I'm so amped up with frustration now and I really miss the ole days when I can talk to someone on the phone, that I didn't have to guess what we were talking about in a text or whatever.
I seriously feel like garbage. I cannot express it enough how shitty I feel,and how hard the last 24 hours have been, and how vulnerable I was, and am. I feel like garbage. and I am starting to do what I always do and that's push the people I love away, and that's the time I need them close.. but of course nothing ever works in my favor unless I actually voice it.
so I won't voice it because I don't want to need anyone, all day I've been reading about how we need to be strong on our own, and that it's not ok to lean on others, I need the support, I'm not happy to hear that asking for simple things like reassurance is such an issue for some. it bothers me because I have been pretty clear from the beginning, and I was pretty clear that I'm crazy, and yet here I am. struggling so much more than I ever have in mylife, and feeling completely shattered in every piece, not just my heart but my entire fuckin body. I am struggling to breath, I am feeling anxious and it's garbage to make me feel that way, and to not even care enough to call.
I'm currently listening to my song about giving up on someone because they are saying nothing and that's exactly what I feel, and that is super shitty because maybe I didn't give it my all, but I was pretty clear every step of my shitty way what I was going for, and I was honest when I needed to be. but it's just more and more the walls are crashing down, the love is fading? does love fade? actually yes love fades especially when your not equally molding it, or taking time to keep it real, and then you wonder why I say the illusion of love, because I was loving, but I wasn't feel the love. and then you wonder why I'm lashing out because yes I am hurting, but I am also demanding something.
I'm super hurt. I'm super frustrated... I literally spent teh night thinking about what if.... what if this that an the other thing, what if the worst possible things happen, and their sitting there laughing at my pain, and its encouraging my shitty behavior, and i'm breaking... like shattered glass all over my heart, like on that show, that tiny piece of shrapenal that is destroy someone blood flow that they no longer can have a beating heart, because as much as you got it all, you missed the tinest piece known to anyone, but it was in the specific artery that pumps the heart.
THat's how i feel... I'm dying slow painful death, because I'm being hurt more and more, and it's killing me to feel this shitty all the time
I was willing... damn I was willing to give up my whole world, to love without limits, without judgements without question. I was willing to go above and beyond any love has ever gone before, and I was willing to stand by you when all others bailed, when the only poeple willing to stand by you were paid to do so, I was willing to be there for you, this love, my love uncondtional and instead I got treated htis way, I got hurt this way, adn like any person who is smart, and says enough is enough.
Im fucking dying, and I am hurting, and I am crying adn your so wrapped up in your own self that you can't hear me calling u. that' hurts.
Im hurt. I'm hurting and I Don't fckin know where to go from here. this is such bs I cannot explain it enough.
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