Sunday, January 3, 2010

not prepared

Im not even sure where to start about the events I found myself facing tonight? I went with my family to go see "Avatar" Not realizing the extent of what it meant that so many of us were outta the house well the events at home.. coming into this event this place.. well my heart could not be more sad about everything I seemed to walk into.

My brother ended up drinking and started acting up and got upset and started lashing out we had to call the police to help calm him down and than i was asked to sit there until he fell asleep.. he kept apologizng...and all's I could think is how am I supposed to not enable him for these situatons and times? I was told that my mother and myself are enabling my brother to make this many mistakes and act out and drink do drugs, etc.. with no consquence.. and i just dont get how I'm supposed to stop him from doing these things?

Im getting very frustrated with the situations I'VE come baack too.. you know.. i know i made some really poor decisions since moving back to Vancouver but you know.. i started the road of stopping the things the external things, or a majority of them.. i made them leave my life.. i have been fighting to do better with a few problems here and there..and yet i still get blamed for the situations and circumstances we have walked into.. its my fault. i caused it. i hurt him, i abondend him and i ranaway like a coward. and yet even in my return instead of being the person I was.. I became hurt and just damaged from all the death, heartache and pain I endured and the habits of my thoughts about good and had consumed me..

i dont know what to do any longer..

I'm back at contemplating people in my life, situations and cases in my life. things that help things that don't..feelings I have and feelngs i dont... lots to say but no real words of things that need to be said.. I'm freaking losing it and letting myself get consumed by thoughts that should not exist..and i'm just.. I need to get myself out of this being consumed by the moments in my life that are causing me to fall apart.

i made a poor decison had nothing to do with my brother but everything to do with certain people in my life..and because of that poor decision it's got me back here..

im not sure what i wll do about this or what i can do..but hope that i can figure it out...two more days, one more day and hopefully things will work itself out...and i'll find my way outta this mess..

Im not prepared for these moments in my life as I am facing each of these events in my life.. i feel the life in me, the fighter in me continuing to fade away into the darkness..because I'm sinkng back into the attitude that feels or assumes that protects me from heartache and pain and love and joy..

watching this situation unfold tonight... feeling their hands around my neck squeezing me... for the first time... i just didn't care I didn't want to fight back because i felt i deserved it... what good has come outta my life? that would make me fight back? im so disappointed in the choices and decisons those close to me have made and i'm just feeling really hurt...sad...and ready to walk away


No comments: