three little word of lies

 I don't know if I am going crazy.. I feel like I likely am.. but it just seems the case when i talk about what is really going on in these depths of places that are meant to feel better. In the beginning we were one another first call, one another first thought, we spent time together even if we just sat on the couch holding hands, or going for shopping adventures, or walking home from the hospital, work, anything and everything.. 

I guess they call that the honeymoon phase, except difference was we didn't get to enjoy it for that long.. as things went a big crazy.. and it was weird.. because she ended up in hospital I believe and it was because of her happiness of having me in her life, that made overly happy which changed her levels or something or another. and therefore... we tried to find a balance

next it was IDK.. oh complete in one another's lives, routine down, of seeing, sleeping, loving one another every day of every night, and then it was gone.. for a week.. then we got back just to be gone again like a month or so later.. but that lasted a day. 

since the new year her life has become so erupted, everything for her is so unstable.. and I never know what's going on for her.. my friends tell me get involved, or voice my needs of being a part of her life. and believe me I have. but I told her straight up when I do... she always pushes away
I am forever insecure about us because of her inability to be there.. in crisis she will be there, but in times of just needed that connection.. that connection that is more than sex, more then simple things. I say I want date nights, movie night, walks in the night, anything, family nights, all this over above.. we talk about all these things were going to do. but when it comes to planning it.. or her showing up I am left in the cold. 

we had an argument the other day basically around feeling what I am always feeling.. and needing that reassurance that I need because were so rocky.. its like... i seen her once in 2 weeks, from before of asking her to come visit, or talk to me or something. she says Im the boss but reality is this.. she isn't letting me in her life. and she is keeping at arms length after telling me she is trying. 
the disappointment of what I feel about this relationship is beginning to outweigh everything.

I want confidence. I want to feel secure. I want our lives to matter to one another. I want to be cheesy corny with lunch dates, or any damn dates, where i am actually able to see her, or be with her, and not just through bs text message. haven't I suffered enough.. she says she loves me. she says she wants to stay with me. but her action as such are not the same. 
it makes me think its the lovebombing stuff, she only gives me the inches of hope and then quickly takes it away. 
example is she said she missed sleeping with me. and then half way through the time she ended up bailing on me. and not being here with me. and I realize more.. that maybe.. maybe this is all in my head. maybe she is with someone else, maybe shes out doing stuff with someone else, I dont know.

allegedly she says she will forever love me. but that love may not be enough. because I am starting to feel my heart shatter. I am starting to feel like the future of ours is crumbling, and that there is not enough glue or tape to keep that future coming to light. I am trying. I am trying. I am voicing my shit, I am voicing my needs, I am trying to get closer, and the more distant I feel. and then when I become distant then she comes.. but the push and pull of us shouldn't be happening. and I am worried because I realize she probably not even telling me the truth she's lying to me about stuff whether that be truth or not. I don't freaking know.. I don't want to find out 

but that's also my insanity talking. thats me being insane.. and maybe all is well and we are completely in love etx. I don't know what love is meant to feel like, I don't know how it's supposed to move me, I jsut know that I am completely crazy for her, and I love her more than anything, and if I lose her.. which I likely won't because I realize the benefits she gets of keeping me around.. but I am feeling like I am suffering in the loss, that those three words are only fake words. I don't really know.. I am struggling adn I don't know what to think anymore 

Lost moments

 I felt a lot better about nothing.. it seems like everything is setting me off and Im in a weird funk. I felt crazy earlier, so hyped up on everything, and so eager. and I was messaging my partner with very little responses. and when she was off work.. IDK what i thought. I thought maybe we'd actually connect have a conversation but instead that didnt happen.. so i thought about what she had said about communication and love and appreciating any relationship.. so I tried that.. and it didn't go very well either.. 

it's weird.. because IDK.. I thought we were past all this, I thought we were on the road to forever.. however it doesn't seem like the case and that terrifies me. because I don't know how to live in the world where her and I don't love one another. I mean we sat there talking about forever, no real date, no real agenda, but the concept is we want till death. 
but... 
the last few days.. the silence. the silence kills... the concerns, fears, everything comes up. maybe only for me.. maybe she's completely secure in our relationship and everyhting is all in my head.. but if we talk about the seed of love.. it has to be watered, we have to nurture it.. days in silence, days without seeing one another, or talking.. then it dies... 

and the more she is distant. the more she is "love bombing" to keep me here.. the more I am realizing that maybe I'm completely stupid. Is she really someone who wants me around.. does she even love me. why is she able to do so well other places but not with me. Why can she talk to her coworkers more than me? 
I don't get what the fuck to be thinking.. Im thinking Im not going to be in this forever.

and we are forever branding our bodies.. well she already has. but I am supposed too.. expected to in the next few days.. but Im feeling completely lost.. I don't know what to do.
people say communicate with her. tell her what you need..but I have... I have been as clear as day, I've expressed my concerns and its always short answers, less interest...unless she's love bombing. 

