I want her to be riveted

 I've been in a weird funk lately, reminiscing about my life.. about the person I was and who I thought I was meant to be. 

I can't help but remember everything in my life, all this BS about wanting or believing that I can change the world...or that I was strong enough for anything.. I've repeatedly proven that I am not strong enough, and that I am super fucked in the head.. And that is super shitty.. I feel like no matter how much help I reach out for, how much I try to get the help I need, I just never get there.. it reminds me of the time I was at that place, I always felt like the only reason i got let go is because i was truly a lost cause.. there are people who can be saved and those that cannot.. and I felt like I was one of the cannot be saved so they let me go before I contaminated the rest. 

I am struggling with realizing how much I have lost in my life. Realizing that I actually don't trust that many people, and the people I thought I trusted I actually don't because there are only a handful or less of people who know all the truth there is to know about  me. 
I feel like no matter what people say.. about being able to trust anyone. i feel like it's alie. and i believe this because I've been put in this position so many times, where I pour my love into someone, and then when it comes right down to it, I get that shit I said thrown back at me, along with their remarks about how it makes me an unworthy person. 

I'm struggling because I miss the days. I miss the days I could pick up the phone an hear my best friend lame voice, just hearing her tell me she loved me it was like it calmed every storm, because of all the obstacles and all the people who have come and gone, she was always my lighthouse keeper, she was always my light in darkness, she was always my solid foundation to getting myself up from that darkness

I watched a lame show... well it's not lame.. it's awesome.. one of my favorites.. but it was an episode where he lost his father.. and it just reminded me of what it was like to lose my dad.. you know the world we live in today, you can take pictures, make videos, and voice clips, and everything to remember someone, but at the time when he died I dont think computers were here yet, we still used actual camera with actual film that you would have to get printed. 
and when my mom moved this many times, I guess my personal photo albums got lost or stolen or who knows what, so all's I have are the short memories of my life with him adn those definetly aren't enough. 

I think about making videos... pictures, messages for my kid.. because we never know when our lives will end, and even if we did we probably do everything we could to not have it come true. but if I could I'd tell him I loved him everyday for 365 days a year just so that he can hear my voice everyday, and it will be like PS I LOVE YOU where they had those love letters, but instead of it just being a year, it would be on the significant days, like the 25 bday, or day he graduated or got married or whatever you know. stuff of meaning or whatever 
but that's just me thinking out loud. and sadly hes the only thing I've got.. I mean it's not sad but it's sad that he's the only family I have and want in my life. 

I love my friends and the two brothers who are my family, but overall there isn't any significant thing I've thought of besides the best friend I had mentioned. 
I wish there were more you know.. I wish I mattered, or my life mattered more.. I'm struggling with feeling like I don't matter...

the job I'm doing barely matters, and yet I matter so much to some but I'm also a no body. 

i miss the days I was somebody, and I miss the days I meant something to anyone.. I need something to change, and I need to get my ass out of this house, because when I'm stuck at home thinking the tthings i'm thinking it honestly makes me feel like garbage... how can anyone survive covid lock downs, I guess not everyone is alone, but it's hard because I don't do well alone, adn I don't do well without the connection to someone else.. like even just friends.. I think I have one friend. I need to do something other than this because I'm hurting I'm hurting about all the things I've done in my life, and I want to be more, do more, act more, I don't know... I just feel like garbage today.

I always think I matter.. or that I am worth anything at all, and I feel like I get this shitty reminder, like someone or something sitting on my shoulder reminding me that I am not good enough, I am not worthy enough, if I mattered there would be more, or I would be more, or I'd matter more, and then I go back into my dark room and just I can't do that..> I really don't like being there becuase its not easy.. and I guess I'm mumbling whatever comes to my brain but I feel shitty today.. on a day I thought I'd feel great, or that things would be great, and they aren't.