Monday, January 4, 2010

time and again

The story line of my life apparently is that I'm a fighter it has been my role since I was a kid to survive whatever things that came into my life. There has never been a break for me to continue on with living freely and happily.. I have had my sacred moments of greatness but suffered at time that has nearly and very real tried to destroy me.. To even describe what it means to be completetly destroyed.. You know I've been thinking about this lately.. as I have found myself in situations that have not been me..really..
I think for me to be destroyed is for me to conform to all my surroundings.. to dim the fire in me that causes me to fight to live, fight for my life... I think for me to feel myself destroyed is to no longer have the ability to continue on with this lifestyle I have chosen to live.. I was accepted for a specific kind of housing today and than they withdrew their offer because they said I was doing well for myself, trying to make it..and they were concerned about my well-being in that area. This was the first instinct that I am greater than this you know? I'm better than what I have thought all these times of my life...

I have tried and tried again with the choice that no matter what happens I'll never give up. a choice that I've made since I dont know when. Even though events have come into my life that have been a sense of me giving up I've got the scars to prove how messed up things have been for me.. but that fighting desire in me that's kept me alive. I watched a showed recently about a man who had gotten something stuck in his head and he was five times over the limit of alcohol in his system.. the blood etc... the idea for me as I watched this event before my eyes. it got me thinking how fucked up was that night? I look at my arm.. and a plastic surgeon stitched me up and I survived this event.. I also learned that this depth of this cut on my arm is as deep as lions bite... people die from these sorts of bites...or tendons, nerves or anything could happen.. however this was not the case for me.. I survived..with nerve damage that's it...
I dont know much about that night...what set me off what I acted a glimpse of a second I was gone... I didn't remember the seconds following after and sadly I'll never remember.. I ended up in the hospital I woke up cuffed to a bed with a strong desire to use the bathroom and I had to call work to say I was in the hospital.. and than explain the events in my life that caused me to be in so much pain that I had tried to take my own life... I seen the clothes I was wearing all torn and cut up by the people who saved my life... I'll never remember the doctors, surgeons or any of them.. and at times in my life I regret being treated and regret living..

I mean.. One promise the only reason I'm alive..was because I had promised I was doing the right thing and that I'd make better of my life.....instead I destroyed myself in a blink of an eye. every person that trusted me now question everything I do... the people I love and care for a wounded in a way that cannot be described or spoken about.. I'm broken about these things these things linger in my mind as I live and breath now... and wonder...sadly wonder what my life would be like or what their lives would be like if I didn't come back at all.

Its difficult to imagine myself getting through these events... it's difficult to imagine even surviving these days... but we are coming up to eight months...eight months since everything has fallen apart in my life..and instead of falling back into a lifestyle that doesn't lead anywhere, a lifestyle that brings me in a cycle that was not created for me to follow..instead of that I'm here. trying... maybe not wholeheartidly but I'm still trying..still fighting..
When I think of the people I'm fighting for..honestly there is no one I'm doing these things for. I'm trying to prove to myself that I am worth something. my life is worth another look.. All the years of greatness that I had in Ontario...proved to me honestly proved to me how happy I could become, how grateful I could feel, how loved I am..and how much I am cherished, how much I have something to share with the world that not alot of people survive. and through these events the last near eight months... I can do something great. I can keep living even when all else fails me, when I fall, when I feel hurt or feel the affects of the pain and choices and decisions of those I love. It bothers me to be stuck in the dark about things but when the time comes everything will be revealed and I'll find my way through it in greatness or in darkness.

the events surrounding those I love the consequences are still trying to reach me.. well not me but those I love.. I am going to do everything in my power to protect those I love and I'm not planning on leaving until the time comes that I must do something... and hope that I will have the support of the right people who have been there, and will continue to be there for me.. I have the opportunity for something more.. but the choices and decisions I make the next few days will be important they will either jeopordize the things in my life now, or they will help flourish my rep and my ability to do things that others may not know I had in me...

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