Im an insecure person. I have always been the person hurt in relationships.. and yet with her.. the power we have over one another is intense. and I try not to say anything to set her off. because I did that once or a few times, but it went really bad.. and I don't wanna worry about that.. 
So I have no idea, 

when is the right time to express concerns? when is the right time to say that I feel neglected. under appreciated? i feel lost without my other half, and I didn't appreciate some of her responses because she has me doubting what she actually wants in this relationship. what if she just wants me to be a booty call lol. or just a FWB? I don't fuckin know. alls I know is that I feel hurt.. because not that long ago.. was all about marriage. forever. rings. when. how. etx. 
and now its barely a word worth mentioning because theres less of us and IDK>>

I want to cry.. I want to feel.. I want to feel anything but crappy as I do. and instead I can't.. I am feeling so shut down. it is hard to feel anything.. 

especially my coping mechanisms. I need to do something.. I need distraction. I need to go away. I need to do or something something something.. cause I don't fcukin get what is happening.. how does she think its ok. how is this a relationship. explain it to me. 

I feel so stupid. so hurt. so jaded. I just want to shut down the whole world and people. its not been a fun week and its; been super painful and let me guess.... all down hill from here... right?

Why do I get like this? how does she not notice these moments? these outbursts? she doesn't even try to reassure me, she doesn't even try to make me feel better about anything she only utters whatever bs she can and that is all. adn it isnt enough for me.. I don't get why.. why I ask for more i get less.. and when I get less I still get even less.. one text a day. maybe. 
one bs ILY a day. 
how can you love someone and not include them in your life.. not connect. not try or bother to know where I am at and how i feel. 

WHat is going on... please don't tell me because Im scared of what this all means. or if its all in my head. then why is it in my head? because it always happens, and then things may be turned around but it doesn't give me more... it just IIDK>>>. idk.. Im hurt. Im sad. and I don't know what to do. what to feel if I feel anything at all

lost father

 I guess... its that time of year.. where I am in my mood.. of realizing that I've spent this many years without a father.. 
I don't know what was going for him, why he made the choices he did. but in the years I've worked in this industry, and the growth it's had in the years, I start to realize.. how powerful those that are in recovery. the strength they have to make it out of this life. 

I don't know a lot of people who have been able to make it out of the life of addiction. but those that do sometimes go back you know. 

I dont know how long it was.. before my dad left treatment or maybe even finished treatment he was doing it for himself and his family, he wanted to be clean and sober raising his children as far as what i read from his journal. He was eager to be a father. 
but he was coming from however life long life of addiction.. an may have been his go to thing when things fell apart. 

How terrible it must have been to die alone.. to have no one watching your back, and just not be able to live your life.. watch your children grow. or live a life of sobriety. to basically become another statistic. 

I don't remember him all that much... I do remember bits and pieces, I feel like that's how it is with anyone in my past.. I only remember random things, I don't see the full picture. But if you ask how I felt.. damn I felt loved. I felt special. I felt like I was his world when he was with me. 

he made me feel loved as far as I remember. 

losing him... and the years after especially the heartache of moving on wtihout him.. was difficult the people I got around, and the things I started doing. was all pretty shitty. 

but maybe its true. one simple traumatic thing or several change your life. 

for some odd reasons there are random things about me. there are smells. there are sights. maybe even sounds that I may get into and I will resort back to fear. or when I hear the rolling stones it makes me think of my dad, he used to listen to that alot 

I loved my dad.. I loved him.. I know that. and losing him changed my life. and I iwll always miss him, and i never want to forget him. on days like today I realize who Ive lost. what I've lost. 

whichi makes me see my kid. 

and sort of know the importance of him needing to be connected to his parents. to know them. see them? talk to them. maybe give them desire to want to get their lives better you know?> 
I don't know if it would damage my kid.. but I know they want to know him, and for now if he can just see them as potential friends, or whatever and grow to being mom and dad. then maybe we can grow as a family,
i don't wish to be free of my obligation to my kid. i have worked more than I EVER have to secure stability. 

recently I met some random worker.. who had heard about teh new worker managing a building, adn tehy apparently were talking very highly about the person, what they didn't know but later found out the person they were talking about was me. 
its nice that poeple aren't talking shit about me. 

anyway.. Im rambling my kid needs bed time snuggle

the light of my world

So there is a ton on my mind. An I dont know how to ground myself in these moments. 

I tried to message my friends or anyone who could distract me but have had no real help tonight. 

So I figured I'd write it up 

Today my partner showed me a posting about marriage proposals.. and it had me thinking..  whst in the world. Where in the world. How in the world would I make this happen. 

I'll happily save up money to make this real. 

