Losing reality

 So I don't know how important it is to read but I've been doing that a lot lately, no not just bs from Facebook, or whatever social media or the news has to say. I've really decided to go into these places of e books, to not only learn about the world, but myself, and my relationships. I felt pretty crappy because honestly it's felt like I've been hit with a huge dose of reality and it hurts, and not being able to share that with anyone, or my reasons behind why it hurts well that hurts just the same.

I've been trying to "better" myself if that makes any bs sense, I believe that we can grow, and I can grow, in the very short few months I've seen my faults and where I am lacking in lots of stuff, I've also pressured myself into anxious situations and sometimes been ok. 
But I haven't reached out for support or help from those that I love, or those that are close to me, the reason for this is vulnerability, or giving them an idea of what my reality actually is? Does that make sense 

I've always been afraid. sometimes I'm afraid to be afraid, to have my insecurities, or have those that love me hurt me and not even know it or care, and that sucks but that's also a choice I've made for myself, I cannot expect people to read minds, and know everything that I'm doing, or thinking. 
I have felt like I tried.. I tried to be open, or ask for help and each time I've been shot down by them, it's like they aren't reading between the lines, they need the "I need help now" rather then listening to me and my text/voice or lack there of, and that really sucks, 
with all of this it has me it has me reading these things that I've read and realized what I've gotten myself into, and how lack of communication there is not just on my own self but them. 

we have all the bs words of the world to speak of "love" but when it comes right down to it I don't feel it any longer, and I think thats on me because I haven't voiced how much it bothers me, and I haven't voiced how rejected I feel to not have that extra 5 mins I had repeatedly asked for, and i realize the reason is because some people respond and go with change, and there are those that cannot change, and they end up dragging it out until what? i don't know. 

but I'm going to do what I can for me, and hope that they will want to be a part of me and my change, but I can't stop my whole life to try caretake, or caregive or whatever it is they are searching for. it really hurt to hear that they had all these ideas of what I've done for them, but when it comes right down to it, why not ask the question what have I done for me. I feel so left behind that I don't think of it as being on the rollercoaster any longer... like I've jumped off and I'm watching from the platform as they go on their own barely realizing that I'm not there with them. 
to me that speaks volumes.. and that's hard to say 

I have been super wrong before but I just feel like a secret lover, someone hidden at home that when they "feel" like letting me into their lives I'm there, or when they know I feel like how i feel right now, they say the bs "ILY" stuff and then I'm back to thinking that change is possible.. Its like that story... holding the rope I'm burning my hands, trying to hang onto someone, who doesn't want me to hold on, and I'm the only one getting hurt in this place, and that is affecting me, and my coping mechanisms. 
I never seen this light before but I don't like it and I don't know if it's possible to change it. but alls I can do is step back, and let them figure it out, and if they dont then I'll have my answer...

It has been a beautiful ride that I wanted forever, but I wanted to be a part of the good/the bad/ the ugly, I don't want to be on the sidelines, I don't want to be the only one who's cheering, I want them to desire/want/ yearn for more just as I have. 
I want to feel heard. I want to be able to speak without the judgement, I want to be able to love without the fear of rejection, I feel like I've been held back and put in a place that I do not fit in, and i no longer want to try... I've spent my life in hell. 
i've spent my life not being in love, that now that i am here I want it all or I want nothing at all. because I deserve a great love story, I deserve to be radiant with joy, and I deserve someone who wants to fuckin parade our love around the city and have that love expressed in EVERY way, to want to learn/teach new things, experience beautiful things. I don't like being afraid to say hey lets go for a walk at the water, or hey lets go out for dinner, even though honestly I've said these things in the past and been rejected... 

I'm so losing my reality of the reason why we are where we are, and I'm dipping back into all the places of who I was before, the beast of me, the beast of burden has come to own the game, and they don't see that, they don't see how hard today was for me, and how much I loved what I did and how terrible it is to love something that is so destructive, I didn't think to call anyone, I really didnt because reality is this is my own thing, and a part of me doesn't want that to stop, and I just expect to be loved in spite of the fact that I do what I do, and I just got to get through each day, knowing I'm losing myself, I'm losing the love, and I'm just on the losing team and that has to be ok, because I feel like I can't fight anymore, I can't speak anymore, action is louder than words, and I am done replaying the broken record of my expectations, if they loved me they would have known as I had previously had these bs talks already. and i shouldn't have to ask for it, it should be given without hesitation.

we all deserve love, and we all deserve a great love story, I want this to be it, but I don't know if they are with me on this because right now it doesn't feel like it, and i need to feel that because I'm feeling other things that are going to hurt me more than feeling their love.