Thursday, January 21, 2010

the fear


You know.. I have been through a lot shit in my life.. alot feelings, a lot of thoughts, a lot of pain and freakin things I regret things I hate.. things that destroy me..
As I write these words my hands start to shake as the fear begins to envelope and wrap itself around my soul, the tightning of the beast of me rises up against all that I feel I've done.. I'm trying not to think of it.. but I can't help but think of it..

All the reasons I should not be alive, all the reasons I don't deserve this life of mine! ALl the lies that have near destroyed me, believing in societys way of my culture, believing that I would never amount to anything, believing every horrible message...that I'll never be anything, and I was only loved by the man I buried fifteen years ago this year.. my father!! Damn it! STOP!

The task the reason my heart is feeling so heavy... Is that the influence of others.. the influence of children, teens, and adults. the cycle of life that has envloped into a cycle of life that needs to end!

Tonight I'm trying to use the tools I learned in class to help me not react in emotion, or fear or anger... hearing my other sister tell out loud that she wants to end her life.. she is feeling blamed for everything... she is feeling whatever she is feeling with no one listenning. I am so sorry that she feels that way but I can't do it!! A few months ago my baby sister said the same thing..and I couldn't help but pull away because dealing with people who decide or want to think or open their minds to suicide... I can't live... I can't even comprhend why they are saying it, and even in those moments I look and feel my triggers, and buttons being pushed as I remember the past fuckin two years of my life of pain and heartache and the many damn times I tried to take my own life...

This is very much a trigger for me... It not only reminds me of the horrible person I am to be so lost and so burdended..but it also shows the kryptonite that I can't help those who say these things, I can relate but I can't listen. I can't listen to how they feel because it reminds me of the feelings that may lie deep within my soul...I'm scared for this and this is why I feel the anxiety rising up in me...and the shaking is here..

There is only so much I can do.... I can't force my family to get help, I can't force them to do anything and I have to hold to this... I have been getting help for my problems, learning about these things..but for them.. it's a choice... they are not old enough to know the help they need, but when they have family members, or friends who are committing suicide I'm sure it's a huge fear, or whatever it is...

To imagine it you know?? I don't even want to be specific about my own situations.... not that I don't feel I can face them.. but just as much as remembering my father's death is difficult would be just the same of looking at the scars on my arms, looking at the times I was outta my mind lost... so much pain, so much heartache... it never helped that someone would say they were there.. cause those words said to me all my life..just to be let down, left behind...and I couldn't deal with people saying these things to me..
Imagine the kind of pain I was dealing with, am currently dealing with... but one thing I'm holding true too is that school... I dont even know why I'm there, why I am staying with it. but I feel like if I don't finish this people be right about me... starting something without finishing it, and the inadequate feelings that linger in me would come true to me once again. I have to fight and even then... I wrote an e-mail to the director of my school and told her... that the greatest inspiration for me was school...when I am not apart of the classroom I feel lost, and I struggle to deal with my life... I'm inspired when I'm at school, I'm encouraged and I am for some of the first times in my life I feel at peace with who I am, not knowing the future but being okay with not knowing, and just sharing myself...and believing in others and in turn believing in myself and my ability to succeed even though I'm supposed to fail.

I can't fail... I can't keep being as I've always been... I can't even... imagine what things would come around for me..if I decided to quit and i know that being accepted into school couldn't have come at a better time in my life.. I had just gotten outta the hospital and returned from a powerful journey and than once again fighting to be in school.. fighting to live.. fighting to find purpose even without knowing what it is..I know that there is something there for me.. one major way I remember this is that I have this scar on my left arm! HALF and INCH deep! not a survivable scar, wound... I was bleeding to death... and yet here I am... near six months later still here.. still living... eight months ago... dont even need to talk about it... four months before that.. well that doesn't need to be talked about either.. and than in november... these are incidents I had survived, times I was given a guardian angel, or just a knock in the face to get back in line of my life..
So when I hear what Im hearing tonight... I shut down. I get scard because I can't imagine what it would feel like being that young... no wait.. never mind I was younger than both the girls when I decided I didn't want to live, and started to cutting... but the torment I had faced with all those years... well I'm ok... I'm who and what I am for a purpose and reason

This is just too much... Once again I'm going to be calling out on my supports because this was a little much for me.. and believe it will be difficult for me to sleep with these thoughts on my mind. one reason I love being able to write...

For I have to take care of myself.. i have to recognize the things that are going on in my body, in my emotions...I've always known how difficult it is for me now a day when dealing with someone who is having thoughts... but trying to be the solid rock, the superman person to help them through it...well these sorts of situations are my kryptonite I learned this the few months ago that my baby sister said it, when my brother said it..and now my other sister is saying it... I can't imagine what she is feeling.. but hopefully I can call the right people to help me not figure out how to solve it..but how to make her feel like she can talk to someone.. other than me... it's a weakness, a trigger a hurt for me... I'm not prepared to be thrown off track it'll hurt..

feels a bit better... just need one last thing.. and than try find a way to get it outta my head before getting some sleep... I have to hope that I can let this go as I sign off... cause I really need too..


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