I remember in Ontario.. after i heard about what had happened to my sister.. I did not feel a reason to live anymore.. I felt that I had failed on my promise, I had failed on protecting my sisters..and i deserved nothing but pain... i cut myself as often and always as much as possible, as deep as possible... i felt so low in my life... so broken..and had no idea how and if I'd ever make it through that tragic time.. anyhow.. I had one friend...
She had only been my friend for a few months.. and I shared with her my cutting problem.. and one day she asked to see it... and she cried.. she hurt..and she cleaned my wounds.. because I never do... I don't know why... but either way...she sat there with towel in hand...cleaning the wounds on my arm..and I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything.. I just wanted to do it again because I was so upset that I had told her...because she always asked me why do I always wear long sleeve or why always so different..
My other friend in ontario..he was different...everytime I cut.. he would say he was going to cut himself for me cutting..cause he wanted me to know how much pain it brought on him when I cut myself... it didn't help me.. i just didn't tell him i did it any longer..i lied to him...
my most recent wounds were these last few weeks... almost losing my friends has been a battle that I felt I could not win.. and i felt that I did not deserve friends like that if I was that stupid.. so I cut myself.. and then when I found out the pain and suffering my cousin had to deal with.. I was really upset.. and I didnt want to show my family that I hurt that way.. I felt that I had to conquer those feelings so that I didn't have to show my family my tears, my one and only weakness are my feelings...that's why I love writing...
Today....
Well it didn't start out good at all.. i didn't have enough sleep.. and meeting with my counselor an talking about cutting really made me uncomfortable.. knowing..that Im sitting there aching because my side is still trying to heal from most recent events.. no more bandages just trying to keep it good..
after I left counselling... I wanted to go home...
however it did not turn out that way.. I was bombarrded by some idiot that I wish I had hit.. however for whatever reason he didn't deserve my throws I was already emotional.. But I was so embarrassed by him...he was a drunk native reaching for drinks in his beg, and talking to people.. and people were looking at me.. and I felt like just knocking him down.. telling him how much he is a disgrace to his people... how I was embarrassed just to be the same color as him, and so...
I didn't get on the bus.. I just went to go and try clear my mind of all these thoughts...
work was even worse. I always thought work would be my place of just quietness.. just trying to get my tasks done and just everything... but like everything..it all went wrong... I felt like crying.. but I wanted to cut instead.. everything seemed to go wrong at work and it made me so mad so hurt..so much...everything today just really piled up and I wanted to put everything done and just grab a blade and do it.. cause I knew I'd feel better if I had..
at the end of the night..I went to take out the garbage..and I accidently bent my body the wrong way and healing wounds were reopened and I could not move... I felt so much pain... it started bleeding again...
my night still did not end... my other supervisor came and mentioned to me I had forgotten something upstairs..and I was so furious because I really was in a lot of pain adn I just wanted to leave...I tried my best to stay as calm as possible but it was so difficult with all this things going on in my head...
by the time I did leave..the store that I go to after work was under renovations..i knew that I needed my store..so i travelled all the way to kingsway and Joyce.. after getting my slurpee and my smoke.. I sat there and just finally finally seriously finally was able to calm down.. just to stop thinking about EVERYTHING that went wrong, or the thoughts that I had.. and I was able to just sit and relax...
it didn't help that I am overtired.. that I really need to sleep right now...
at the end... theres another song..not many people have heard it..but if you've been drinking with me then you've heard it...because it's one of my many many favorite songs...
"Open Wounds"
In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you I
'm gone, I'm gone
And you can't stop me from falling apart '
Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
[Chorus]
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?
Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change I'm never good enough
And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
[Chorus]
Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??
You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]'
Cause my self-destruction is all your fault. [Chorus]
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
wash this from my mind
I dont even know where to begin...
I lost a friend today.. and gained them back before the night was over..however... it seems my friend has more on her mind then what I can even type..meaning i just trying to get used to everything being different..when it comes to wounds and hurts...im not easily movable when it comes to the kind of pain I have bestowed on others and that which was put onto me...
It must be sad to hear...
I don't hold these things against her.. however she seems to want things to be as great as they were before...it's something that will take me longer to get through just because I just have so much on my mind about this whole situation... so much to think about..and to question these motives..these choices...
I hate that people always think Im acting some way... when im just trying to learn to deal with everything. I mean lots of people tell me to give up on people...give up on my sister, give up on people...just give up...
I've heard that so much in my life...if not that I've heard it in my own head... give up work.. give up on my life..
regardless of hearing these things....thinking these things..Im still alive..still surviving.. believing that ONE DAY my older sister will conquer the things that have condemned her to a life of slavery and a life of pain..hurt and aches that seem unbearable...
as for my life..it's too valuable.. it's too great...too much to want to let go of... I mean when I was younger I didn't think there was any reason to live...however growing up now.. and just looking back at my life.. Im so glad I chose life, Im so glad that God did not expcept me to die at an early age...now watching my younger sisters and brothers grow up...teaching them, learning from them..and loving them...it's one of the greatest things in the world...its like someitmes I wish they could just stay young..
just see the world as beautiful as they see it..however we do not live in a perfect world.. we live in a world of pain, destruction...and everything that is not good...but like all things if you look close enough at things...you will see
a child being born
a flower blooming
people laughing
the blue sky
the life of everything...
in a great darkness of this painful world.. we have the little things that remind us of a greater future, a greater opportunity to survive.. I mean for me... when I get low in my life.. I find my place and my place is along the ocean side...and starring at the beautiful B.C. mountains.. this is my place of rest... if not that then next to my aunties memorial site..
Im still a little broken.. still bleeding in some ways...but trying my best to recover as best as my body and mind will allow me too... I wanted to cry today...
I wanted to do more then cry today..
I remember the years and years ago that I was able to stop cutting for a long period of time. and the life that I was able to bring to those that were cutting... or those who had eating disorders.. just people who could relate to me... to be a light... to share my stories..my pain.. and in the end share my victory.. now..though.. I can't even tell you anything of greatness of victories in my life.. the only great thing about me right now is that I have the courage and strength to make it out of bed...regardless of all the pain an emotional turmoil I have suffered..these last few days..
as for feelings.. the deep nitty gritty of me...
I think that Im still really lost.. I feel like I built myself in a place of sand.. ready to go down in it any moment..one more brush of that water and I'll have nothing good to show for anything.. There isn't turmoil going on to the point of death...but for me to be as dramatic as I am... to be going through this..not have a friend...a confident, or anything..it's pretty dreadful.. going to sleep and just wishing that someone would call..and just say Im glad that you are alive..
or those years ago..helping ALL those people... just to know where they are at... and see and hope they are doing better then they were, when I first met them.
