detrimental

 So I guess we finally had it out.. it really sucks because I just sent an email stating that I was happy, and how hard that was for me to accept.It was pretty terrible to believe that all my happiness feels like a curse or something. I have always felt like that, and I've put that in the universe and been hurt a lot because of it.

My partner ex partner.. has been dealing with a whole mulitiude of items in her life but that I was not helping her, I was causing her more stress, and I don't know if she actually cared about me at all.. I guess I won't ever know.

SO her mental health, I bought a book very overwhelming book that I clearly didn't even get anything from it, I just created more problems for her. 

she had recently gone into hospital for hit to the head, falling somewhere, and she had a concussion, and I was being supportive but not the way she wanted it? I don't know. 

so then it just been downhill yesterday.. it was a hard day I let her in a place no one else had ever been, and to me it was a beautiful thing and it gave me that desire to trust her more, but I guess i should have told her that.

She ended up in the hospital last night because instead of taking care of herself, or listening to anyone who has a MD she just kept at it and caused herself pain, so I tried to talk too her... and we ended up arguing because she started joking about dying, or feeling like she was, and that bothered me because a brain bleed, or hit to the brain can be serious.. 

regardless we got over that, but then I don't know where it went wrong but things started going downhill, and out of the blue she asked me to go pick her up so I left immediately not fully understanding her texts. by time I got to where she was, i messaged her, and she had said she wasn't leaving the hospital, I sat by this place for 30 mins and it frustrated me. cause I was exhausted and tired adn so I reacted.. I snapped.. after she said I love you, I said "fck your love" and that was all I said.. 

my drive home was 10 mins, and in that 10 mins she got upset and by time I got home I explained what happened, but by then it was too late, and she just wasn't responding, and I thought it meant she was done being with me so I said for her not to show up at my home as she has spare keys, and i said I'll meet her downstairs and hand her her stuff she can give me my house keys, and she messaged this morning how happy she is that I ended it, and that she had wanted to end it but wanted me too

so all this time I been trying to get her closer in my life, and trying to find ways for us to get out and spend time together, she had been pulling away on purpose, hurting me emotionally each day, and i caught it but I thought it was just because she's in pain right now, and is not taking care of herself. 

so I thought this weekend we can I don't know do self care, or something because she's been working, living, going overboard even her doctor admitted, so it was a lot going on that I had to consider and worry about. 

I guess I pushed too far, and I just hurt her or made her feel whatever and she just finally gave up.. 

Ive felt like it was going to happen because of the way our lives were heading, I was struggling to say I love you at our goodbyes, I wasn't feeling the love from her and it was hurting me, and I was coping in negative ways an it was destroying me as a person.

I write this with a clear head that I see it but deep down.. I'm crushed. I fell for this loser, I loved her, and am/was willing to go whatever mile that was needed of me to help her survive whatever she was going through. I was willing to stand by and let her hurt me but to help herself do better. and that was only hurting me and it started to show with my coping mechanisms. so I guess its ended for the better, 

but its yet another person that she is let down, and that I am let down by. I don't understand what is going to happen, how i'll get through this, I messaged someone about what is self care but haven't heard much, I'm super hurt by what she had said, and how cold hearted she was acting, it makes me think it wasn't her but who knows right. 

so I guess just move forward from here. and maybe find my way through my own darkness again because I'm feeling like I'm drowning here and I miss her so much even though she did very little for me, it was the connection to an understanding that I didn't have with anyone else. can only hope for the best and move forward... learn from my own brokeness, get my own help again because I was so psycho here and I knew it, and she let me be that. and it hurt that we were where we were, adn she was holding this all in and her body was reacting to it.... finally makes sense...

Anyway it hurts. Im hurt. Im feeling pretty shattered... 

I wish only love and happiness in her future, there is no room for pain, we've already been there, felt that and dealt with that everyday. I have been down in the gutter for so long, hurting so badly it has been super painful to get up everyday, yesterday I said it was her and my son who kept my heart beating, and she liked that, as that the cheesy stuff she liked, and when she messaged me that, I gasped for air because it hurt that much that my heart stopped, but there's nothing I can do. I want to chase her, find her, and love her but reality is she doesn't want that from me. I want to support her, and care for her and love her and force her to take a break and get herself under control, in my brain her body is reacting to her overworking herself, and not taking that break, not taking care of herself. 

but maybe it's a lie maybe it was just me that did that to her. 

she got what she wanted. she hurt me beyond repair, and I'm forever branded with that love we had for that short of time, I don't regret it, I just keep moving forward and hope that one day if we see one another agian, we can see one another with love and compassion, no hate, we both helped one another in different ways.. maybe it was lie for her but it definetly was not one for me.