I believe her. I believe her when she tells me that I am the one in her life. She loves me. An I'm trying to hold true to that as much as I can. 

But I have moments...

My moments tonight are such as what do we talk about. What do we do. How do we become more. I don't like the quietness that we share. Today was a bit of different.. we had breakfast. Sunday rest. An then went shopping 

It wasn't the best as we didn't get what I needed. But I'm glad we got out 

She had made me wear the same toque as her. I originally thought it was a good idea. 

How cute we are together. 

We got to take some pictures. We got to spend time together an it was nice. But honestly... I feel like I want more. I don't freaking know what more...

I want to feel... feel so in depth with her. Thst we can say we want in our heads. Or we can shower together without fear of rejection. 

I want the best moments with her the worst moments with her I want to be her strength. I want to be her shoulder to lean on.  I want to be her guard. Her everything. Her happiness. The first thing she thinks about when she is awake. The last thing she thinks about when she goes to sleep. 

I don't want to worry. I don't want to doubt. But I'm human. I'm scared I'm trying to feel the worth she has about me. But I feel scared just as much 

And it's like she wants me to jump right in. And I don't even know... what does that mean... how do I jump in. What does that look like you know. 

What does our future look like. What does our souls look like. 

I want forever. I want to be loved. I want happiness. I want laughter. I want tears etc

Can I just have it all..  is it OK that I want it all.

Best Part

 I figure I've spent a lot of time with these doubts/fears/ concerns about my relationship.. I realize what the other stuff..

there is a reason I am still where I am.. I remember when we met. when we actually met, and she actually let me into her life, and gave me a piece of her. 
I didn't know it then but it was as though she had been planning on this outcome. 

I am grateful for her.. I appreciate her. I honor her. and I don't want anyone else in the world. 

I love that when I call in crisis...when I call at all she usually calls back, answers, or is in the first car showing up to me. 
I love that she doesn't smother me, but helps me feel what I feel, while full along being present with me. I love that I have trusted her enough that i let her be here even when I'm "shut down" and that she is open to that and she knows or is learning how to comfort me, or help me snap out of it.

I love our happy moments.. the moments where she is singing to me while Im driving, how I randomly catch her in the corner of my eye staring at me, as I am driving her wherever. or how she sometimes just randomly listens to a song, love song likely, and serenades my hand as if it was me. lol 
shes so amazing to me... when she is present in my life

When I talk to her on the phone,and not through texts or whatveer. it is as though she hears me, as we know text messages are not toned in our actual words or voice or whatever tone.
so when we talk on the phone it is so much better, nad so muhc more beautiful

I love how she makes me feel.. that I can feel happy, content, and just daydreaming about the future you know.. the future such as getting engaged, getting married, building our lives together, having a family. 

I often forget that these may be insane thoughts.. but I want to be her everything, I want her to be my everyhting, and I want the entire package, I want the entire world, I wnat evrything. and i want  her to feel comfortable with me, she can tell me anything, she can try push me aside, and there is nowehre else id rather be then iwth her. 

I love her I love her.

I wish that she knew that more. I wish so much into the universe. I just want her in my life, and I want to be able to build our lives up. whatveer that may be

right now..its silence...and that is what is the hardest becuase alls I have is the glimmer of whatver is in my memory regarding her and I. 

and that is great but we need more good days then bad

What the actual fukc

Today was an interesting day.. I don't and wont get into detail of the chaos of the day.. but when I spoke with my therapist. my counselor whatever we call them. they had literally laid it out for me. which is weird.. it's weird when you hear that perspective come from someone who's listening. i basically said I didn't, or don't know where my mind is, or what it is thinking.. and then they laid it out.

I said I'm lost in what I want in this relationship.. I do know what I want, and I do know what I need to keep it up. and I do have to push even if it hurts when she pushes back. I have to continue to say what's real, what is needed to be said. etx. 

so I tried that.. sort of. but the push back was weird.. because my partner said I have said "ILY" as mch as they had said it. An yes it may be true. but it's because Im in a weird place. I am questioning everything, wondering why, where, when, how. there could have been. actually there are likely more stable, beautiful, talented people in the world. we are all our own imperfect shit etx. but yet here we are.. here we are. 

moments of losing life, losing breath over her. over the way she makes me feel loved. 

I don't know what to think.. I just know.. I realize that I have to be vocal. I have to be honest. I have to tell her.. like even now she is likely "sleeping" but its not fun when she spends most of her time sleeping, especially because she could have been talking to me, and we did talk a few times, etx. but it wasn't enough. because it was a mini argument about the people Im around, or the people I let into my circle. I don't think she was acting jealous or concerned she said she didn't care but it seems to have bothered her. and when I told that to a friend., they said that my partner needs to get over it because I or we work in an industry where we are surrounded by all walks of life, and I don't sit around thinking about the next notch on my belt, or whom I can love, or be loved by. I literally don't even look at what normal people, single people may think. lol 

maybe our relationship is just crazy. IM sure that is likely true. but I still stay. she still stays because we are in teh love, we want the forever, we want the heart and soul, the wedding, the kids, the family. and if I can go back to the work IM doing now, I can actually provide for us which I couldn't do before. so this would be amazing if I can, or we can do this. 

