Live in the Now

 So I've been struggling my same bs of not feeling like i can do enough to be what I want and/or need to be, and a strong desire to break down walls or barriers not only in myself but in those I love. I find it very strange to be in love with someone in such a short time, I keep replaying our moments together, and the moments that she may have had that i completely missed. and I just kind of glad honestly because I was all worked up about someone who did not deserve my time of day, and i had to go through that brokenness to be able to be aware that this shit happens, when people play games, and mind F's. 

I found it completely strange when she chose me, and chooses me everyday, I know it's not all about looks, style, money, but at least something more beautiful somewhere, but still chooses me. and it's not because of beauty on the outside but the person I've always been all my life, and the person I continue to be. I find it absoluetly beautiful that we were friends first, that we knew each other on a different level at first because in that way we got to know one another in a different way, usually I'm all about jumping all in, so it's been refreshing that we haven't and are trying to take it slow.
however the love is electric as we call it, sometimes rarely for some odd reason when we kiss its like sparks from electricity get shocked lol. but what I'm saying is the love is strong, the love is what is bound us together maybe for all eternity, I don't know what I mean by that but it doesn't feel like someone I just want to tap and go, or ever give up on, I see her flourishing in a future hopefully with me at her side but I couldn't say for sure.

I recently wrote about leap of faith in this love, and honestly that was a challenge the last few days because it felt like it was like I was being given up, like even though they had said all this I love you, adn the reasons of that love, I still felt like it wasn't enough, because my love language is physical contact, I need the hand to hold, I need the snuggle, I need the kisses and I need those things to feel the love that they had described, and I thought they knew that, but maybe they needed to hear me say it, and in doing so it opened up that door, that door to happiness that we've known so well before.
they decided to share with me how hard it is to be with me because they need the communication, they need that connection and I realize that is true, but that sometimes I am not sure what to talk about, because honestly when I tell people my type of craziness in my head they tell me that there's something wrong with me, or that I shouldn't voice those items because in saying them it will say something about me. now that's hard because I don't want unhealthy.. people talk about this a lot about the boundaries, and unhealthy, and toxic. 

I do not want that in my life, and I don't want that in my son's life. I know toxic, I know unhealthy and I don't want that, so yes we are trying to ensure that isn't us, but what about the "honeymoon stage" how long does that last because I feel like we kind of skipped it, only because of what happened to me, so I feel like randomly I feel like we are there again, when every kiss feels so electric, where every touch sends tingles and such throughout my body, or whatever.
I don't know love all that well to be honest... I have read books, watched bs love stories on love, and I have only experienced the dangerous love (which isn't love) but mascaraed as love. so when I am where I am, and I feel what I feel, it is terrifying... because in that love I am being asked for openness, for vulnerability and I am terrified of those things, because underneath all the facade of these layers of me, I am still that scared little shattered kid who went through hell, and feels like have to fight for love? fight for survival, fight to not become what everyone ever told me I'd be? I don't know

but sometimes I'll look in the mirror and see me, and other times I'll see the "beast of me" and other times I have no idea who i'm seeing. except that I try play like it's me. 

recently as of today I talked about happiness, which I'm sure Ive talked about before, and how terrifying it is for me to be happy. I like the idea of saying shit like satisfied or content, any other word but happy, because when I feel happiness I fear it because I have this notion of happiness that when I choose happiness that bad things follow, and I think because I put that in the universe it happens because I put it out there, I think I need to do something I don't know what, but a way for me to close that door or chapter, and allow myself to swim in happiness, because it's beautiful, the random times ive allowed myself to feel it have been incredible and I want that, but I will need to work on closing the door of why I'm afraid of it, people can tell me I'm crazy all they want regarding my reason for happiness, but that's my truth, my happiness, and that is my life, and one day I'll get over it... 

today I choose to live in that satisfaction of love because for the past nearly 24 hours things have been good, felt good, that every word they uttered to me went straight thro to my soul, and i lavish in that love, because it has conquered all, and it has set me free from my own darkness sometimes, today when I explained that sometimes to break down those walls of the beast of me, all's it takes is one moment of love, whether thats physical, or asking or expressing, sometimes it helps, and sometimes it shakes me from the grips of who I don't want to be, and I have to move forward from that but I also opened that door that I continue to have to close. 

Regardless I feel growth. I feel grown, I feel like love conquers and I feel like we are meant to last, whether that's only temporary or forever, I want to lavish in the love because it makes my world so much more beautiful that i can hardly explain or express it. but I am grateful for the lover of my life because they have been amazing in every way, and I stand by them in every way, because love conquers all, and we will live in the now.