I wish I could tell you how much I love you, not the sappy love, but the real love that rides or dies together, the love that conquers all. I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, and how much the only memories flooding my brain are the ones you laughing and being cheerful about dropping me like I never matter, after confessing stuff of never giving up on me, being there when no one else has been. I miss the way your lips felt against mine, I miss the way you snuggled me at night, I miss waking up and seeing your beautiful face, I miss trying to be a better person that could love you in a better way. I'm scared because the only reason it all fell apart was because I was scared to be happy, I was scared to be content, I was self sabotaging everything, and I pushed you to the breaking point, and I pushed you too far, that I deserve the painful goodbye you gave me. I'm scared because I was letting you in, and maybe you realized the demons in my life were too crazy, maybe I was to crazy. you turned into my safe space for the first time since we got together, and for anyone who's anyone coming to that place of openness was hard for me, and maybe you don't see what I see, or felt, and maybe I should have been more open about telling you that, but I felt like we had a break through, and then next thing the world came crashing down. Im trying so hard to not pick up the phone and reach out, because Im trying so hard to avoid the darkness, avoid the person I used to be, the one that's whispering in my ear about how no one stands by me, and this is exactly what I deserve.
I'm trying to hold onto the precious moments we had, we only had a few but it's all I got to keep me up, to keep me from going back to the place I don't want to be...
I'm hurting. I'm overflowing with pain and torment, that I got dropped like this and it doesn't even affect you, it doesn't even phase you, as I sat here crying all day, feeling every piece of my heart that was mended while we were together just to have it all fall apart again.
Im sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I reacted instead of took a breath and responded. I'm sorry that I was psycho, and that i didn't let myself take a breath. I know you needed me, needed love, needed reassurance, and instead I reacted to the things that were said and it prevented the love to seep through my soul, and then I woke up and lost you, or according to you I lost you awhile ago, but I don't believe that to be true.
I had high hopes for longer than this, I had high hopes and desires for the future, I remember when you had said when we together in the summer, and I was blown away that you would have thought we'd even make it that long,
I don't need to question where we went wrong because I know where I went wrong, and I know if I let you in on everything, we wouldn't be here right now.
I got nothing but love for you, even through all the pain, all the daily torture, for all the needs, and desires, and wants, and yearning, longing, I still got love for you, forever in my heart you will remain, even if you'll never speak to me, or see me again. you are forever engraved on my soul because you taught me so much, I wish I could have had more teaching, I felt I had a lot to learn from your powerful spirit and soul, your strength, your commitment,and devotion, but of course I am me... and this me fucks it all up over something stupid...
goodbye my lovely one and only
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