Tuesday, January 26, 2010


My heart is feeling so different i'm getting very confused but also realizing the impact I have on influencing others.

You know recently I wrote about how it affects me to have people or have a world view of who I am and what i am about, being called nothing or worthless. I had expressed what would happen or has happened when people would bring this stumbling block before me.

Than today happened and i could not even describe the impact or feelings that are fluttering in me to think of what's going on in my city.
Last night someone or a group of people thought it would be cool to burn a totem pole that a chief had been working on. The totem pole was signifcant because the man who was working on it was a respected elder in the community. the part that impacts me... is that someone had the desire to have some fun and gain nothing by starting a fire with a totem pole.. Something that my culture holds strong too, in many parts of our city there are totem poles, there are stores that sell totem poles and there lives being changed and transformed when lookng or carving such a beautiful piece of art.

The thing that impacted me.. was that this man.. is an elder.. and sometimes no most of the time that's all needs to be said to me.. i thought that it bothered me when people called me nothing, worthless even.. but than I heard about the choices and decisions that were made.. and honestly I could not imagine what kind of pain or disappointment it was for this chief to have to make his work of art into kindling, and fire wood.
I could not imagine the kind of pain he must've been feeling.. and because he's native his first reaction is well it wasn't that good anyhow.. it doesn't matter to me whether it was good or not.. it was his art, this is how he shows the world who he is, and what he is about. and someone decided to set it on fire. and you know whats strange? is that no one knows what happened.. isn't that something? I spent the day there gathering the cut up pieces of this carving project, and i was raking pieces... and do you know how many people came and asked what happened? Do you know how many people had already heard what had happened before anyone told them? and yet there is not one person who can clearly come and say this is what happened, this is who did it..

What glory is it in destroying a man's work of art.. I do not personally know this man.. But I hold him in an honoring place. because he's an elder and because he has a gift in sharing his talents of his work of art with the community and sharing our culture with many others. and here it was being chopped up.. as to say what? his work is not valuable? to say he wasn't valuable? this really bothered me because I really am just disappointed..and I had to drive by the other two carvings of totem poles because i was worried. and I needed to know before I go to sleep tonight that at 9pm tonight they were fine.

i'm really disappointed. and i feel really sad that this has happened. I feel whatever it is that is within me to feel it..but it is something.. and it bothers me that no one has come forward, it bothers me that these people group, kids whomever they were thought this was going to be done for fun...

In seeing the events of today.. and the events of yesterday and the impact that i've been seeing. i feel like i know what I want to do.. i want to share my culture, and I want to help troubled youth in their lives...
My immediate thoughts are ok what must i do to get through my own struggles, get the strength i need, the counselling I need, the pride I need, to be who I am and where I am without worry.

there is a lot I must learn, a lot I want to learn. and a lot I must do to change my life, to have my life reflect my words and a lot of need for stablity.. and all this comes together in time. and until than i am happy to be a part of these youth organizations that help youth, and I'm happy to write letters of support because that's who i am.. I have been able to see the impact these youth organization has had on youth.. and the impact they have had on my life.. and I'm happy to write those letters, and happy to be a part of this community.

On another note!!

Someone.. well two of my friends actually thought today was my birthday.. a part of me honestly wished it had been.. because the love and celebration of today even in the midst of disappoointment and pain of today.. it was a nice gesture. i have kept them in the dark about when my birthday actually is..
I was thinking about it today... after my two friends called me up thinking it was my birthday or wrote me an e-mail etc..
Anyhow is it okay that it bothers me about my birthday?

I know the significance of this years birthday.. but you know.. the only great birthday I had was when I was at NLGH! that was honestly the greatest birthday in my entire life! the cakes, the presents, the love..everything was so great. and than the next birthday that i loved..was when i first moved back to BC my family all made me a birthday card and my sister made me the biggest card ever! I loved it!
But other than those two times.. my birthday has never been something i want to celebrate..it's difficult to celebrate my birthday when I've been disappointed so much you know? when there were expectations or desires and it all fell through, or when I was younger and being told I wasn't meant to be, and how I was just nothing and worthless.. so for me to celebrate my birthday.. it's just not necessary.. I just e-mailed my lady..and said everyday is a celebration of the love we have for one another.. everyday we celebrate our relationship, and just all these things.. its difficult for me to make a big thing about my birthday because it honestly just doesn't seem worth it anymore..and for me to say that it makes me sad..but I've lived like this long enough that it just doesn't bother me anymore... Ive learned to let it go.. and be okay with this being the way my life will be.. I'm good with that!

Wow today!! WAS an impact of realities, disappointment, and joy at the end of the night...to be loved... awe just to be loved.. to know that people are happy I'm alive... this is all I'd ever need.. nothing else would matter because people are happy I'm here..and that's all.. seriously.. that was the best! way to end off such a day as today!

Good night

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