I am thinking...I remember..when my friend and mentor told me how I had encouraged her and blessed her... how she had learned from me..and was just happy because of me. I never thought in a million years that I could encourage and be a blessing to anyone.. or more so to this mentor and friend..because I love her heart..and I admire her passion...
I hope that one day...I'll be like that you know? be someone that people would look up too...someone people will admire adn want to be around..
I really want to be someone that brings life into everything...that just puts a smile on everyone's face.. and just love everyone that comes into my life.. this is just a wish..
however looking at my life..at my past.. I am not that kind of person..and since moving back to BC I have been just the opposite.. I might make people smile, but I can also make them cry.. I can put a fear into others lives that sometimes is not even needed.. I dont know the kind of person I have become...but I defintely am not what I was... Im something completely different..
I can only hope to find my way...to find my solid ground.. to stand firm in what my life is and to hope that I could encourage others to just do better..be better..and see a hope.. some kind of hope any hope...because sometimes at the worst times in our lives..that little spec of hope really makes a huge difference...
believe me.. I know my words.. it was only that little hope that one day I would survive my childhood that got me through my years...that got me through everything I should have become. instead I turned from those things..and found my own path..and found my own ways of being somewhat happy..
ok... i guess I better go..
I lost a friend today.. and gained them back before the night was over..however... it seems my friend has more on her mind then what I can even type..meaning i just trying to get used to everything being different..when it comes to wounds and hurts...im not easily movable when it comes to the kind of pain I have bestowed on others and that which was put onto me...
It must be sad to hear...
I don't hold these things against her.. however she seems to want things to be as great as they were before...it's something that will take me longer to get through just because I just have so much on my mind about this whole situation... so much to think about..and to question these motives..these choices...
I hate that people always think Im acting some way... when im just trying to learn to deal with everything. I mean lots of people tell me to give up on people...give up on my sister, give up on people...just give up...
I've heard that so much in my life...if not that I've heard it in my own head... give up work.. give up on my life..
regardless of hearing these things....thinking these things..Im still alive..still surviving.. believing that ONE DAY my older sister will conquer the things that have condemned her to a life of slavery and a life of pain..hurt and aches that seem unbearable...
as for my life..it's too valuable.. it's too great...too much to want to let go of... I mean when I was younger I didn't think there was any reason to live...however growing up now.. and just looking back at my life.. Im so glad I chose life, Im so glad that God did not expcept me to die at an early age...now watching my younger sisters and brothers grow up...teaching them, learning from them..and loving them...it's one of the greatest things in the world...its like someitmes I wish they could just stay young..
just see the world as beautiful as they see it..however we do not live in a perfect world.. we live in a world of pain, destruction...and everything that is not good...but like all things if you look close enough at things...you will see
a child being born
a flower blooming
people laughing
the blue sky
the life of everything...
in a great darkness of this painful world.. we have the little things that remind us of a greater future, a greater opportunity to survive.. I mean for me... when I get low in my life.. I find my place and my place is along the ocean side...and starring at the beautiful B.C. mountains.. this is my place of rest... if not that then next to my aunties memorial site..
Im still a little broken.. still bleeding in some ways...but trying my best to recover as best as my body and mind will allow me too... I wanted to cry today...
I wanted to do more then cry today..
I remember the years and years ago that I was able to stop cutting for a long period of time. and the life that I was able to bring to those that were cutting... or those who had eating disorders.. just people who could relate to me... to be a light... to share my stories..my pain.. and in the end share my victory.. now..though.. I can't even tell you anything of greatness of victories in my life.. the only great thing about me right now is that I have the courage and strength to make it out of bed...regardless of all the pain an emotional turmoil I have suffered..these last few days..
as for feelings.. the deep nitty gritty of me...
I think that Im still really lost.. I feel like I built myself in a place of sand.. ready to go down in it any moment..one more brush of that water and I'll have nothing good to show for anything.. There isn't turmoil going on to the point of death...but for me to be as dramatic as I am... to be going through this..not have a friend...a confident, or anything..it's pretty dreadful.. going to sleep and just wishing that someone would call..and just say Im glad that you are alive..
or those years ago..helping ALL those people... just to know where they are at... and see and hope they are doing better then they were, when I first met them.
I am thinking...I remember..when my friend and mentor told me how I had encouraged her and blessed her... how she had learned from me..and was just happy because of me. I never thought in a million years that I could encourage and be a blessing to anyone.. or more so to this mentor and friend..because I love her heart..and I admire her passion...
I hope that one day...I'll be like that you know? be someone that people would look up too...someone people will admire adn want to be around..
I really want to be someone that brings life into everything...that just puts a smile on everyone's face.. and just love everyone that comes into my life.. this is just a wish..
however looking at my life..at my past.. I am not that kind of person..and since moving back to BC I have been just the opposite.. I might make people smile, but I can also make them cry.. I can put a fear into others lives that sometimes is not even needed.. I dont know the kind of person I have become...but I defintely am not what I was... Im something completely different..
I can only hope to find my way...to find my solid ground.. to stand firm in what my life is and to hope that I could encourage others to just do better..be better..and see a hope.. some kind of hope any hope...because sometimes at the worst times in our lives..that little spec of hope really makes a huge difference...
believe me.. I know my words.. it was only that little hope that one day I would survive my childhood that got me through my years...that got me through everything I should have become. instead I turned from those things..and found my own path..and found my own ways of being somewhat happy..
ok... i guess I better go..
Monday, May 12, 2008
it will be worth it in the end
I will be the answer
At the end of the lineI will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end'
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gentlyInto morning
For the night has been unkind
Where to begin..what to say...how to say it...
I have found myself in the place.. this place where there are so little things that I can say or would want to say...
I have often thought of this or actually just recently thought of this...
I had a friend.. a friend that knew me right away.. someone that I began to cherish and admire for her courage to say what she did.. for her to be the way she is..
someone I talked to everyday of my life these last few weeks.. She became the highlight of my life because my world had seemed so cold..so alone.. and so broken. dealing with these emoitions was overwhelming.. but talking to her... gave me the hope of surviving everyday and really trying to change myself to become something more then I am..or have been..
however like all great things..they must come to an end.. I cannot allow myself to fall into that trap again... meaning that I did not and do not want her to have the responsibility of taking care of me...I loved the idea of changing for myself.. to become more aware of my hunger pains, more aware of my emotions.. she helped me with that.. she helped me come back to life after my most recent break-up..
however with all things... I said and done some things that I wish I hadn't.. however at the same time... I dont regret it because I loved seeing her, and I loved being able to talk to her in person rather then on the phone and everything..it made me so happy to be able to be with her.. talking to her, looking at her...and just hearing her stories and sharing my own...
