Saturday, January 16, 2010

basic necessities

I'm honestly afraid to write the words that are going to be told but honestly I feel like this world is crashing down on me and I'm scared... I've been struggling with food enough as it is which is one necessitie of life, but now i'm going to be struggling with a place to live...
I'm afraid to admit the choices I've made and what has brought me to the current circumstances and the fears that are enveloping in me... Lastnight for the first time I was grateful to have a place even though I hardly have food I had a roof over my head, whereas in the next couple weeks this will also be taken away...I gave my notice in thinking finally I had a suitable roommate set up, to have my uncle call me and tell me it's a poor decision to back out now..
My immediate thought is my uncle is my elder, he is looking out for my best interest,and he cares for me a lot... so the cultural side of me is when an elder speaks they need to be listened to and obeyed... so now I've lost my roommate and by feb 1 I will no longer have a place to live.
than when i face these situatons in my life I am now looking at the past eight months of my life.. even though i am moving forward in my life.. the things that were broken, no the relationships that fell apart in that time...So I thought about writing those people a letter in hope to just let them know..

I mean because of June 2 it felt that it ruined my life I lost my job, and status... I had very good reasons to be in that place and time in my life. the painful memory and thought of losing someone close to me...well the pain outweighed my judgement and i fell apart.. it caused me to go on the wrong path even though I made that promise to this person that died that I would live my life fully, that i would continue on... I didn't realize the loss of this person in my life hurt so much, that deep down in the depths of my soul losing him made me feel like I didn't have reason to live any longer either.
So now... i look at my life eight months later... and I've been in school since September and have had my moments of fallng apart but I've created a support system, people i feel I could turn too, and the best part of it is that I've created the fighter instinct in me... the will to survive, to live for whatever purpose that might come up in the future. But than.... looking at my current struggles now... the things I am facing I'm worried.... I'm scared and I honestly am feeling myself go back into the mindset of wanting to break down again...

What things must I do to create this barrier so that I am certain that I won't do something foolish? I know that it feels like in one day!! one phone word everything has come undone and I'm scared out of my head..
You know one thing...that i think is good/bad about me... is my cat... exodus has been alive for a near three years and I've had her for that long... and there are parts of me that thinks that it might be better for me to let her go and live somewhere else...but the hard part about letting her go is that she has stood by times that I didn't even know were difficult to me... and so because of that connection and love I can't seem to let her go... and I am not sure what to do about that...i mean it's a major reason why I am struggling to find a place to live.

One the necessites of life start falling apart there is a sense of realizing maybe everything has been mixed up.. I begin to question the existance of my life, the value of my life... but I realize just from the one incident the paiin I caused my family from cutting myself so badly i almost died, well... not just family but two people who have expressed to me their fears... there was a lot spoken about the guilt they had both felt in not being there to stop me from my own self-destruction and the fear of actually following through with a suicide attempt is that more people would feel that guilty feeling of what they could have done to stop me... and not only that the choices and decisions that would made following the death of me... there is a lot being said about the choices my friends would make the destruction they themselves would fall into, and even for my family members...
So instead of thinking of death..I'm fighting for my inner conflict of trying to figure out whats best for me..what can i do to change the outcome..and what do i need to do to get the help i need to figure things a way that would just work...I'm desperate and I'm getting terrified as the days come to an end...i don't want to take my life, and I dont want to end up in the hospital..

One thing i had in mind was about... all the help available to those struggling with abusive relationships, help for pregnant woman, and just help all around... but when it's for me... i dont fit in any of those categories... I'm not damaged beyond repair...but I also have very few places to turn.. i need someone to see the struggle of me to believe in me and help me through this difficult situation... need results...I need to know that even faced with all this paiin, all this fear that there are people in this world, in my city that will help me continue to fight to live..fight even when i dont feel like fighting... I'm getting scared and I'm getting desperate..I'm terrified... I'm not sure how much more I can do.... I'm not sure....I am becoming vulnerable in these times because of the life that is being taken away...

I dont know anymore

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