Wednesday, January 27, 2010

hanging on by a thread

The stress of today and the feeling of the weight of the everything.. literally fell on me and I was pressured, pressed, rolled on, destructed, destroyed. it felt as though the world came crashing down on me.. I struggled constantly to breath and I struggled with the hint of anger at the surface because I finally had it.. I literally finally had it.. I was way outta the roof of things and just.. i felt like i could explode from everything.
I have finally found a place to live and will be moving in this weekend, and then there was stress about my cat. and than just everything! everything was too much feeling, too much emotion.. It literally bothered me once again to hear how people are there for me.. because you know what in all the broken mess of today I didn't see anyone! i went through the events today being able to make it on my own.
I recieved a letter about my finances today.. there is so much stuff i need to catch up on and wish I could. my cell phone is on the verge of getting cut off and I'm feeling like nows that time to just go an hide away for the next few weeks hiding in my house! OH MY GOODNESS! i have my own space, my own living space no worries about anyone! I have my space! I cannot even wait to be there to be away from all the drama. It almost as if I'm at the point that it doesn't bother me that my phone would get cut off because what do I need from anyone anyhow? lol

I actually was thinking about this today.. am I really?? terrible if I wanted to hide away for the next few weeks? there is an underlying reason but it doesn't need to be talked about.. but I just honestly honestly really surely with every part of me I just need to be you know? I need to rest.. I need to know that after everything I've worked through it's all coming together. I'm feeling overwhelmed by all these things.. For a few brief moments of today I felt inadequate and we all know how that makes me feel... I got angry and nearly hit someone, beat up a metal fence.. I was boiling with anger because I felt small, I felt stupid and I just did not feel heard today and that was what made me nearly go off the handle.
I was able to calm myself down and get things dealt with and now my cat is with me, and we are home in our temporary home and we are about to go to sleep..

I dont think I've ever loved an animal well..nevermind I loved a cat in ontario. but for me having my own pet my own animal.. I dont think I've ever loved any animal more than I love my own cat. I've had her for so long..and she has been the best comfort for me in the darkest of my days..and I cannot even describe to you how she has been the I've done everything i can to get her safe and sound and now that this is dealt with I can finally get back into buisness of the tasks I have before me..

After all this you know.... i just need days of rest. I need to sleep. i need to not have to move, not have to worry and not have to care about anything at all! that's what I really need right now... and i hope in the days to follow I will have that and I'll just be happy in my own space I can't wait for that day!

There is a lot on my mind. a lot I need to talk about..but I'm too tired..I still stand by all that I stood by.. and I'm still doing everything I was doing. but I'm realizing more and more the boundaries that need to be set for me so that I don't get as overwhelmed as I had today.


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