It's been a really difficult time letting that go you know?
I felt that I had found a friend..someone thought would have stood by me for a long time, someone I had come to admire and appreciate.. somoeone I could learn from and share myself with...share the greatest and worst moments of my life, but having her know that I have survived all these terrible things in my life.. as I will continue to fight for my life.. continue to be all that I can...
It was really heartbreaking to have lost that friend..lost that conversation..lost that moment of just loving her being in my life...
I can only wish for a friend like that in the future.. someone that I can rely on and be there for them. I know that Im an amazing friend to those who come into my life..and I wish and hope that never changes..
I've learned from the past..learned that we always have to let go..let go and continue on..
I know how difficult it is...as I've lost many friends and lost pieces of my heart in the past.. but I also know...at the end of the day..at the end of my life..it will all be worth it... it will be worth it because I have had the opportunity to love and be loved, encourage and be encouraged...
Im not angry...Im not going to die of this pain...but I will learn from it and continue to love this friend of mine because she was a wonderful friend..and losing her was really difficult but its not something that will break me.. or bring me down...
I loved her as a friend... she had so many amazing qualities...and she had a great personality and I loved sharing myself with her..loving hearing her talk and loved the description she gave about the flower...I wont forget that night..and I wont regret that night... but I also know that I just need to let this all go... and really find my focus..my future...
the lyrics I shared earlier are the lyrics of an amazing song that Im loving like crazy... just wanted to share that...
At the end of the lineI will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end'
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gentlyInto morning
For the night has been unkind
Where to begin..what to say...how to say it...
I have found myself in the place.. this place where there are so little things that I can say or would want to say...
I have often thought of this or actually just recently thought of this...
I had a friend.. a friend that knew me right away.. someone that I began to cherish and admire for her courage to say what she did.. for her to be the way she is..
someone I talked to everyday of my life these last few weeks.. She became the highlight of my life because my world had seemed so cold..so alone.. and so broken. dealing with these emoitions was overwhelming.. but talking to her... gave me the hope of surviving everyday and really trying to change myself to become something more then I am..or have been..
however like all great things..they must come to an end.. I cannot allow myself to fall into that trap again... meaning that I did not and do not want her to have the responsibility of taking care of me...I loved the idea of changing for myself.. to become more aware of my hunger pains, more aware of my emotions.. she helped me with that.. she helped me come back to life after my most recent break-up..
however with all things... I said and done some things that I wish I hadn't.. however at the same time... I dont regret it because I loved seeing her, and I loved being able to talk to her in person rather then on the phone and everything..it made me so happy to be able to be with her.. talking to her, looking at her...and just hearing her stories and sharing my own...
It's been a really difficult time letting that go you know?
I felt that I had found a friend..someone thought would have stood by me for a long time, someone I had come to admire and appreciate.. somoeone I could learn from and share myself with...share the greatest and worst moments of my life, but having her know that I have survived all these terrible things in my life.. as I will continue to fight for my life.. continue to be all that I can...
It was really heartbreaking to have lost that friend..lost that conversation..lost that moment of just loving her being in my life...
I can only wish for a friend like that in the future.. someone that I can rely on and be there for them. I know that Im an amazing friend to those who come into my life..and I wish and hope that never changes..
I've learned from the past..learned that we always have to let go..let go and continue on..
I know how difficult it is...as I've lost many friends and lost pieces of my heart in the past.. but I also know...at the end of the day..at the end of my life..it will all be worth it... it will be worth it because I have had the opportunity to love and be loved, encourage and be encouraged...
Im not angry...Im not going to die of this pain...but I will learn from it and continue to love this friend of mine because she was a wonderful friend..and losing her was really difficult but its not something that will break me.. or bring me down...
I loved her as a friend... she had so many amazing qualities...and she had a great personality and I loved sharing myself with her..loving hearing her talk and loved the description she gave about the flower...I wont forget that night..and I wont regret that night... but I also know that I just need to let this all go... and really find my focus..my future...
the lyrics I shared earlier are the lyrics of an amazing song that Im loving like crazy... just wanted to share that...
my answer
I've had a lot of stuff going on today... more bad then good but that's what happens in my life its no suprise and no real thing...
I met someone who went to school with my father when he was in elementary school and it was amazing just to hear her speak of the love she had for my family, she grew up with everyone in my father's side of the family and it made me so happy. i told her to go visit my father sometime his grave is in Fort. St.James....
Other then that... what can I say?
I knew this point would come and this was why I held back from everthing and why I held back from living a life worth living.. i shared myself with someone.. someone more incredible then I could ever imagine and it wasnt about anything but sharing my life with them... sharing my stories, sharing my heart and sharing my hopes and dreams.. however deep I may have gotten myself I had found myself liking this person in more ways then one...
I spent Friday with this person...and just hearing them speak and just hearing their heart.. hearing their pain... I had never felt so amazing.. and so glad to be there...
all happiness has to come to an end.. Im not the person someone wants in their life. Im not soft and cuddly. believe me I know this...
just today on mother's day i heard that I will have to protect my family more then ever before because of the babies father being all messed up..so I stressin often and always...staying up late to protect my family, i started sleeping with a knife by my side because I want to be prepared for anything that might come our way, out of the consequences of a messed up son of a gun...
however feelings that lay there....
I allowed myself..to be myself.. I shared myself with someone in a way that I had never done before...I had said and done things that I wish i hadn't just because I knew this would come down this way... however just being able to be there..being able to sit there having this person sitting next to me and seeing this person smile, seeing more then what others might see it really was all worth it...
however the pain that I've suffered for allowing myself to be this open to someone has been a bit overwhelming... I did cut myself and I did hit something... just because it's not very often we are able to find friends that we are able to encourage and be encouraged by...
I mean there were more intentions for me there however I could not see myself following through with those intentions because I have had a hard time being there for someone else even then being there for my family.. I mean my sisters joined soccer and I have not made it to their game, they go swimming and I have not been there... we have had family dinners and ive been away on my own...
I meant to spend the day in my room... trying to drift away from all that I feel..to sit with my baby kitten and just write..write a new story..write these feelings and describe them in more then usual manner...however I could not.. I could not focus...I could not even put a pen to paper because I was overwhelmed and just being so happy about the greatness I have done.. however great I did things..Im really good and doing the worst things ever known to the history of human beings...
