So I don't remember if I wrote about it but I decided to start learning to enjoy the moments that take my breath away, to live in the "now" as my partner often says. I wish it were that easy but I find myself like any flawed human going back to the thinking I once felt before and it makes these moments harder to stay in that.
you know we talk about leap of faith, trusting in someone when they say they love me, and/or willing to change their lives or hearts or thinking into something beautiful that we can enjoy the moments that are my favorite ones. I day dream a lot about dancing in the living room, I day dream walking down the street holding my partners hand, and i daydream of a future where we can talk/laugh and cry together. where I'm being reached for, loved, desired, and completely found in someone else you know?
I thought today about the beginning
you ever think of when you first met someone? All the excitement of when will they call/text or write. I sat today thinking about the first kiss, the first hand hold and you knew right then and there this was something that wasn't a fling, and that you wanted to be entwined in someone that is so beautiful but also so terrifying.
I struggle daily with thoughts... and i don't mean to but it seems to be my nature to second guess everything, to question every moment, every text, every phone call. and that really sucks. I try to have a life, I try to go out but during a time like this pandemic it's so much safer to stay home, its so much easier too. I've found my anxiety levels start going off the charts when I start allowing myself to get out, this really sucks because I don't want to live in fear, but I also need to find the balance of being ok being outside in the world.
anyway I struggled today with some things, yet again listening to other people instead of talking to my partner about what i should do, and it really bothered me.. when I finally brought up what i needed to say it didn't feel validated adn I didn't know what to think, and I got scared to question it because I don't want to be someone that can't trusted or whatever, but to me I tried to keep it open and honest and I don't know if I was even heard, and that's the hardest thing about having this communication thing because it feels one sided sometimes and thats funny that of all people it's what I amsaying about it all..
today also promises were written to me.. and I struggled with that because it was beautiful, but like the happiness I worry that I don't know if I can handle it. I want to be all the things that make us great, but I feel like i need to also be accepted as someone who is struggling as well, I am not perfect, and I have a lot of flaws but I am trying more than I ever have, most of my relationships haven't been this intense or love as much as this, I feel like I've only loved one other person and that love has grown into family love, but love nonetheless, and so when I say this is beautiful and lovely, and full of life, full of a future, full of love, I cannot express enough how beautiful, how radiant with joy, how blessed i feel to have found someone, that accepts me adn all my shortcomings, and still wants to lay next to me, still wants to kiss me, it's been a beautiful ride, and i feel like if I died right now... I would feel satisfied and content that I had lived my life to the fullest. I mean of course I want to share the world experiences with my partner, I want to travel, I want to free turtles, I want to swim with the dolphins, sharks, I want to jump off bridges etx, but I also want to live in the moments like these that took my breath away and made me feel alive, to the point that I could accept death if it was asked of me.
I recently got a tattoo of course joker phrase, you know it's easy to say we will die for those we love, some would even say they would kill for those they love, but with all these answers of easy yes, joker said that was too easy, and said will you live for me, as he sacrificed his lover into the toxic whatever, and it was all she had to do was survive the worst moment ever and live and she got him forever.
I want to live for my partner, I want to die for my partner, I want to be whatever in the moment my partner needs, I want to be that, I want to be their everything, and I want to be worthy of that, and worthy of being worthy of being loved, worshipped and adored. because yes we deserve a great love story at least once in our lifetimes.
No comments:
Post a Comment