So I've been losing my mind at this idea of things that I've been going through.. I've allowed people who shouldn't matter to me get to me, I've allowed my mind to play games, tricks, and whatever else it's been doing to me... I've been in this idea of illusion? I don't know.. why not write what is real for me.
I've struggled for the last few days.. struggled because I felt like I was holding onto something without anyone caring, or that it was like tug of war that I was clearly winning because there was no one else at the end of the rope, at least thats what I felt.
For one of the first times ever I felt different.. I let myself leap into something.
I've been reading, gaining advice (sometimes not the best advice) but I've been trying to find out what to do, how to feel, who to turn too etx. trying to base my situation off of whatever else, you know I can have this problem and 100 different people will have a 100 different ideas of what is going on for me? and reality is if I would have just asked the person that mattered I could have avoided all of this.
so today... while doing everything in my power to listen to others, by not reaching out, not calling, not texting, not even sending smoke signals, brain waves, any energy into the universe because I was scared, I was scared because I was told something that wasn't true but because I didn't talk to many people I believd it to be true.
so today I finally came clean, and so did my partner. We finally talked, and it felt so good... it doesn't deny what has happened, or what is going on, what we as a couple need to work on, or alone whatver the scenerio may be, but the thing that continued to bother me...
I'll be honest... the thing that bothered me is that I still felt like I was riding on the last car of a rollercoaster, still feeling like I was being shoved off, while gripping the one handle bar with one or 3 fingers, or whatever is grip to hold onto dear life, but I felt like I was being pushed away, that I was no longer someone who mattered enough, and I allowed myself to feel that way
but when the truth comes out, when truth is revealed.. no wait... wait..
When I finally had an epiphany. it finally hit me.. which is hilarious because we read about it, we hear about it, we probably know all about it.. and yet no matter what I was still oblivious
regardless while hearing it, doubting it, and continuing to push away the people who tell me it everyday I still tried to run it over, stomp it, kick it, bite it, burn it, cut it. test it in every way humanly possible but what it finally comes down too... is the leap of faith.. in believing in it even though i don't see it, I don't touch it, but I feel it. and that is more important then losing it because I doubted it.
so for the first time it only took me less than a year, I am taking this leap of faith to enjoy, lavish, and enjoy the love my partner has for me. I don't wanna doubt it, I want to enjoy it, I don't want to push it away, I wanna feel it's ever so beautiful presence in my life
I don't know if it matters to my partner that I had said that, but it mattered to me in a such a big way because I hear of these moments in the world, where someone just turns a light on, or whatver, and I would rather live with the lights on, and enjoy that love, than being stuck in the dark all alone without that love.
No matter what darkness we face, no matter what world we live in, I am going to continue to shout it from the roof tops, I'm going to continue to feel it even tho I don't see it, touch it, I know it is there. I know what is real for me, and I will keep that close to my heart. I am truly crazy, I am truly a loser, but I am finally at a place.. where there is beauty
today when we talked... when we were on the phone.. I heard it.. I heard that love.. and i wish I didn't have to hear it on the phone, it was the compromise, the simple moment where my partner let me be who I am, and let me be here for them, and let me feel what I felt, and reassured me where I needed that, adn it was beautiful and I want that to be added to my list of favorite moments with them.. yes I have a list, I also have a list of the important ways they had said they loved me. because Im a loser that way..
but today I am taking the leap.. I am going to go for it.. it terrifies me to say it but it also makes me realize what I had been missing all this time.. and I hope I'm not too late
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