Again I say I cut myself..not because of the words said, not just because of the hurt that I felt.. but because today...of all days....today I was reminded of my life...meeting that woman that met my father many years ago really just changed me...and I just wanted to honor her, I just wanted to be there..like a child listenning to the greatest story ever told...even in that state.. i also wanted to run..to hide..because today is not the day to be hearing about my father... i missed him so much today...he was everything to me.. and to have no one come out and just recognize the painful feeling it is to honor those in our lives that we cherish...it was hard..
so i had a few to drink... not to get wasted but to enjoy life...to enjoy the company of those that did come out..but my mind often wondered through the thoughts of my father..the thoughts of my dying uncle..and those that are in my family dying in the hospital.. not fun not something I enjoy dealing with ...
on top of that.. i had some pretty bad news...not really bad..it was just reality..
reality of the situation I was hoping to conquer... not for winning but for conquering the demon of a dreadful thing that I wish there was a really cruel punishment for.. we live in the world. we live in a society that helps us say that love is this... and love is that... and love is these things and anything else is not true... not fun..not real.. not something anyone should ever have to go through...
No one has ever had the nerve to lay a hand on me because Im soft...and cute and fun..but if anyone does anything Im like that dog that got rabbies..I will come after you and continue to do so until my very last breath.. I hold grudges against people who raise their hands against anyone..
I will always hold that grudge against my mother's ex-boyfriend and my mother knows how much I hate him..and lucky he is to be alive for me...I swore to him I'd hurt him or more if he ever hurt my mother or my family... Im very protective of those I love when it comes to those sorts of things... I mean..man alive!
anyhow...
dealing emotionally a rotten way... a rotten choice..rotten path..and wishing things did not turn out like this...but again...
my choice, my responsibility, win or lose only I HOLD THE KEY!
I was telling a friend of mine the other day..after some things that had recently happened.. as I have had thoughts of death, dreams of death..and deaths in the family the last few days.. I was saying I'd be alright if I had died..
I feel that I have encouraged others, helped others and just loved everyone that's ever come into my life..and if I were to die then I'd be alright with that... because I feel I've done what I can...
anyhow...I have to be up early..
my babies have to get up for school and my mom is going out of town so it's time for me to put on my superman outfit and wake up early early to be all they need me to be...
so good night....
I met someone who went to school with my father when he was in elementary school and it was amazing just to hear her speak of the love she had for my family, she grew up with everyone in my father's side of the family and it made me so happy. i told her to go visit my father sometime his grave is in Fort. St.James....
Other then that... what can I say?
I knew this point would come and this was why I held back from everthing and why I held back from living a life worth living.. i shared myself with someone.. someone more incredible then I could ever imagine and it wasnt about anything but sharing my life with them... sharing my stories, sharing my heart and sharing my hopes and dreams.. however deep I may have gotten myself I had found myself liking this person in more ways then one...
I spent Friday with this person...and just hearing them speak and just hearing their heart.. hearing their pain... I had never felt so amazing.. and so glad to be there...
all happiness has to come to an end.. Im not the person someone wants in their life. Im not soft and cuddly. believe me I know this...
just today on mother's day i heard that I will have to protect my family more then ever before because of the babies father being all messed up..so I stressin often and always...staying up late to protect my family, i started sleeping with a knife by my side because I want to be prepared for anything that might come our way, out of the consequences of a messed up son of a gun...
however feelings that lay there....
I allowed myself..to be myself.. I shared myself with someone in a way that I had never done before...I had said and done things that I wish i hadn't just because I knew this would come down this way... however just being able to be there..being able to sit there having this person sitting next to me and seeing this person smile, seeing more then what others might see it really was all worth it...
however the pain that I've suffered for allowing myself to be this open to someone has been a bit overwhelming... I did cut myself and I did hit something... just because it's not very often we are able to find friends that we are able to encourage and be encouraged by...
I mean there were more intentions for me there however I could not see myself following through with those intentions because I have had a hard time being there for someone else even then being there for my family.. I mean my sisters joined soccer and I have not made it to their game, they go swimming and I have not been there... we have had family dinners and ive been away on my own...
I meant to spend the day in my room... trying to drift away from all that I feel..to sit with my baby kitten and just write..write a new story..write these feelings and describe them in more then usual manner...however I could not.. I could not focus...I could not even put a pen to paper because I was overwhelmed and just being so happy about the greatness I have done.. however great I did things..Im really good and doing the worst things ever known to the history of human beings...
Again I say I cut myself..not because of the words said, not just because of the hurt that I felt.. but because today...of all days....today I was reminded of my life...meeting that woman that met my father many years ago really just changed me...and I just wanted to honor her, I just wanted to be there..like a child listenning to the greatest story ever told...even in that state.. i also wanted to run..to hide..because today is not the day to be hearing about my father... i missed him so much today...he was everything to me.. and to have no one come out and just recognize the painful feeling it is to honor those in our lives that we cherish...it was hard..
so i had a few to drink... not to get wasted but to enjoy life...to enjoy the company of those that did come out..but my mind often wondered through the thoughts of my father..the thoughts of my dying uncle..and those that are in my family dying in the hospital.. not fun not something I enjoy dealing with ...
on top of that.. i had some pretty bad news...not really bad..it was just reality..
reality of the situation I was hoping to conquer... not for winning but for conquering the demon of a dreadful thing that I wish there was a really cruel punishment for.. we live in the world. we live in a society that helps us say that love is this... and love is that... and love is these things and anything else is not true... not fun..not real.. not something anyone should ever have to go through...
No one has ever had the nerve to lay a hand on me because Im soft...and cute and fun..but if anyone does anything Im like that dog that got rabbies..I will come after you and continue to do so until my very last breath.. I hold grudges against people who raise their hands against anyone..
I will always hold that grudge against my mother's ex-boyfriend and my mother knows how much I hate him..and lucky he is to be alive for me...I swore to him I'd hurt him or more if he ever hurt my mother or my family... Im very protective of those I love when it comes to those sorts of things... I mean..man alive!
anyhow...
dealing emotionally a rotten way... a rotten choice..rotten path..and wishing things did not turn out like this...but again...
my choice, my responsibility, win or lose only I HOLD THE KEY!
I was telling a friend of mine the other day..after some things that had recently happened.. as I have had thoughts of death, dreams of death..and deaths in the family the last few days.. I was saying I'd be alright if I had died..
I feel that I have encouraged others, helped others and just loved everyone that's ever come into my life..and if I were to die then I'd be alright with that... because I feel I've done what I can...
anyhow...I have to be up early..
my babies have to get up for school and my mom is going out of town so it's time for me to put on my superman outfit and wake up early early to be all they need me to be...
so good night....
Sunday, May 11, 2008
whats going on
i spent the last few days in this world of pretend land..just thinking of the future, thinking of the past weeks and it's just like..where have I been? what have I been doing? Im learning more and more that Im getting farther away from everything that I should...
