loved back

I honestly don't know where to begin..where to start...

last night when I went to bed all's I thought about was whether my father actually loved me. I mean I honestly don't remember him saying it. I dont remember any of that sorta stuff and I dont remember him being angry or anything like that.....but then last night I felt like I wasn't sure if my dad loved me.. how crazy are those thoughts? i mean I was so unsure of whether my father loved me that I wanted to send a dear friend of mine a e-mail asking her....instead I was in bed and I kept talking to Exodus asking her....do you think he loved me...an all she did was purr and cuddle with me...

then tonight....

i was put into some new turmoil... I've loved someone more then ever before...someone I care about with every inch of my heart... someone I cherish...however...I've seen this love of mine go through some difficult times in their life.. an it hit me...how do I really love them?

I was thinking about this..I will feel bad for writing it but I know that I need to or Im going to break down again..
I wondered what kind of love this was...because I've played second best in this person's life. they have never really seen me....I mean pieces of me yes...they say they love me back....but... I dont know anymore....im scared to doubt that...

the other night even last night I was looking at photos of a friend of mines wedding...and the steady gaze is what I had seen while looking into each photo...
it got me thinking today...
I've known different types of love...experienced different types of love...and then I've felt the trueness of real love....that love does not compare to anything....

however then I have this love..this love that used to give me tingles just thinking about them, talking to them..this love that gave the opportunity to give them a nickname. this love that has been in my life for so long...Im worried as craziness now...
I read a quote about how things change..how love changes...

I wrote my love once...and said things are changed....but regretted it right after...and then.. now im just confused...because I see these things and look at these things...and then lose my mind.

I remember in the beginning when I was dating...it was amazing...a great feeling... the tingles, the amazing talks at night...the time together...then months later it's all changed... I started working and then all's I have is nothing....Im focused on work...
if not that then Im emotional rollercoaster all my life but ten times worse as it is October.

my heart feels like pouring out blood...I feel overwhelmed with these painful thoughts of everything...and now I just am so confused.

the truth..the lies..the everything....all the everything in my head. and then I got nothing but the words I write here.....I maybe like writing here sometimes is because there is no response...because if someone responded something I didn't like...or if I were talking ot someone face to face about this Im sure the results would be more difficult for me to handle.

I feel so wrong....I feel so wrong for feeling this way....unworthy to have someone love me that much....and yet..be distant from that love...

maybe im just not thinking right because it's october... I'll figure it out sooner or later...but Im really emotional about this rightnow...

so im going to spend some time away..and see if I can think about this more and write again later.

night