I love this person more than life itself. and I wnat her in my life, and I want to be haappy, and I wnat her to be happy... I want her to show up for me... I want to make plans, consistent plans IDK. 

maybe IM just crazy which is true but so is she. 

losing my mind

I'm pretty sure that I'm certain the world is trying to mess with us. I feel so much emotion. So much anxiety. It's unbelievable timing. 

The other night we went through in depth conversations an reconnecting. Stuff I love but it wasn't the way I wanted it.. because reality is I want that to be able to happen when we're together  we've been around one another long enough that those conversations should be in person. 

Then again idk...

What are the right thoughts to be having.  You know. 

So she went to interview yesterday and you know I didn't hear from her but when I did it was just to say she was going to sleep which hurt. Because I think if I am your everything shouldn't I have been your first call to express the fun you had. Or meeting the people I see daily. I don't know.

My brain is so fucked right now.

I feel so foggy. So much unknown stuff in my head that I can say just about anything. Especially because I feel like garbage... I feel like dying. I feel like physical pain has found me an totally wrapped itself around me. An I'm struggling to breathe struggling to cry for help.

I dont know why I get insecure about friends of mine being friends with her. Idk why it hurts to feel what I feel. An to know what I know. 

And to also have her at arms length right now. After what felt like a shitty night as it was. To more not talking. To more confusion an pain.

I hope that my feeling of foggy is all in my head an its not what I believe it could be. I want the world for us. I want to be able to trust.

But reality is.....

Let's not forget how many times I've been hurt. How many times I've likely spouted the bs about love. An how many times I've been wrong an become the pain. The punching bag. The let's lie sn see how long takes her to figure it out.  

I dont know. It's not who she is. She' made it clear that isn't who she is.

But does it mean it's who I am ? Because I've done it before.... when I found out my then partner was totally cheating on me...I totally went out and did the same. Or the many time of painful nights of having my ex hold a knife to me. Or whatever. Ugh

I don't like bringing it up but the toxic life that we had has spilled over to every aspect wn maybe they aren't that person anymore.. 

It doesn't mean I don't carry the same insecurities 

Why am I wiring about it. 

Because it's what I'm most afraid of? 

Idk. What to think say or do. I only know how to feel what I feel. Sn she knows I feel these things. It isn't her job to make me not feel this way idk

I better go. As I'm losing my mind just writing about it.

skeptical emotions

 I don't know what's happening.. everything seems to be "great" but thats because its like we reconnect adn then the time passes, and then when time passes, its like that "happiness" we both feel, terrifies each of us in different ways, and then we let it destroy us in some way? Or at least for me. 

Im trying... trying so hard to find some happiness because I want to be happy, I want to love her, I want to build our lives together. I get excited at simple talks about the future. I get happy at the idea of knowing I can make her happy with one message, or one conversation. 
I get happy to hear her talk about wanting to have children, wanting to get married, or whatever. its rare.. Then today I read about whether it's possible to stop loving someone. 

truth according to the internet is no.

and I believe that to be true. because there are a few people in my life time that i have loved.. that I have loved whole heartedly. that I think about in ways I never thought love could exist. 
anyway I believe it to be true.. that when we love someone, we give them a piece of us, and if they love us back, they give us a piece of them, or the best when you love someone and they don't love you back. lol there's so much love. 
but if certain people that I "loved" ever came back into my life for help, support, or whatever. I would admit that I would have to check myself, because yes I am happy. but I also will always want to love and support those that were in my life, each person who's come into my life has impacted me in different ways, good, bad etx. 

The person I love right now.. the person who loves me right now. makes my world so bright and beautiful, but with that beauty comes worry, concern. IDK. she recently said that being wtih me has brought out some insecurities that she hsa never allegedly never had before. and so it makes me think.. all my insecurities are on overdrive, all my inner dialogue of pain is overloaded, and sometimes I tell her but most of the time I sit here swallowing the pain, and hurting... IDK

I am in love with her. I want the future with her. but I also feel..what i feel.and Im scared of it. Im trying to be certain. im trying to be trusting..
And today.. I gave up...the ONE most important thing I had in my life.. and I let her take it. and it was hard, and scary but it was material item, that I carried wtih me for a long time, and so giving it up. not easy but it's my token, my devotion of utmost love toward her. and I hope it puts her mind at ease abot the situation.. and i hope we move forwad from ehre 

we have so mch life worth living 

rollercoaster

 Are we meant to feel this insane when we are where we are? I don't know.. I honestly am completely baffled by the power I have but at the same time how weak I feel. 
There's so much I'd rather be talking about or saying, I'd like to be able to share this stuff with my close friends but I can't.. because it's such a rollercoaster.. its one of those why didn't you do this or that. Or why didn't you just talk about it. 