Im still very much confused at all this stuff going on and these people that are in my life and these aches that cause so much main, open wounds... scars.. and just thoughts of things that are beyond my ability to do anything about them.
so from the beginning I went drinking friday and found myself in a situation that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in. I tried to be responsible and reasonable and putting myself in someone else' shoes but after a couple drinks there is no way you can...be responsibile or reasonable.. or anything for that matter.. I mean it just was not a good situation for me... Im needing to still hide and be gone..just turn off my phone and just hide..just be hidden.. just get away from the internet and get away from everything...
maybe Sunday will be the day i turn off my phone and turn myself away from my internet and my thoughts might be more clear. I find that when I am able to just sit in my room and write on paper it often helps me learn things I could not see, more so saying I gain perspective when I allow myself to just step back and look at all that's going on.
I hear news that hurts and wounds...and then I hurt and wound because I have no idea what else I can and should be doing.
There's this story continually popping up in my mind.. it's by Tracey Stewart and amazing woman of God.. I had a DVD of her great preaching...
this one part has been coming to my mind often...
she was talking about Jesus being on the cross... and how if she were in that place at that time she would be telling Jesus "we aren't worth it, get down from off tha cross" and she was very descriptive about what she was saying..meaning she could put in our minds Jesus on that cross nailed..and how he would pull himself up to breath and the agnozing pain,the smell of vomit and all that nasty stuff.. and just his heart...Jesus' heart and love for the people was so strong how he endured that much suffering...
I have no idea why that keeps coming to my mind.. but every so often i find myself thinking about God..thinking about all the truth I heard from amazing preachers, and teachers.. and just teh encouragement and love they had for others.. an yet... I dont know..who knows really.. it's too difficult to think of myself talking about God.....
I've met someone who does not believe in God.. and that their choice..but I explained to them that even though Im not folliowing God at all.. I also know that without his love, his people I would have never survived...
who knows really...
I have no idea what more to say...
Im just so confused.. so torn..and so needing to hide..and maybe that's what I will do today.. just seperate myself from the world for a little while, and allow myself to write a story, allow myself to share these wounds and hurts in paper, in my stories...
see how it goes..
night
Im still very much confused at all this stuff going on and these people that are in my life and these aches that cause so much main, open wounds... scars.. and just thoughts of things that are beyond my ability to do anything about them.
so from the beginning I went drinking friday and found myself in a situation that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in. I tried to be responsible and reasonable and putting myself in someone else' shoes but after a couple drinks there is no way you can...be responsibile or reasonable.. or anything for that matter.. I mean it just was not a good situation for me... Im needing to still hide and be gone..just turn off my phone and just hide..just be hidden.. just get away from the internet and get away from everything...
maybe Sunday will be the day i turn off my phone and turn myself away from my internet and my thoughts might be more clear. I find that when I am able to just sit in my room and write on paper it often helps me learn things I could not see, more so saying I gain perspective when I allow myself to just step back and look at all that's going on.
I hear news that hurts and wounds...and then I hurt and wound because I have no idea what else I can and should be doing.
There's this story continually popping up in my mind.. it's by Tracey Stewart and amazing woman of God.. I had a DVD of her great preaching...
this one part has been coming to my mind often...
she was talking about Jesus being on the cross... and how if she were in that place at that time she would be telling Jesus "we aren't worth it, get down from off tha cross" and she was very descriptive about what she was saying..meaning she could put in our minds Jesus on that cross nailed..and how he would pull himself up to breath and the agnozing pain,the smell of vomit and all that nasty stuff.. and just his heart...Jesus' heart and love for the people was so strong how he endured that much suffering...
I have no idea why that keeps coming to my mind.. but every so often i find myself thinking about God..thinking about all the truth I heard from amazing preachers, and teachers.. and just teh encouragement and love they had for others.. an yet... I dont know..who knows really.. it's too difficult to think of myself talking about God.....
I've met someone who does not believe in God.. and that their choice..but I explained to them that even though Im not folliowing God at all.. I also know that without his love, his people I would have never survived...
who knows really...
I have no idea what more to say...
Im just so confused.. so torn..and so needing to hide..and maybe that's what I will do today.. just seperate myself from the world for a little while, and allow myself to write a story, allow myself to share these wounds and hurts in paper, in my stories...
see how it goes..
night
Friday, May 9, 2008
too much stuff
there's been too much stuff on my mind...and not enough time in a day to talk about it...
I guess today... my cousins are dealing with a death in the family.. I cried and I cut myself out of stupidity really.. I just really can't handle death all that well.. First thing I wanted to do was drink and just whatever however I know that I can't do it... I really just want to get my life straightened out and really try deal with things the right way...however its not going so well..
I feel like Im losing my mind with all these thoughts, dreams.. and just can't really get a grip on things.. I have a headache right now I guess Im tired which is a first for me in a long while...but it's good..
I am wishing I could be with my cousin and just be a shoulder to cry on as he has been for me in the past.. I wish that I could just chill with him, hear his stories and just be by his side... I hate that he is not here..not around for me to be there for him...he's leaving tomorrow to go to Mission and I can't go even if I wanted too.. cause I have to work.. I mean I could skip one day but it would be too difficult for me to be gone...to be away..
things are just getting a little too overwhelming and I also have to figure things out.. I mean really really just sit and think about things.. I need to write and I need to just I dont know.. find myself...
a friend of mine talked to me today and her and I haven't spoken or wrote in a long time.. i wrote her today because I was really upset and when she talked to me.. it was like a little piece of me was able to shine through these dark times...it's that piece that still holds onto God, it's that piece that lingers on me wheneevr Im alone or at my worst.
i was looking through old entries from my other blog and I had found some things that were related to the chrisitianity part of me.. the part of me that has been dead for so long..gone for so long.. the passion I had for God, the indepth love he has for me.. it's a lot of greatness.. however.. he does not fit in my life for now.. I still can't get over what's happened in my life.. these last few years.. and I can't say I apologize for the choices I've made.. I have and am facing the consequences of my choices.. I miss being alive believe me I do...
everytime Im out Im always remembering what my life was like...what it was like to have fun.. like with my real friends the people who supported me and helped me grow up, they helped me become the woman I am today...they put that passion in my life...that passion and love for God. I was remember all those crazy wacky fun times I had..without drinking.. and it's like what am I really doing with my life? what's really going on....
women have become my weakness they have always been my greatest weakness and it's hard to let go of that part of me..it's hard to think of allowing myself to be with a man...marry a man.. with all the history I have..and if not that..then the idea of children...and maybe Im thinking and have been thinking WAY TOOO FAR in the future.. but at the same time i haven't met a lot of good men in my life..and those I did meet have become friends..if not friends then one night stands with some mishaps along the way...
