I can listen to this one song over and over again, sometimes this late at night I just have it on repeat.. I'm not sure if it's about the beat of the song, or the lyrics that are in this song but it has been awesome for me.. I spend more time in a day listenning to a song...
I have been thinking about the things in my life that I'd like to repeat. go back and maybe change a few things you know... not only the good but the bad.. things that could've really changed the way my life is going now, the choices and decisions I could've made.. the words I spoke that hurt, the hate I feel in my heart for the people that caused harm.. the fear that lies in the depths of my soul as i struggle to find reason and purpose... continuing to feel the way I do.
There will always be that someone that I wished wouldn't leave.. that person that warmed my soul in the darkest of days, that person that held me in their arms in a way that I felt like Superman was real and was holding me in their arms. The deep desire grows in me as I imagine what the world could be like, what my own world could be like if I was back in that one moment.. one moment of saying no I'm not leaving, I'm staying and what kinds of things would have changed, where I would be..what kind of person I would be. Instead we live in the real world... the real regret lives in me, and the real fear envelopes around me..
The shame of the things I've done in my life..the pain I've caused, pain I've felt, scars on my body, scars on my heart, the hate I have, and the hate I've caused, the shame that lies in me that no one could ever see... the depths underneath it all..under all the pain, all the facade of me.there lies the beast, and under that beast lies the shame and regret of the choices and decisions I've made in my life... I say.. Just as much as I described fear in this way I think Shame can be the same thing...
it is like a snake... shame is like a snake.. squeezes the life outta you just like a snake squeezing it's prey all the air, every breath breathed is suffocating itself, and it's bones are breaking, just at the one last breath the snake swallows it whole... this is the same for me to have shame in my life... the dark closest, there is no cleaning out this area in my life.. but there is much regret and much desire to just be able to go back and change the things I did... to even take a moment an imagine where my life would be if I didn't make those decisions.
Regardless that my life is not as I had hoped it would be.. I'm not the person I had hoped to become... I also see the good in me.. the good that's beginning to develope in the turmoil of every situation I am dealing with, have dealt with, or struggle with... I see it within me...I have the opportunity to walk outta these things in my life that have caused me to feel broken, and heal from the wounds that I've caused myself..
I could try my best... to realize that children are children...they will struggle, they will feel pain... they will suffer...however they will be loved without limits, they will have moments of complete laughter and joy, they will learn things I may have never known, they will experience moments in life that have never been able to be seen before...and they will speak their minds, they will feel whatever feelings they feel... and one thing that's coming out in my city is that these kids...these little inspirations are feeling the oppression of the shit that we've all suffered and instead of surviving it, numbing from it even, they are turning to things that I wish wouldn't be in our world... to imagine this poor thing feeling these feelings, just asking for someone anyone to listen, to hear them, and understand, feel their feelings, walk in their shoes..what's going on for them? how could I! how could of all people how could I miss this? I'm the toughest person there could be... besides my cousin..but he's a rock. where as I'm the solid one who has suffered but talks, screams, yells until my message is heard... I freakin missing these things going on and I just gotta... gotta stop trying to solve this situation... but also try and figure out..how could my life reflect that even in wanting to give up I havent... I'm here...I'm fighting. I'm feeling all the feelings associated with shame, fear, hatred etc...but even in this darkness I still here..I'm still fighting...
One thing I've learned many years ago...when I first came back for a visit from Ontario...was the power of a voice... one thing I learned recently...is there is fear in speaking out...speaking up! screaming!... Testimony is the most powerful tool there could be.. I feel it within me... to scream! but don't know what to say. i just know that I have a story that needs to be heard, I need others to know that when they are feeling whatever feelings they are feeling, they are not alone. I need my sisters to know that they are lucky to be where they are, to have someone like me loving them so much.. I worry about them. think of them. love them... of course same goes for my brothers...
I shared my testimony some years ago..the whole life story everything detailed. and i cannot even describe to you the reaction of it... so many people came to me with understanding and telling me their story..which is one reason I felt that writing my book would be significant...one reason I love playwrights. one reason I love writing! because someone somewhere in the world is dealing with these things too...
We are a powerful creation.. I know this... I see that my body mind soul are powerful. I have the opportunity... even in shame, regret, pain, heartache and so much regret of the past... I could not forget the past but not let it bring out the beast of me because this was not the person I was created to become...
Lots on my mind! and a majority of it came from my repeat button and my all time favorite series.. lol
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