I don't know what truth I have anymore.. I honestly am in a position where I just want the world.. I want to give her the world does that make sense.. with everything we've endured and been tested on..  I dont  want harm, pain, or sadness to be a part of anything.. I just want to give her the world and to let her be happy whatever that means. 
i know the truth for me is that I am still completely in love with her, and in one more motion of that love.. I give up the bs thing that people think matters to me so much. its only been like 4 or 5 yrs with this chain, but it's mattered enough to me as if it was the first one.. so for me to give it up.. for me to let her walk out the door with it.. I'm scared but I'm also secure. because this is my ultimate moment of complete love and devotion to her. if that makes any sense. 

I want to spend my life with her. not that I know how long that will be, or if it will even be possible. But that's what my heart desires. 
But in spending this life.. I also want more than just that.. I want happiness, I want to go out, I want to kiss her while standing in the rain, I want to walk hand and hand at simple things in life like going for walks, or going for dinners, or traveling anything other than how we've spent our time so far. 

today was a day I wanted to get out and instead that didn't happen and I felt disappointment because it was like when my BFF isn't there there's no one there. and that sucks because Im stuck alone. IDK.

and when Im alone thoughts get in my head.. just like any normal person, as much as you try sit in a room hearing nothing, and have nothign to hear, you always hear something.
When I'm alone for too long... these things come up.. the what/where/when/how the what if, the should have. the doubts, try to cripple me. 

I told her way long ago that I have faith in her love for me. but you know I know now that I am not completely telling the truth because I do get terrified.. I get worried. I don't know, I can't measure the love she has for me. I can't hold it, I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can only have faith that it is there, and moments like tonight, or today. in giving me 6 hours of time.. of majority of that sleeping, or not talking, or whatver. it has me doubting what this love really is.
and then we have moments like the other night. where that devotion of love is so strong that it causes both of us to reevaluate our choices, and yes we are together, but we both had a break down, and instead of reconnecting on our love tongiht, that hasn't happened... so I worry more than I did.. and I don't know what the hell that means for me

How do we get back.. or how do we get past this and move forward... is it possible.. is it reachable because I don't want to lose it, I don't want her or I to die, I want till death, I want the ring, I want the forever, I don't want some BS fairy tale, but I do want something.. Not that i know what that "something" looks like because I've never known love, never known love like this. so I dont know. 

Im feeling shitty.. Im feeling like I need to reach out but I dont know who to call... because they all not the people IDK.. or maybe their advice is about saying to walk away, when I don't want that. as I've repeatedly said I want this. I want this love.. IDK. 

Fuck Im losing my mind just sititng here thinking. IDK what to do... I have no distractions.. adn a lot of pain right now. 

ruined it

 Due to poor communication.. miss communication.. absolutely everything has been disrupted. and I feel like complete garbage. I don't know what the heck is going on anymore. I don't know what to think right now.  My world feels upside down.. and I feel compeltely lost.. completely disorientated and shattered 

I went through some moments that I can hardly get through.. and then it just was and has been like a roller coaster. 

I dont know if I messed up this stuff or if they messed up this stuff. it hurts... it freakin hurts.. we went into all this BS and all this stuff, and all this insanity that I am feeling so lost and hurt

I don't know if she's ok. actually I know she is NOT ok and I can't go out and find her, I can't chase her. I asked her to show up for me. I want her to come here and be with me. not to bail on me. 

I feel like just days ago we were HIGHER than high could ever be, living on cloud nine, and then within days it fell apart or feels like it did and we're both hurt, both suffering, and she wont talk to me, instead she will shut me out adn make me worry. 

I need to get through this, but I hate that we are here... we literally don't need this . 

I don't know... I dont know what to do... I don't know what to think. I am losing my mind. I am losing my mind with insane thinking,and I don't know.. I need to see her, I need her to show up. I need her to come here, or at least call me, or ask me to show up for her. 

we can work thro this. we both want to. we both want the world. we want the forever and yet... instead of talking to me, she shut me out. and said she has to deal with her thoughts, but she won't talk to me. and instead make poor choices? o r think abou tmaking poor choices that will only hurt her. 

what do I need to do.... she said I go above n beyond, so why... why make me feel like this? i dont know what to do.. I don't know how to prove to her. I don't know what to think. 
I don't get what her fears are and why she can't tell me.. 