I think of my friends who are pregnant... and it scares me..it really does.. I have such a fear of children and being pregnant... I mean it's too scary..it's too difficult to think of that again.. I mean the past was easy to go through I had it easy because I had my Christian friends, and those who helped me get what needed to be done done.. no questions asked..
I dont know what's going on with me... I dont know what's going on with my future... or my choices..but I feel so sad...not just because of the pain we have suffered..but that I have never felt so helpless...my friend she told me that I was the light, that I had the love of God in me.. and she doesn't know I dont follow that stuff anymore..she has always been my one friend that has blessed my life...she is my mentor..I admire her strength and courage, her everything..she's an amazing woman of God... and yet.. here I am.. I remember all those times we had.. spending time with her..hearing her heart..and just loving the love she has for God...for her children.. and for her faith.. and yet here I am..
I am confused about where I stand..or should stand..what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing... following my heart..well it's tainted with the lies or desires I have for something more then a man..but at the same time.. I need to get away...
I honestly need to runaway..just hide in a place..no phone, no e-mail no nothing just hiding.. enjoying life..writing new stories..new everything.. but then I would feel lost without those things because those are my things...that's how I communicate with everyone... it's like Im safe because I only communicate through those sources, rather then calling up a friend and saying hey lets go for coffee... I just e-mail people..tell them all the gory details of my life...but not to the nitty gritty because I know they couldn't handle that..
not that they can't handle that but that it would be I dont know...
im just saying a bunch of nonsense now.. I guess as sad and hurt as i am.. Im just tired now.. it's been a long day and a lot of heartache has come my way...and I just feel far...far from everything and hoping to just step out of this you know? like pretend or something..because to really really deal with it...I don't think I could stand it...
good night
I guess today... my cousins are dealing with a death in the family.. I cried and I cut myself out of stupidity really.. I just really can't handle death all that well.. First thing I wanted to do was drink and just whatever however I know that I can't do it... I really just want to get my life straightened out and really try deal with things the right way...however its not going so well..
I feel like Im losing my mind with all these thoughts, dreams.. and just can't really get a grip on things.. I have a headache right now I guess Im tired which is a first for me in a long while...but it's good..
I am wishing I could be with my cousin and just be a shoulder to cry on as he has been for me in the past.. I wish that I could just chill with him, hear his stories and just be by his side... I hate that he is not here..not around for me to be there for him...he's leaving tomorrow to go to Mission and I can't go even if I wanted too.. cause I have to work.. I mean I could skip one day but it would be too difficult for me to be gone...to be away..
things are just getting a little too overwhelming and I also have to figure things out.. I mean really really just sit and think about things.. I need to write and I need to just I dont know.. find myself...
a friend of mine talked to me today and her and I haven't spoken or wrote in a long time.. i wrote her today because I was really upset and when she talked to me.. it was like a little piece of me was able to shine through these dark times...it's that piece that still holds onto God, it's that piece that lingers on me wheneevr Im alone or at my worst.
i was looking through old entries from my other blog and I had found some things that were related to the chrisitianity part of me.. the part of me that has been dead for so long..gone for so long.. the passion I had for God, the indepth love he has for me.. it's a lot of greatness.. however.. he does not fit in my life for now.. I still can't get over what's happened in my life.. these last few years.. and I can't say I apologize for the choices I've made.. I have and am facing the consequences of my choices.. I miss being alive believe me I do...
everytime Im out Im always remembering what my life was like...what it was like to have fun.. like with my real friends the people who supported me and helped me grow up, they helped me become the woman I am today...they put that passion in my life...that passion and love for God. I was remember all those crazy wacky fun times I had..without drinking.. and it's like what am I really doing with my life? what's really going on....
women have become my weakness they have always been my greatest weakness and it's hard to let go of that part of me..it's hard to think of allowing myself to be with a man...marry a man.. with all the history I have..and if not that..then the idea of children...and maybe Im thinking and have been thinking WAY TOOO FAR in the future.. but at the same time i haven't met a lot of good men in my life..and those I did meet have become friends..if not friends then one night stands with some mishaps along the way...
I think of my friends who are pregnant... and it scares me..it really does.. I have such a fear of children and being pregnant... I mean it's too scary..it's too difficult to think of that again.. I mean the past was easy to go through I had it easy because I had my Christian friends, and those who helped me get what needed to be done done.. no questions asked..
I dont know what's going on with me... I dont know what's going on with my future... or my choices..but I feel so sad...not just because of the pain we have suffered..but that I have never felt so helpless...my friend she told me that I was the light, that I had the love of God in me.. and she doesn't know I dont follow that stuff anymore..she has always been my one friend that has blessed my life...she is my mentor..I admire her strength and courage, her everything..she's an amazing woman of God... and yet.. here I am.. I remember all those times we had.. spending time with her..hearing her heart..and just loving the love she has for God...for her children.. and for her faith.. and yet here I am..
I am confused about where I stand..or should stand..what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing... following my heart..well it's tainted with the lies or desires I have for something more then a man..but at the same time.. I need to get away...
I honestly need to runaway..just hide in a place..no phone, no e-mail no nothing just hiding.. enjoying life..writing new stories..new everything.. but then I would feel lost without those things because those are my things...that's how I communicate with everyone... it's like Im safe because I only communicate through those sources, rather then calling up a friend and saying hey lets go for coffee... I just e-mail people..tell them all the gory details of my life...but not to the nitty gritty because I know they couldn't handle that..
not that they can't handle that but that it would be I dont know...
im just saying a bunch of nonsense now.. I guess as sad and hurt as i am.. Im just tired now.. it's been a long day and a lot of heartache has come my way...and I just feel far...far from everything and hoping to just step out of this you know? like pretend or something..because to really really deal with it...I don't think I could stand it...
good night
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
my heart aches
looking at this photo...wishing I could be with that child one more time.. mother's day is coming up and I can't imagine this baby boy not being with his mother..even now knowing he's somewhere else..with someone else..it hurts me so much...
I haven't seen him in such a long time because I been working so much...but when I did.. he used to crawl up to me and just demand that i hold him.he recognizes me..and he knows how much I love and cherish him.. i have only seen this boy on and off since december...and just man alive! he's the most precious kid I've ever met..and he means so much to me...knowing he's not somewhere I can see him..it really hurts my heart..and I just really sad about that...
if not that..thinking about what my cousin is going through...her son has been taken away.. and as much as she has been irresponsible with him..she also loves him and tries to be there with him..and I dont know..
it's too hard to talk...
off topic.. im completely and utterly confused...because I've got so many thoughts..feelngs.. ideas and there all where they should not..my focus has been tainted and Im totally losing my mind.. and I dont know... i can't say anythin more.. I just have these thoughts...
