fear

i have found myself walking into this new year with fear in my heart and it's always obvious I never have fear in my heart when I am walking into fear all on my own.. I mean this in the context that my family is facing a situation that cannot be explained or described in a safe way that would see that we would proudly make it into this new year... instead I am up at this late hour thinking of the things that could and would want to happen right now..
You know I was thinking about this and as I have personally faced many complications in my own life the drama, heartache and pain...the fucked up nights of pain.. well the reality is now that this is in the past and right now at this time in my life.. I am okay but i have to do everything I can to ensure safety.. for them to sleep safely into the night of dreams.. however until these current situations are dealt with I deeply fear that somethiing may be wrong.. it's different you know? I mean if this kind of stuff was going on with me while honestly I'd face it, I'd walk right into the paths that I have done...the choices and decisions I make I face the consquences and will not run or hide.. I did that in my past and lived in fear and one thing that I said when I moved back to Vancouver..is that if anyone from my past had a problem with me from the past while I walk into it with open arms..
However this situation is not mine thankfully I've grown up as much as I could that I know this is not my situation, not my thing.but it involves those I care for deeply and this is the reason i'm here the reason I choose to not back down.. to not be apart from all this....but there is a sense of obligation in me that compells me to protect those I love.. I remember I was on the train with my lady and my sister and one thing that we talked about because it was a game night... we talked about in a situation that could happen who would I fight to protect? it's obvious I have a high obligation and desire to protect my family..my family comes first before myself, and before friends, and those I love..it wouldn't matter sadly enough but this desire for family the love I have for them... it can be overwhelming and I would never turn my back on them. until the day I die i will not walk away.. I can only hope that some other people in my family would realize the situation they have put us into and how i will surge up all the anger of pain and start and lash out in this situation.

i feel like I can't sleep and I worry about because as much as we might have lots of men in the house I feel like i'm the only one who would stand up... I mean I thought about it again..when these two drunk ass guys stepped up on my cousin instead of running away like a girl ;) I stood infront of my cousin to use myself to protect him...these two guys were bigger drunker and just all around idiots..but I didn't care if anyone was going to hit anyone they were going to hit me trying to do it...as an idiot that night for me though was that I stepped behind my cousin to call the police... and that's when the shot came in..and my cousin got hit in the face..instead of stepping up we walked away... it was a really messed up situation.. but time and again this is the person that I am.... i have a huge value and love and obligation in my family... because I love them I would do whatever it took to protect them, help them, and love them without condition and hope that one day this love will carry onto the future maybe in a more healthy situation.
I was thinking about this today.. you remember well not many people know but when I was growing up I was hurt tremendously physically, emotionally, and just all around everything about me was wrong. There was one main man who caused this amount of pain in my life and because of those things I became something different after the years of heartache, the bruises the cuts, the crap I withstood in all my stuff. I became someone else and this person is the person that writes these words.. because this is the beast of me that will not back down that will stand up for those who are weaker even if it cost me my life...

Once again. another story... as I'm not sure if this story will ever be able to be told to the one perosn it matters too.. I was watching a show about one of my favorite singers "Johnny Cash" well there were some interesting things said about his autobiography... I've never meant Johnny but from his movie I could relate to areas in his life the darkness..etc.. anyhow... one thing that was said was there was speculation that June rescued or saved him from those events in his life that would have cost him his life, he was consumed in so much darkness, so much pain.. and there were some who would speculate that June was his savior.. but than I think one of his kids said that it wasn't that she was his savior, or the hero, the rescuer but that she was the context of the goodness of life he could have, and she was the one who just lived her life in reflection of what life could be like...it was by her life that he had the compelling desire to change and become a better man..and he was... before June he was really lost but when she came into his life she literally swept him off his feet... and this story sits with me tremendously.. because I have been thinking contemplating the situations going on in my life the people, the relationships etc...
With the comments i recieved from someone I began to pull back from those who are positive influences in my life... and part of that is my own thoughts of what's best for them, and also the comments of others made me believe that I was someone who was looking to be rescued.. and for a short period of my life I could see in what ways some might think this was the case and situation I was going through..for a season i believe yes..
However this person in my life is the context of what my life could be like if I should choose it... this person has been through some pretty fucked up situations, situations and darkness I am not completely aware of..but i hear it, and feel it at times....the pain and heartache all these things.. anyhow.... I realize this person is not the answer to any of my problems not that I had ever thought this person was, but some might speculate these situations and things.. but it was not that at all.. it was that this person was able to share with me... a piece of their heart that shows the unconditional love, and the fighting spirit that lies within me to do better..
It's the opportunity to do great things the opportunity to be someone great.. that fire that I felt had died away.. I mean I remember this person and some of my readers might remember that girl I used to be.. the one that had a zeal for life, that had some of the funniest most memorible moments on a farm.. six acres of land.. it the beautiful country side.. I became a changed woman there and instead of leaving that place and carrying her with me.. I allowed myself to become consumed with life without bringing in the proper supports to keep that girl in me alive..
and even to this day... What I need to do is find a way.. and hopefully this sounds as it does in my head.. to be both the fighter and the beast... lots of people say can't have it both ways but I really hope too.. I have met many police officers who have it both ways that are on the job as the beast but have compassionate heart to care and love, and fight for their life and those who are unable to fight for their own lives, to believe in the soul, the heart and not just the persons appearance choices and decisions.

I'm losing it aren't I? but I just want it both ways... to be able to find the balance between the fighter in me and all that I hope to be.. but also to find the ways and areas in my life that i will need times like now to become the beast... to put on this facade to protect those I love and to hopefully stay alive in the process.

Can you believe I just said that? I had said that I wouldn't want to live.. I regretted everything in my life.. but reality is that you know what it is true that my family holds true in my heart and I love them so much that I'd live in this painful world, suffer all the pain, and just burn my life in flames for the glory that my family members deserve something great... to be given the opportunity to live, to love, and to enjoy life in a way that I may never know how...

WOW!!!

I will do everything I can to be here.. for now.. right now it's two things that are keeping me alive.. the safety of my family... and school...

I will not let go.. as long as I have these two things.. I am here