Monday, January 25, 2010

last straw

Just as I was about to give up... and even than I actually felt the anger felt everything rise up as I began to fall.. I seen the little cycle I learned about in school as my judgment fell I started to get a little crazy... I honestly... it's hard to explain but I learned someting new about myself.. something thats a trigger but also a motivator..
The other day someone called my brother a waste of life, as to say he was nothing.. and whatever is said about my brother... well I get angry and take that on of course because that's me... So I was thinking of it.. for very long time of how many times I've heard in my life how much I'm nothing... how much I am worthless waste of life... that I would be as the world has viewed us as drunken drug addicts..
You know one thing I love about myself.. is that I can with pride say I never did hardcore drugs and swore on my father's grave that day would never come. and so i have knocked that outta the park.. and even though I have history of other things.. look at what I'm doing with my life...

Today I kept in mind... "I'm gonna show you what nothing can do" instead of letting this comment or whatever the heck it was... torment me into my own early grave.. I decided i'm gonna do it. I'm gonna make nothing into something.. because thats how I do. that's who I am and that's what i'm about.. you give me a stumbling block a wall of hardcore pan..I'm gonna show you my strength, I'm gonna show you that I can do anything.. I can do it with nothing.. because I will be more grateful for the things I have...

I realized.. with everything... normally... the instinct of me.. when I hear someone cut down my brother... i would react and lash out and put fear in the hearts of anyone who would say some false statements about any of my family members.. instead... I looked at the situation I got adrenaline and angry.. but instead of reacting I cooled down..and I called the right people, and have contacts with the help we have in Vancouver for those who want to harrass my family.. Instead of going back into old ways of dealing with anger and fighting people to the death.. I've stopped myself.. against every thing good in me to hurt others.. I realized this isn't my fight but also that I would just cause more trouble for my family.. so instead I called my mentor and retired VPD and I was able to get his help and get through this situation in a respectable matter..
That's how you can hear that I'm freaking changing!

I had my blood pumping full of hatred and anger.. I was at BC today and I was with my hommies my people..and I was telling them all about what's been going down with my family..and every single one of them wanted to jump on a bus and head to my mama's and help her.. but I was like naw don't worry bout it. I got this..I can deal with this the right way.. no need for record when it's something thats childish.
I realized thats how I do... thats how I can show you i can make something from nothing. I can freakin.. just do what's right..make right choices.. I have had to deal with the pain of that all day..because I really wanted to hurt someone, I wanted to believe their filthy lies that I'd become nothing..but I was like no freaking way!

I MADE it into COLLEGE! I freakin living my own life.. in my own place, my own world..and I will refuse to let anyone tell me that I'll be nothing. I refuse to let people tell me that I'll fail. that I'll fall short..because no matter what I have it in me to do something great...cause if I didn't I wouldn't have all these people backing me up, telling me they believe in me, they believe in my life, my cause and just every fibre of my being.

On that note... I seen something today...i'm not sure what it triggered but the person that committed suicide not that long ago...I know them... and my heart started to break..and I thought about it on my way home and realized...what am I doing now that's changing the world? I know how I can impact lives of many but I want the youth! I want to capture their hearts and lead them to freakin freedom from all this stuff that's going on for them.. I dont want to hear that these babies, these children are doing this..because this is not the way.. On that note I'm thinking of my life! my future. my scars. my pain, my damn story. and realizing how much I've got to share and how much I want to capture the hearts of youth and help them through their mess..and show them there is better.. there can be better than this.. and that's one thing I'm thinking about.. this has never come to my mind before but I've always known I'm meant to impact lives. but now my heart is leaning toward troubled youth and I want to freakin help them! I want them to not hear everything i heard of being nothing, worthless, hopeless.. cause there is freedom.. there is something...!!!! CAuse if there wasn't I would be here now... and I wouldn't be alive now...

with that in mind..i'm going to have a collaborative conversation and see what I can do with my life!

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