Give Support

 So I've been lost for awhile, trying to contemplate when and where, how and why, the necessities of life, love and whatever our purposes of the world may be. 

I have no answers in the world and yet I also have a ton of unworthy answers of what to do, how to do, and where to do, and why. but honestly it makes me think of a movie where I watched a man whom fell in love with a girl who was in love with someone else, and he said I have all these options, but whatever option I'll never get you, or some bs testimate to say no matter what I choose right now, I lose you. 

Its a hard reality but it's been on my mind.. because I'm catching myself in a situation where I'm starting to see that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

I want to love whole heartedly, and I feel like for the first time in forever I broke down the walls that have been built up for so long, it reminds me of another show, where he said that he had built a wall around his heart, and over the years it became more fortified and more secure, but for the first time wanting to break down those walls and let someone in. 
and I feel like that, and that is a hard place to be in for anyone who knows me. 

I love so deeply, I care so openly, adn I desire so secretly.. but the desire to let someone into my life in a big way it comes with risk, adn knowing that this one person has the power, the power to guard my heart, or tear me down, adn make me nothing adn that is a hard lesson. I cannot tell you enough how dangerous that feels to me, because some times when I do love, I realize that it gives power, power that someone else may or may not know how to hurt me, and idk. I'm just scared.

for the first time in such a short time, I decided to take the leap of faith, and stop letting my mind play tricks on me but my issue now is where do we go from here.. because I've taken these steps, or choose to take these steps everyday, that I need something in return.. I need to feel like I'm not going to be destroyed, that every fibre of my being will not be jepordized in any way. 
How can someone even love someone, you know I've been reading about love, and recalling all the bs love stories, but reality is how did they know, how do I  know, and where do we go from here. and what will happen to my fragile, shattered mended heart? 

I don't know if any of this makes sense, I'm rambling but it's thoughts in my head because I'm scared, I'm scared that I am putting my faith in someone that may or may not have the right intentions, I do not know, because I cannot see. 
it's lame.. 

I miss the days where we lavished, bathed in the I LOVE YOU, or the snuggles, and kisses. I remember when we even began and those moments where we seen one another looking at one another with deep desire, and I also remember when they first kissed me, and how cute it was, and how in that very moment I just wanted it all. I miss those days, and i think I deserve more days with desire, and love, and acceptance.. Just as I sit trying to understand them, or their issues, or whatver they have going on, I believe I deserve something of the sort that matters... even if that means just them saying I need the extra 5 mins of snuggles today, or wanting more then one kiss. whatvever the case, just something to tell me that I am needed, wanted, or loved.. Cause I'm an idiot who is all about the physical contact for love, and I need that desire or else I go into my head about the not being loved at all, adn then I begin fighting my own demons, and in my own darkness, and I fight to stay alive, fight to not make poor choices, I fight for whatever.. I just need something cause I don't want to lose what we have, but I want what we have to matter enough that the thought of losing me would be more terrifying. 

just don't know what to do, don't know where to go from here, and I just want to be all the good for them, the strength they  need, the love they need, the desire, the hope, the whatever I can be to help them through whatever they have going on.. but I don't feel that way