I have been thinking of cutting...lately..just because I have been so blah..so confused..so frustrated.. this hurt going on in my life..just way too overwhelming..and I got nothing I got this computer and this blog...and that's it... I dont know..
I was telling someone that I wanted to runaway..just hide somewhere and be gone for a bit.. just hide from the world..hide from myself..my thoughts my pain..and just hide from drinking.. and thoughts..major thoughts of my life..and my future..
what to do...what to feel...how to express those things?
this is the only place.. I have these horrible feelings..for someone..someone I should not feel anything for.. but Im hoping it's just a fling or whatever..cause it's just new..exciting..different and it's distracting..its getting me away from my recent break-up..so its like this is just like.. putting a band-aid on a wound that I dont know will heal..cause I still talk to my ex and it's been good but it's starting to get really confusing... and the love that was there..is still lingering but not as much just because I have something new in my life..and it's better...greater..sweeter.. but its kinda not real cause I am not really me...like I am...but not..cause I still recovering from these wounds in my life
well..
work is going good..working everyday monday to friday...its good... trying to get into the routine and everything..if not that trying to find the time of day just to go out and chill with some friends.. not drink or anything just hang out...enjoy some times together... but I really always too exhausted..and if not that I also just stay awake way way too late.. i never can sleep until like 4am.. and yeah...being isolated has really cost me alot..and I missing the world like crazy!
but I better go...decided to take a pill tonight..it will help me better..
night
Monday, May 5, 2008
work and family
I had a pretty good weekend I spent my time with my family.... my cousin on Friday wierd and awkward..
Saturday was more fun because I was with my cousin Trevor and he's like a brother to me and I love chillin with him because we have always been close since we were little.. its funny how I seen that you know? the only way I noticed that was when his sisters pointed it out to me that I have always been in Trevor's life, always been one of his closest family members.. I feel kinda bad but at the same time my relationship with my cousin is more different then my relationship with his sister...just because I not close to them...
Anyhow.. Saturday and Sunday I hung out with trevor.. we took the kids my brothers and sisters swimming at watermania...I kind of wish that I could have went swimming with them but my work had asked me to work one of the days Saturday or Sunday.. I chose Sunday thinking it would be good idea..however i missed swimming, and spending time with my brothers and sisters..howevr I plan on taking them out next weekend...
It's mother's day next Saturday...not sure what I should or will do for that just because it's kinda wierd...it's been five years since I been home to see my mom...and if not that I just dont know what I want to buy her, or give her... show her how much I appreciate her...she is going to a pow-wow cause it's like an annual mother's day thing... but I don't think I'll be going just because it's not my thing anymore.. I will find my own time and way to celebrate my mom...
It's a friend of mine's birthday today..fairly exciting.. I tried calling but just left a message..no real time today to talk to anyone...been busy doing everything and trying to rest... yesterday work was really difficult and Im looking forward to more extreme tonight because I have a lot of catching up to do...
But believe me I enjoy this kinda of work because I deal with seldom amount of people, and it's cleaning which I enjoy doing...I often try and be as thorough as possible at everything that I do... other then that what can I say these days??
I guess im fairly happy.. been fairly busy I miss my family but I also know that I got some bills to pay major bills and I look forward to finally getting around to that... I don't party as much because i work nights and I stopped talking to everyone that I used to hang out with.. I hope to try and just get things put together in my life and stop with all that stuff....I hope it all works out for me..
I got nothing more to say really.. just life...
work....family....
I still have to figure out school though... I mean I haven't had much energy or time to check things out but Im pretty sure I'd like to go to NEC just because it's more aboriginal based and yeah I think it would be more beneficial to me then going to anything else. Although I really wanted to go to Douglas College but I dont know...see what happens really.. but Im really happy and looking forward to things just geting better or whatever...
Anyhow.. I have to go...
ttyl
Saturday was more fun because I was with my cousin Trevor and he's like a brother to me and I love chillin with him because we have always been close since we were little.. its funny how I seen that you know? the only way I noticed that was when his sisters pointed it out to me that I have always been in Trevor's life, always been one of his closest family members.. I feel kinda bad but at the same time my relationship with my cousin is more different then my relationship with his sister...just because I not close to them...
Anyhow.. Saturday and Sunday I hung out with trevor.. we took the kids my brothers and sisters swimming at watermania...I kind of wish that I could have went swimming with them but my work had asked me to work one of the days Saturday or Sunday.. I chose Sunday thinking it would be good idea..however i missed swimming, and spending time with my brothers and sisters..howevr I plan on taking them out next weekend...
It's mother's day next Saturday...not sure what I should or will do for that just because it's kinda wierd...it's been five years since I been home to see my mom...and if not that I just dont know what I want to buy her, or give her... show her how much I appreciate her...she is going to a pow-wow cause it's like an annual mother's day thing... but I don't think I'll be going just because it's not my thing anymore.. I will find my own time and way to celebrate my mom...
It's a friend of mine's birthday today..fairly exciting.. I tried calling but just left a message..no real time today to talk to anyone...been busy doing everything and trying to rest... yesterday work was really difficult and Im looking forward to more extreme tonight because I have a lot of catching up to do...
But believe me I enjoy this kinda of work because I deal with seldom amount of people, and it's cleaning which I enjoy doing...I often try and be as thorough as possible at everything that I do... other then that what can I say these days??
I guess im fairly happy.. been fairly busy I miss my family but I also know that I got some bills to pay major bills and I look forward to finally getting around to that... I don't party as much because i work nights and I stopped talking to everyone that I used to hang out with.. I hope to try and just get things put together in my life and stop with all that stuff....I hope it all works out for me..
I got nothing more to say really.. just life...
work....family....
I still have to figure out school though... I mean I haven't had much energy or time to check things out but Im pretty sure I'd like to go to NEC just because it's more aboriginal based and yeah I think it would be more beneficial to me then going to anything else. Although I really wanted to go to Douglas College but I dont know...see what happens really.. but Im really happy and looking forward to things just geting better or whatever...
Anyhow.. I have to go...
ttyl
Friday, May 2, 2008
ready and waiting
wierdest thoughts in my head today... I guess it doesn't help that my uncle is telling me what he's writing in his will...
I have had this nerve wrecking feeling that something is about to happen..one of those times where I want to tell everyone close to me how much I love and cherish them.. I have to call my grandma..
brb
alright well I just talked to everyone that's far away... I love talking to my grandma she's so funny and so sweet and i love her so much..
I guess I've been doing pretty good the last few days.. been pretty tired lately and when I get home I can hardly find the time to sleep or Im restless because I feel like I've been isolated all this time that I hadn't talked to anyone but Im enjoying my work..I mean it's nice and quiet, even quick at times.. I just wish that I could be home earlier.. I really am sad that I never see my family unless it's a weekend..during the days my brothers and sisters all go to school and my brother goes to work.. and I laz around the house by myself..
