off track

I felt better talking about my own situations..but that was not the purpose of that entry.. I just went off because I was getting emotional, and feeling the beast rising up in me..

The cycle that is currently entering my life, or the lives of those i care for... teenagers pre-teens, children are entering or entertaining thoughts of suicide...
Can you imagine what kinds of things must be going on for a child that young... I don't follow the ways of God but I believe in his word, that children are so precious to him.. and I remember holding so true to that if anyone hurt one of God's children he would rise up in vegence.. or whatever.. so to imagine

my two sisters... young children not completely aware of whats going in the world.. trying the new trends of school, the new feelings and emotions, body changes going in their lives.. to imagine that they have a friend of a friend who was a year older who decided to take their own life.. this was never meant to happen..
feeling lost. feeling alone. feeling scared. feeling burdened. feeling like a mistake. feeling unworthy. feeling broken. feeling horirble..

The feelings...the world.. This is not the intent of the children... this is not what these kids should be thinking about... what is the world coming too? what have I failed at doing for them to help them openly get help, openly to talk to me?

I'm really sad that children are thinking of this... I'm 24 and I have suffered from the pains of life since I was 10. and yet here I am..still here even in the darkness, even in the beast of me. I'm still here... so when I see my sisters, hear my cousin who is younger than both my sisters.. saying the thoughts, saying these things!

WHAT is our city doing? what are the people doing! WHAT is our culture doing! how are we interacting with our children to help them understand... what's going on, or what reasons or something! JUST something to understand. comprhend.. the things that were going on, and the fear.

I don't know... I just I personally have personal circumstances in my life that help me know how or what might have been going on... but to address it... this is not my place right now.. for this time it is my boundary. I'm still working through my own emotions, my own darkness, my own beast... but one day maybe...
I feel like that one day should come soon...because I am deeply burdened hearing that pre-teens are having thoughts like this...how much help is out there, how much understanding?

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My will shall shape the future whether I fail or succeed shall be no mans doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. my choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.