What do I do.. Do i take the leap and run over there, knowing she is likely not there. or do I wait. and hope and put it in the universe for her lazy butt to show up...
Im too old to be chasing.. lol 

I just want her to try 

I want to try and make her feel better but idk what to do.. I dont want this to be it. I dont want this to be the end. I want her to say SOMETHING anythign! ugh... Im so worried and scared... I need I need to be ok

you have ruined me

 You ever hear that phase "you have ruined me" for all other women, does that make sense? 

Till Death

 So all this talk about wedding, marriage, engagement, etx. so much insanity! what kind of person am I? I don't know.. it's all I am thinking about, its like my mind is focused on this idea but it shouldn't be. because that's insane thinking. 

So we have this tattoo planned for next month basically just some fun tattoos, as we have one already this one is perfectly matched.. but we're also deciding on rings. because for some insane idea we decided to do something like talk about getting married etx. 
I know that's insane. I don't know why we are in this head space.. For me I feel like it's a way to public state my intention to be faithful, and in love with her, for all of my days. 

it got me thinking because truth be told.. we don't always have the best of days, and last night was test of that.. I literally BROKE down crying most of the night, and almost today.. I literally don't know what came over me, my explanation was that I had been triggered or something. I don't freakin know. alls I know is it was like my "self sabotage" bs about being so happy, content, and then it all came crashing down. 

I have been lost in this idea, these ideas.. that the world may be better off if I didn't exist... I get terrified of what people think of me, the real truth of me. and who I am now. and like the job Im taking on, and responsibility of that. IDK> 

Its scary adn I can't imagine the future. 

you know.. what keeps running through my mind as my counselor saying where do you see yourself in 10 yrs. and I couldn't answer that.. because I don't know. does anyone really know? maybe? 
all's I thought how old will my kid be, where will I be.. can I even survive that long? 

I literally told my partner last night about incident that happened couple weeks ago where I went to dark place, and completely utterly got lost.. and I almost didn't wanna come out of that you know.. IDK> 
an her reaction wasn't good. because basically said dont die on me, as she is fighting with every ounce of herself to live for me. 
I don't mean to be me.. but I don't know where or who we'd be if we never met one another. I feel like she'd be better off maybe? 
someone also mentioned maybe it would be better just to be friends or some BS. and I was like no. there's no way I want to be just friends with her, I want the entire world for her, and I can't imagine losing her.

but the intensity of that.. it hurts. 

Its not that I have doubts about our relationship.. its that I have doubts in myself. beacuse I feel in a dark place, and I can't reach her from here, and here we were today talking about our tattoos and stuff and we both got lit up at the idea of that.
but I don't know

I feel sad.. I feel like garbage. and I just want to walk away. I believe she deserves better. there are better things in the world, brighter things in the world, there are better ways of love that she may want that is not me.. I know that I am terrfied at the idea of having to meet her family, and getting there "approval" to be allowed to love their sister, daughter, forever. 
I've done a lot  in teh last year to prove my love, loyalty etx. but the thing is.. IDK... Ive also hurt her, I've also had some bad moments, moments of loss, loss of my own soul. and IDK. 

right now... I just want to shut down.. Some friends recommended some stuff. but IDK. I don't know anymore. 

Heartbreak past

 Im struggling common time I guess.. I have alot on my mind..and because I've been crying Im now feeling jaded and hurt and lost. IDK what to think anymore.. I don't even know where to begin.. I was super happy today. Honestly...
I read a stupid thing that talks about sleeping next to person you love, and how it improves your life. I must say the warmth of seeing my partner. it was beautiful, felt like home. 
we spent some of the day talking about the future. where we going to go, what we going to do, what our future looks like..my old notion of old traditions that no longer exist I guess. lol

It was good, it was fun, we laughed, we joked, we had a good morning.. adn then just like that it all came crashing down.. 
as I have been on the fence about job opportnity.. I was offered a job and then it was almost or is likely going to be taken away.. and it hurts..
the past of 3 yrs ago of a life I lived and stuff that I said and did.. the effects I had around people etx. I dont know what Im supposed to realize from that time, but I know Im defensive.. Im against the ideas the job has about me. this idea that I am not worthy of the job or whatever, even tho I spent a majority of my life in that job, adn not having people vouch for me sucks.. it makes me feel like garbage. 

Im hurt.. Im hurt beyond all things. and I don't know what to think anymore.. I went straight to what was familiar to me.. I went to my old habits because Im hurt. 
and now I have to explain this BS to people who weren't there etx. 
I have to hold my restraint about knowing full well that I can do this job, but knowing the shadow of that past is holding me back from moving forward
and it's like I wnat to do it..because I want to prove these assholes wrong..but... If I do.. then Im going all in. IDK. 

I just hurt... 

I don't like feeling like this. I don't like knowing that this job I've dedicated almost ten years of my life.. and to know I have the least amount of respect. nothing worthy of anything. I am hurt.. 
You know five years ago. I had the respect. the ability to do the job. teh ability to say this that or other thing, and I mattered. and i was happy.. but I gave it all up.. I gave up that job and moved into caring for my kid. 

