Saturday, January 30, 2010


I feel sorry for the way you were brought up to make you feel the way you feel, to be defensive and crazy angry!
Dont have to explain to me... don't try this with me it's not going to work.
I talk about being here for my family and make it as if I'm chained to this place and this crap of things that are holding me back..when reality is... there's nothing nothing else that I could be doing that would better me at any point. I'm a moster, the beast and just... the days are counting as I'm seeing more and more how messed up I'm getting.

Today I heard the words, I felt the adrenaline, felt the hatred, felt the heat, and i felt every horrible feeling I could feel.. I felt like a lion winding down on it's prey.. just before it happened I stopped and realized what I had just done. I just hurt someone i care for, I hurt myself..I just caused so much fear.. that button that trigger was tested and for a few seconds I didn't even know what was happening and than I heard my own voice, and felt the fist in my hand, felt the blood begin to drp from my hand..and I realized what I was doing... talk about feeling ashamed.

Tomorrow I leave..and honestly I'm looking at this as an opportunity to for them to have freedom..not to be locked down, chained down by the fear of me.. when those you love fear you more than ever, than thats when I must back off because one day it could cost me my life... I am really outta of it these days.
I was thinking about it too.. It reminded me of the damage I went through growing up, and even just bringing it up anxiety began to develop in me as I realized what I am becoming, who I'm becoming and just the monster I am.. and I can only hope that in realizing these things I can change. because honestly if not..there will be no celebration only pain. dont ask me to celebrate days when i'm beginning to see my own true colours.. I'm freakin hating myself right now.

Hating the environment that I grew up, the words, the abuse, the pain everything I hate it all! I'm tired of people telling me that its all for a reason.. look what I've become..really look at me look at what I've become..I'm a moster, I'm a villain and I'm just freakin hating myself tonight.. I have to stop.. or I will destroy my everything, I'll destroy the bridges of relationships i have, I'll really screw everything up if I keep up like this... to look in the eyes of someone i care for and realize what I've done, what I've become...there isn't a moment at any point in my life that I wanted to die so badly i would've done it right than and there. I am ashamed of myself and everything I'm becoming and everything my mind is telling me that I am.. who I am, and what I am.. the beast. the hatred feeling...boils in me..

What a disgrace of a worthless life.. to even.. just imagine what I've done and the pain I've caused...made me realize how many more things have i done? too many to count too much shame, pain, heartache...they are better off without me. this was stupid.. so stupid... and i just am feeling so stupid.shitty, what was I thinking...look at what I've become!

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