Sunday, January 10, 2010

starting to break

I have been in school the last four days dealing with anger, coping with anger situations and issues... While dealing with these things I've found myself in an inner conflict with feelings of being inadequate and worthless... After all the fighting to be in Vancouver for as of yesterday for three years... I could not feel more worthless that my life has come to this point that I am on my own away from my family, and whenever i come into the house there is only tension... I had talked for a while about how it would feel to finally not be needed, or that I was no longer in charge of the household... to let go of all responsibilities in the home... iinstead of making any positive choices in helping my family out I just sat around... and I meant to go home but honestly I forgot my jacket, and just all lines saying it would not be safe or in my best interest to be going home in the pouring rain..

The situation that went on with my brother...well it's affected me greatly..for him to continuly speak to me in the ways he does, although he might be drunk.there is truth behind what he is saying... i'm broken up about the situation and honestly feel like the guilt or shame or hurt will continue to grow...
My brother at one time in his life I could not be more proud of him..for sticking it through all the situations and circumstances he has went through all on his own... but has contiously felt the sense of abandonment from me... one thing I had heard or that was that you know what my brother doesn't understand my life was on the line if i hadn't left..I'm certain beyond shadow of a doubt I would not be alive today...
I know that I'm struggling a lot with family stuff...I'm stressing about school..I'm feeling like I'm not being heard by my supports those who were supposed to be there to help me... while they are far away from me... and so i'm looking at the situations i'm facing now....and I regret being who I am, and where I am this time in my life..

I honestly... I can honestly feel those feelings and thoughts return to me about ending it all... screwing my life and just letting death win because more and more I see the benefits that I'm not worth being here... I have to stop myself as much as i can on these thoughts because I know that this is not the answer...that this is a choice and opportunity to walk or work through these events in my life... but when I feel worthless...when I feel like I don't matter...well than I feel that my life doesn't doesnt matter that I have fought to be where I am now, that everything I dealt with, still deal with, all my morals and values every thing about me is just a waste...

I have needed positive influences in my life for a long time... I'm still not gettng much of that either.. and now I'm stuck in this place... feeling these feelings... wishing I wasn't here.. wishing I hadn't made the choice and decision to clean up my life... feeling like I no longer matter... I just need to get out of this situation and stay as far away as I can..because this is not worth it.. these feelings I have, the way these family members of mine, the way feel here..this is not worth my time...and sadly when I leave tomorrow..I will really have to put myself to the test on whether I can do the right thing or if I will fail at this yet again.

I'm feeling very hurt about the influences my family has been in my life...Im sad that my doctor had to strongly encourage me to let my family be and that the first and far most thing I must do is take care of myself... and even in taking care of myself there is a lot that fails me in that time because I have no money, no food, and just a load of stressful situations going on in my life.
i really hope I have not dug my own grave.. and that something will start to open up for me because I'm getting real lost and real scared. im feeling like i had said the sense of inadequate and worthless... I'm feeling like i dont matter anymore and if I dont matter anymore than what's the point on living... i really need to get through this situation... or I need to just figure something out because i'm scaring myself with all these words.

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