I have no regrets in caring for him. I have no regrets in how our lives have turned out. but to know that I have lost this respect based on some bs rumors of people who don't matter. that is garbage and painful. I dont know how to be calm in situations where I see I am being jabbed at for being someone I am not. when my record of employment should speak for me in the fact that I rose from the bottom, that I get asked to help out, to support, to teach, etx. 

UGH!

Other than that.. I got to talk to my partner. we were able to talk about our lives, our future.. but... I don't know.. Im in the air. because I don't know nothing except pain I am currently feeling. 
I want to be happy. I want to be with them, but I am hurt right now. and I am shutting down because I realize there is nothing.. may not be anything good about me.. How hard it is to live everydya

I just I can't figure out how to get thro this. what is the right decision. why did I open this door thinking I was capable of this when I am not. 

Im so sad. I am feeling so broken. and I don't know what i need to feel better. 

im jaded 

the insanity of what future

 I am in a weird head space because Im thinking about the future.. does anyone ever look at the prices of engagement rings? or think of the future? what does it look like? as much as we say we want it. do we really know what it's like committing to one person forever> 
I have only thought about it 2x in my entire life.. but I didn't think all the stuff people think.. especially the price of engagement rings, the prices of wedding bands, and the certificate, and what follows in uniting two lives to one, or two lives to two paths leading the same direction. IDK.

Today my partner had mentioned it... the fact is I had mentioned it. because we both are thinking it. we both talk about "forever" we want this to be the forever, we want this to be our love. and yet we don't know when, how, or what for. like who do I get approval from.
and how come there is no one to watch out for me lol 
or our future where do we live, when do we start living, when do get it all together. you know. I don't know. I know that I love this person beyond all things, but we have rarely had enough time to combine our lives, or to talk. and when were together I don't always have the words but now that she has gone, my mind is racing.. why does this happen... 

or even notes I've made about shit to talk about and then we never talk about it, becase I forget I've written it done/. or what does she knwo? what have I told her> cause I have talked to so many poeple I don't know who knows what. . I want her to know all but I don't wnat to repeat everything over and over.. 

as well as I don't know.. 

so the thing for yesterday was interesting.. Friday night I went into whatever psycho cleaning I do. like deep spotless clean every corner of the areas, and I didn't message my partner, or text or call or anything.. and then I fell asleep because of all the work it cost to clean, it's not easy task.. and she had messaged me in middle of the night but I was asleep. I woke up to her calling me a few times,and messaging me, and then when I finally responded she had said she had the worst feeling about me. she thought somehting terrible had happened to me.. it didn't cross her mind that I was asleep. lol 

she blamed it on meds or her moment of insanity>

and my thoughts were Im grateful she cared enough to worry about me at all. because I didn't know or feel that she cared muhc, so honestly having that reaction just in essence of knowing i matter to her, that if she had a feeling or thought there could have been a chance of something terrible but that I'd be missed if I was gone. 
and thats what I like... because it makes me feel like I matter, that I am connected to someone

anyway.. 

I don't really get alot of chance to plan things because Im financially not able to. and I honestly don't know what to think about what she wants to do when she's around me.. 

so we just hung out.. I introduced her to some old school scary movies, and we watched some boring shows, chilled out.. and I realized none of my questions were asked. and I was like what am I doing you know. how did I do this>
isn't it weird..

what is it that makes me no remember the important things we needed to talk about.. 

I want our great future.. I want the entire world to know I love her, but I also want a future that is secure for the both of us.. I want our happiness and life fulfillment etx.. but I don't know where to begin, what to think, what to do.. her hinting about marriage... I am all lost in thought.. what does that look like.. how soon is too soon, or when is too soon, and when is too late. you know? does that make sense cause reality is that we say too soon for lots of things we've already done. you know... so when in reality should we think or do.. and who does what. and what does what. maybe I can wait for my claim with thing before i decide my next steps that will put money in my pocket. 

I know I want lots of things to talk about but I don't know how to bring it up with her. because we are usually distracted by other things, last night was what felt like the first time we weren't distracted by things would have been good to catch up but for IDK what reason it didn't happen... 
anyway...

Im rambling as always.. I have so many questions and I don't know how to get the answers, and Im also just IDK... losing my mind just a little bit... 

moments of insanity

I don't know I asked people if it's possible to drive yourself crazy without being medically crazy. The answer is Yes 

For a bit now.. I guess I've been overwhelmed or stressed about different things happening in my life and I'm realizing now that it may be effecting me. 

I'm in a relationship.. one that I'm mostly happy in but also feeling whatever. It hasn't been the easiest of times because there's so much going on and so much I have to learn. Or unlearn about things I've done or said before

It's hard sometimes...it's painful sometimes. But when it's good it's amazing. She doesn't bring me down or what not. But the stuff in her own life is a lot an I get scared a lot that my stuff may be too much.

