all across the sky

there's a few songs on my ipod that I listen to repeatively.

Im too scared to write these words. im scared of the emotional turmoil that I am feeling, however I know this is where I come in desperate moments of needing to express these moments.

I've been forced to make some decisons that I'll have to stand by because Im trying to better myself in my life especially during this time. however as this being the first of october I feel like this huge thing of anger is rising up in me. I constantly wanna fight I want to do something to make the whole world angry with me.I dont know maybe I just want to hurt...

all's I am thinking about is how childish I am that I continously struggle with the death of my father. I hear the words of many people that WERE in my life that said let him go, get over it, or something stupid like that. then I turn and ask have you ever lost a loved one at a young age? but apparently it does not make a difference...because we have to let it go sometime.
Im in a stage in my life...that i feel like crying. I feel like giving up on everything I've worked so hard to get too.

There are people that I love and care for more then anything..and yet during this time they are just disappointing me.hurting me or just being so messed up with bull with me... I have explained to them continously that I can't deal with this kind of emotions or decisions right now. so instead Ive let them go. instead Im just dealing with me. because I know that this is my life an if I dont get through these things it will destruct me..It won't distruct those who may not be in my life much longer.. what I mean by that is that people come and go so much in my life.. that there words that pierce me..dont help me...
I give up so much for so many people...I go out of my way for others. but Im done now. Im done now because I realize how broken I am in my life...and how much if I dont get what i need soon then I'll fall apart and who knows what will happen from there..

a show comes to mind...it was about someone showing someone else how broken they were in their lives..how they shut everyone out and just...
it was a picture of a nice glass just regular cup...or glass...whole...
however then it was smashed to the ground...and the point is that I've allowed myself to be bottled up, fragile little me... broken...bleeding...everything about me is broken... and all's I want to do is cry...to be by myself...to deal with me...
If I can do this one thing then I would feel I could conquer more then the world...because I really want to survive my life..I want to make it...I dont want to continue cutting. I dont want to continue drinking..I dont want to continue to turning to things that hurt me and not help me...

I want to find that freedom that I've heard so much about..the release of truly letting someone go..not forgetting but not letting it ruin ones life every year on his death anniversary..

until then....Im staying where I am...Im making my decision that Im shutting myself off from the world that has made me feel enslaved to helping others...because right now its time for just me. I have my three people support system and its all I need right now...other then that... I've let everything everyone else go....I can't be disappointed..i can't be around people who have jerked me around..who have toyed with my mind..who have enslaved me to this thing that's done nothing but hurt me at the end of the night.
Im done with that...and I really hope that I'll stand through this..stand strong...and I really really hope that I can make it through this month and make it to the new world....to open my eyes to beauty of our world...

Im done being destructive..or being in relationships that have been destructive to me... Im done going outta my way for others...Im focusing on me...

im crying enough...being sad..broken...bruised..bleeding in my heart..enough with the fact it's my dad's month...that's more difficult then anything else...if the people that love me don't understand me in that way...then they have never really known me at all...

Good night