Sunday, January 24, 2010

shinning star

I feel like tonight's the night that everything in my life is going to fall apart. Instead of crying out for help, calling on people who care for me in anyway. I'm getting scared and I'm just... I'm watching all these things before me crumble to the ground.. Not having a place to live an just imagining for a moment of what my roommate is going through as he is in a shelter...Tomorrow night sadly enough as it is I'll probably be joining him.. yes you heard me right. I am so desperate and so at the last part of everything.. I'm going to be spending some time in a shelter.. I'm so.. tonight I should've went to my buddies place I really should have just left it all behind...but I wanted to come back to my comfort.. and just as selfish as my brother I'm here..

Im sad to say that my life... everything... i'm starting to break with it.. and honestly at this time in this moment there is only one sweet ass person on my mind that almost just takes the sting away from the turmoil I feel I am facing.. Its not about confusion of feelings okay it is.. but it's also a matter of feeling alive... to be facing this turmoil once again and being able to see there are truly people in this world who have been through so much and still do real good in life..just like me..or I like them... we've had to fight for living, fight for school, fight to have others have faith in us..
I just... I honsetly have never thought my life would ever come to this you know? i've been born and raised in Vancouver, I've slept at the woodwards building, and I've met so many people, known some people all my life... and some for at least or more than ten years...just to know there isn't one of them that I could call up right now and tell them how much everything is falling apart on me...I can't explain to them my situation.the underlying issue...
to realize... how hard I've tried to live. how much I've tried to die. and how much I am where I am right now... i'm terrified of reaching out for help. I'm scared to tell people that the shinning star me is looking for a place to rest my head, i'm scared to tell people...that I am crumbling, destroying, dying, fading away inside. I feel all the reasons to live, all the reasons continue to fight to continue to be a yearning... and all that is left here... are the realities of the person I am.

How could I do this to myself? How could I put others in jepordy? how could i even live like this? for another week to live like's not going to work.. you know when I was a teenager... I used to get into fights with my ex....and my ex lived right by a bus that went straight to SFU...and honestly i jumped on that bus and slept at SFU.. i'm not sure what it was that was there...but I went there and fall asleep... so I'm thinking that's what it's going to lead too for me... i'm scared of shelters... I'm scared I'm ashamed to admit that my life is coming to having to sleep in a shelter..

In this moment for right here... i feel like a failure.. I have no stable housing, no real stable friends that I can count on. The only thing I have is school and as much as it's's not there for me now... I have seven dollars to my name and I've been saving it for about five days now.. I haven't spent it or anything. I finally changed my clothes. and tomorrow will be the final change before I head out... and hope for the best about all these things..

I am jepordizing a lot in this house in my family... and they have never faced consequences of these things...but I have a feeling that this week will be the testing of those decisions.. and so I have to leave..

Its honestly.. in just these small hicups or whatver you might want to call them.. they are really messing with my head.. and I'm realizing more and more. I'm truly not the shining star I'm the freakin... hurricane of distress, drama and freaking whatever it is that I am. i really... Im honestly on the fence on that evening near eight months ago..I'm placing my mind back in that place because I'm really getting confused.
than on top of all these things I hear something that I will need to confirm with my VPD.. but hearing that... well... i'm crazy enough as is what makes them think I can do any better... I'm not sure what to do anymore.. everything is starting to fall apart and I'm just losing it..

"When you feel like giving up remember why you held on for so long"--Unknown

'When you come to the end of your rope, tie knot and hang on"--Franklin D. Roosevelt.

With everything.. to nothing.. to trying to make clay outta mud, to trying to see the stars beneath a reaching for the moon and missing and landing on a star.. to being loved unconditionally the only thing keeping me from freakin jumping!

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