It's funny because it seems to be her mindset as well. We recently talked about opening up communications but then stuff happened. 

It's not sabotage what we have going on it's just what's going on for her is a lot. An at the same time I don't know what that even means 

I daydream I have hope. I have a belief that is is a love like no other. An that our love will conquer all. An we will stay alive to live in this happiness an love.

Maybe it's an insane notion. But realistically...you don't just walk away when someone needs the love an support. 

Her ways of getting that are different from my own. 

The stress of it I guess may be a lot sometimes. But I also have a job an a kid an a brother lol. 

Financial strain in my life .. responsibilities to keep my kid fed an dressed. As easy of a task as that may seem. It doesn't come cheap. .

There's so much on my mind...

There is darkness lingering in my mind.  I feel it .. nudging to be free

I dont know how to explain that...but I need some more better days.  Because if this darkness wins I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm fighting with everything I go to find support. Find help. 

Life is difficult for everyone...but when things get this tough what does one do. How does one cope with these things I'm not sure.. 

My way is not good. An its causing me more pain than relieving the pain I'm already feeling. 

Idk what to do. An the other day I was off the deep end. And it's like coming down from that but realizing I still have all the same problems as then. Nothing really has changed.

My mindset needs to change. But I'm also realizing I'm not really anyone... I'm only someone to my kid. Maybe my one friend and partner. 

You know... some people are raised to just live in the world following in their parents foot steps. Some people are raised to surpass their parents short coming. Some people are raised to create their new path that is better 

Break down walls an bridges.

And I feel like I may be one of these.. but I'm also feeling the weight of failure... I no longer have a family. One thing I was raised to value above all things.

Not friendships...all my life friends have come an gone.   But my family was always there. An now. I don't have that. I create my own family but my person isn't around to fulfill that need. So what do I do.

Physically wounded. Emotionally brutalized beating. I need some clarity. Before my darkness. My beast or burden surfaces. I couldn't even begin to tell you what will happen if that comes to life. 

the future

 As it's still on my mind about the future... thinking about where I'd see myself in the ten years, or even five years. for so long I've lived day to day, sometimes thoughts of not thoughts your allowed to discuss, but I had those thoughts because in some way.. I honestly have this messed up brain that people might be better off without me, even my own kid.. but that's my down days.. 

when I have moments like now.. where I'm thinking of the past. thinking of the present. and hopeful of the future.. i absoluetly want the future now, but so much has to come together, and although there are people who believe I dont have doubts.. I do.. I'm human.. and being put in a position that has been extremely difficult for me. 

I struggle with so much of my own insecurtities, that I finally reached out for the need of reassurance that I likely needed.. and I honestly feel like some what got it, but also not really.. and therefore... where am i.. 

I just want the things in my life to go well. I want to be able to do everyhting my heart desires, and be able to give my partner all the desires of her heart, and healing strength that no oother 
I wish I could take on her stuff.. but I can't.. but being put on the outside.. of this whole situation makes things makes me feel scared.. 
there are so many others that are likely better.. more experience, more knowledge, etc.. than me.. but there is no love like mine, at least I hope not. becase I want this to last.. I want the future for us to be amazing. 

I want more good days, than off days, I want to be able to drive in the car and just give her a moment of happiness, be able to sit under the stars in the outdoors, or catch another movie, or go for dinner, or do whatveer I can just to lift her spirits..but... a lot of the time.. its like when she comes... she just wants down time, because her body is so exhasuted, when I make a plan it usaully works out.. but I have to plan this crap... it's not that easy.

My body is pretty messed up as is.. Just cleaning my house I can feel it in my body the pain of just simple things like sweeping and mopping the floor.. 
it's not fun.. 

I don't know.. my friend and I chatted today.. and I told her... that this is the hardest times.. is being present and not present, being positive, even though I feel defeated.. not by my partner but by the illness or whatever it is. ,because she's not giving up on me, but she also isn't letting me be there completely and in that way I believe that the illness wins, because if I was there, we could work on the conquer of that together, but when she keeps me separate then she loses hope, or faith, or happiness, and then things begin to go downhill. I wish she could see that, but I don't know how to make it ok.. I dont know how to support her, and be there for her.. I really wish I could... 
I don't need to do anything except to be present.. and let her love lavish me, and her swim in my love. because I have oceans of love for her, and just want to lavish it, and smiles, and happiness.. 

I miss her so much.. I'm trying to not worry.. because she said it's nothing to do with her and I.. its the illness, and I just don't know how to support that... I don't know how to talk to her about that when she won't talk to me.. and I don't know how to bring it up? how to push forward in all that.. 
i just want better days.. I want her to be ok.. and i want to be on the journey with her.