I don't know why I felt the way I did about my family members... but I know that it scares me everytime that kinda stuff happens that's probably me overreacting which many people know Im really good at doing...
I am hoping to go visit my uncle Henry next Saturday although realizing it's mothers day.. I still want to see him because I love him and I want to spend some time with him..I mean I don't want to stay there but I would if that's what it takes to visit him...I mean I just want him to know how much I care for him..how much I miss him..
I was thinking about today...not alot of families are like mine... I'm close to everyone in my family. when Im not here we are apart..Im the one that really cares for my family members I go out of my way to be there for them...call them...write them..tell them I love them.. I really cherish all of them..
but realizing it now there isn't alot of family members like ours.. and I like that my brothers and sisters see this kinda structure because hopefully it will be carried down to others you know? I mean I love my uncles and my aunties..
now there's one thing that pops to mind.. as some may know... I had dealt with all my hurt and anger I had towards my mother... all those times she neglected me, and wasn't there for me.. I forgave her for those things... however.. I lost some respect for her when she held back from telling me about what happened to my sister... i never know when I can trust her fully she is not protecting me...she is avoiding the hell that would break loose if anyone tried anything with any of my brothers and sisters.. I mean when I heard that our neighbors swore at every single one of my brothers and sisters they were lucky I didn't do anything...all's I did was avoid letting my brothers and sisters at their place, and I still didn't tell the kids real father what's going on over there..
anyhow when it comes to my relationship with my mom...Im a little held back.. Im worried about what it would look like if I decided to trust her again and have her hold something back from me like that again.. Im always prepared to hurt people.. I mean I don't actually do it but people are in fear of me.. especially people who have hurt my family in the past...such as my younger sisters father if he ever tried to lay a hand on my brothers or mother now... that would be the end of him...it would be in the future that every single one of us beat him up..cause my older sister beat him up long ago...and Im always waiting because I know how stupid he is.. he used to beat my mom, and emotionally torment my brother and I... I hold those things against him because i know he's a woman beater and people like that I have no respect for them.. not just because Im a woman but because I don't handle anyone beating on other people for absolutly no reason.
back to my mom.. I know that I love her.. I love her so much and I never want to lose her.. however I also have learned that she is not someone I can completely trust...after all these times of trusting her and being let down by her..or having her say what she says about whatever.. I never know what to believe.. but like anyone if anyone laid a hand on her in any way that was wrong I'd be the first one there..but then when I think of that...it's kinda the same thing? i don't torment her or hurt her... but I also hardly talk to her.. i have no real relationship with her like I did at one time...that time lasted little to not at all.. and yet I dont know.. I just don't know what to do about her.. I can't let go of the past because I know she will do it again..i cant trust that she doesn't know what is right for the kids or for me.. I know what's right for us..I dont know... it's so confusing.. and I wish things were better then this but this is the way that it is...
either way I've said alot.. i don't think I have anything more to say...
ttyl
I have had this nerve wrecking feeling that something is about to happen..one of those times where I want to tell everyone close to me how much I love and cherish them.. I have to call my grandma..
brb
alright well I just talked to everyone that's far away... I love talking to my grandma she's so funny and so sweet and i love her so much..
I guess I've been doing pretty good the last few days.. been pretty tired lately and when I get home I can hardly find the time to sleep or Im restless because I feel like I've been isolated all this time that I hadn't talked to anyone but Im enjoying my work..I mean it's nice and quiet, even quick at times.. I just wish that I could be home earlier.. I really am sad that I never see my family unless it's a weekend..during the days my brothers and sisters all go to school and my brother goes to work.. and I laz around the house by myself..
I don't know why I felt the way I did about my family members... but I know that it scares me everytime that kinda stuff happens that's probably me overreacting which many people know Im really good at doing...
I am hoping to go visit my uncle Henry next Saturday although realizing it's mothers day.. I still want to see him because I love him and I want to spend some time with him..I mean I don't want to stay there but I would if that's what it takes to visit him...I mean I just want him to know how much I care for him..how much I miss him..
I was thinking about today...not alot of families are like mine... I'm close to everyone in my family. when Im not here we are apart..Im the one that really cares for my family members I go out of my way to be there for them...call them...write them..tell them I love them.. I really cherish all of them..
but realizing it now there isn't alot of family members like ours.. and I like that my brothers and sisters see this kinda structure because hopefully it will be carried down to others you know? I mean I love my uncles and my aunties..
now there's one thing that pops to mind.. as some may know... I had dealt with all my hurt and anger I had towards my mother... all those times she neglected me, and wasn't there for me.. I forgave her for those things... however.. I lost some respect for her when she held back from telling me about what happened to my sister... i never know when I can trust her fully she is not protecting me...she is avoiding the hell that would break loose if anyone tried anything with any of my brothers and sisters.. I mean when I heard that our neighbors swore at every single one of my brothers and sisters they were lucky I didn't do anything...all's I did was avoid letting my brothers and sisters at their place, and I still didn't tell the kids real father what's going on over there..
anyhow when it comes to my relationship with my mom...Im a little held back.. Im worried about what it would look like if I decided to trust her again and have her hold something back from me like that again.. Im always prepared to hurt people.. I mean I don't actually do it but people are in fear of me.. especially people who have hurt my family in the past...such as my younger sisters father if he ever tried to lay a hand on my brothers or mother now... that would be the end of him...it would be in the future that every single one of us beat him up..cause my older sister beat him up long ago...and Im always waiting because I know how stupid he is.. he used to beat my mom, and emotionally torment my brother and I... I hold those things against him because i know he's a woman beater and people like that I have no respect for them.. not just because Im a woman but because I don't handle anyone beating on other people for absolutly no reason.
back to my mom.. I know that I love her.. I love her so much and I never want to lose her.. however I also have learned that she is not someone I can completely trust...after all these times of trusting her and being let down by her..or having her say what she says about whatever.. I never know what to believe.. but like anyone if anyone laid a hand on her in any way that was wrong I'd be the first one there..but then when I think of that...it's kinda the same thing? i don't torment her or hurt her... but I also hardly talk to her.. i have no real relationship with her like I did at one time...that time lasted little to not at all.. and yet I dont know.. I just don't know what to do about her.. I can't let go of the past because I know she will do it again..i cant trust that she doesn't know what is right for the kids or for me.. I know what's right for us..I dont know... it's so confusing.. and I wish things were better then this but this is the way that it is...
either way I've said alot.. i don't think I have anything more to say...
ttyl
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