Had the worst day ever. and it just got worse as time as it should... I repeatedly wait for these days because I know it's bound to happen, to know how little someone matters to anyone. that they can't even ask if I'm ok, or if what I'm dealing with matters.
or to even be considered to matter to actually talk to me. I'm pretty sure I'm garbage, and I'm treated as such, and only given shit when its trash day, all other times I'm just getting snit bits of shit that matters but doesn't really.
I'm reminded of my shitty childhood, my shitty uprbinging where silence was all I am, I blend so well with that wall beause I'm terrified of being hit, raped, or molested, and yet here we are again. in a place where I'm realizing how little my life matters, or how little I matter to somoene.
you know how hard today was for me. I doubted my choices all day but I tried to hold true that maybe I matter just a little, just enough that I won't be hurt this way, and yet here I am back where I've always been,and feeling the way I've always felt.
the expectations of me are higher then ever adn people don't see how hard I've pushed myself, clearly no one knows me and clearly I DON"T matter enough to fuckin take me into consideration. that I'm hurting. I'm struggling, and I want the distraction. I want the need to be needed as I'm living a shitty life of nothing and no one, nowhere. but it doens't matter I guess
YOu know I"m stupid enough to listen to everyone who tells me this that an the other thing and I'm sitting here wondering why I did these things, why did I bother, why can't I just walk away, why can't I just give up on the people who don't believe in me, who don't believe I'm worthy, adn some say it's love, fuck love, this isn't love, if it was love I'd never doubt the way they feel.
I'm so messed in the head that all the things that are wrong with me are starting to seep through my areas of pain that i've always felt, and no one knows it but me. and that hurts.. that hurts that I can't trust one soul to feel better, to stop me, to make me feel better for one second.
I don't see purpose in my days... Maybe that bitch is right, that this kind belongs somewhere else, because right now I can't see clearly, right now, my heart is filling with tears, and my soul is drowning in the endless oceans of knowing how little i matter. I'm the type of idiot who would sell my soul to anyone to bring them peace or happiness, I'm the idiot who would let somoene else drive my car so that they can find where they are going.
I'm the idiot who believes riding this roller coaster at the edge of the back seat, holding on to the handle bar with one hand while I'm being pushed, I believe it is better than not riding at all, when reality is, the person doesn't want me there, the person is pushing me away and keeping me at very far length, I offer over and over to speak truth but when judgements are spoken about how i feel, ya you won't hear from me, I won't say anything, because that's not how you speak truth when someone is trying to be validated, don't you think i don't know how I"m supposed to feel. but you know in that moment I don't need the judgement, or the bs direction you want me to go, I just want you to let me feel what I feel, and maybe I'll start to feel safe.
I repeatedly listen to a song, because it's how I feel ALL THE TIME! "Say Something" sung by Kat Dahlia, and its how I feel. because I'm being told to say shit, tell me what the fuck to say! I do nothing, I go nowhere, and i definetly see no one, like most. I'm hiding at home, and I'm afraid of teh world, as well as I have no freinds, and no family. the only frined I have is just as afraid as I am to leave the house, so we talk but not about anything releveant to bring up with anyone else.
but I'm giving up.. I'm giving up on how I should feel because I'm feeling shitty, and I don't wanna feel shitty, I have spent a lifetime of being less than, unworthy, etx whatever fuckin other words there are, and I don't need that anymore, and so believe me when I say love for you will be forever but the way you make me feel is not loved, not anything that is good for me. and therefore whatever happesn happesn,a dn sure you can blame it on me, i'm used of that by now.
I just wish.. I wish I could show you the memories that live within my heart that we were good, the memories of being so beautiful, laughter and everything, and how hard I tried to bring that back, how muhc I lived iwthin the warmth of those moments that took my breath awya, and how muhc it soothes this darkness living within me, I believe we all have darkness, we all have doubts, we all have insecurities, but I believe there are memories, moments of strength that we reach onto and hold onto that bring us hope for a better tomororw, and that's what I hold onto with you, is that maybe you'll let me learn or desire to learn or start to do something other then this, because these momenst we've had impacted my life in a way that I'll never be able to explain and I wish I could share, because this is how I know, and believe an feel the love, but I guess I brought this onto myself, and I wish I could go back, go back to a place of laughter, joy, love, the purest form, that i cannot explain fully because those were the moments that took my breath awya, that had me staying up late wondering how I could have ever gotten you, how could I ever have been loved by you for any reason, because although I feel so unworthy of it, it was worth every minute, every second of everyday, and I love that, and I wish I could share those moments more, I wish we could find that, or that I could show you from my brain those moments thna maybe youd believe me, or let me believe in you.
No comments:
Post a Comment