connection

I never really realize how important it is to have a connection a network of people who can say "yeah that girl is awesome, etc" I never realized how important it was to have these qualities... I was thinking of the people I know in vancouver, the people i've known since being in vancouver.. and actually am certain there isn't one person I could call and say hey I need a reference... I think of the kinds of people i've met since moving back and the history of these last three years...and i realize how isolated i've allowed myself to become... how much hatred I have in my heart for revenge, or even self-destruction... I've spent more time building and tearing up walls it's not even funny...

Now that I've been in Vancouver and actually started doing something with my life, started going to school, started to try and find some kind of future some kind of reason to keep living... once again a hatred a self-hatred builds up in my own self... realizing how much i have to continue to fight... fight to find a place, fight for someone to believe in me enough to take a chance, I have to fight for school... I'm not happy about this but in realizing the changes that will be made one week... i realize that i'll have to fight for school, fight for more help more support... I actually was thinking about some things... you remember.. well i dont remember I just heard stories.. but of way back in the day when life was not as much as it is now...people would have to work real hard at a future... work hard at applying themselves, work at just walking and getting there..
Just thinking of it now.. there is a movie about a child who walked three miles to school, three miles home... that's a lot of walking.. and yet the reason he was doing it was because he had a dream, a desire..

I look at my life.. i look at all these things I've felt that i've fought... you know how nice it would be?? to have someone not put me in the category of being an alcoholic, or drug user, or failure.. you know how nice it would be that i could known as a success person, do you know how great it would be for someone to recognize how much i am fighting to be in school.how much I'm turning my back on all that i love and care for because i know where I need to be with my life and i know...if i stay where i am, always i always be where I've always been... I've had to fight my own strategies in life to be someone... I've had to turn on things I didn't want too... and I've had to let go of the MOST PRECIOUS people of my entire damn life! If I had known how much work this was, how much I'd feel like i wouldn't make it.. you'd better believe I wouldn't have said anything I did to my dying friend.. I wouldn't have made that promise..

I know I'm getting negative.. i sense that going on with me... reality is that I'm seeing things so differently.. an being where I am now...I'm feeling the sense of loss, the sense of failure as if I'm just building a show to let the world watch me fall apart...
Its been a rough day and half.. an my body, my mind, and my spirit are feeling the impact of the things going on in my life...

i can only hope for a better tomorrow.. or nothing at all