For the past week of my life all's I've thought about, talked about, or cried about was my father. missing him more and more as time goes on.
Today I talked to my cousin and I told him you know I don't remember any time in my life when my dad was alive did he ever yell at me, or hit me.
im not sure who told me this however someone told me when someone we love dies the memories of them being anything bad or anything like that deminish. my machinsm for loving and missing my dad so much is because he loved me so much and it showed alot. however those are the memories i have to carry with me. I have never remembered my father hurting me in anyway. someone told me that the reason that is, was because my mind like erased or stored away the true memories of my father....But I dont think that's true because everyone who had ever met my father would say what a great man he was...
I mean I remember him standing up for me...I remember him loving me...carrying me, taking care of me when I was sick...laughing with me....watching T.V. with me... or cooking for me, cleaning for me...
The only memory I have ever that I seen him cry...I dont even know why he was crying. I just know he was listenning to the Rolling Stones "Angie" song.I remember going to him but I don't remember saying anything to him or hugging him or anything. i just remember him sitting at our kitchen table crying....that was like the only time I ever remember him crying.. I dont know what that's all about.
I mean Im guessing it's the whole memory of my dad being my hero. I mean when I was in elementary the only person I ever wrote about being a hero was my father...he was there for me through so much..he really loved me.
I dont know if I'll ever really remember him the person he was...I'd rather just remember him as the person he was to me... I can't imagine if someone told me otherwise about him I dont think I'd believe them because he was my father. I remember the torture and pain I went through when he used to beg my mother to let him in the house.... only words we lived by in that time was "Tough Love" she believed it would help him. it did sorta... but I guess..nevermind...
Why is that I can remember all these great things about my father and yet nothing else? I can remember bits and pieces of the last couplemonths before he died. I can remember his drunken days, an drugs and stuff...I remember that...but yet even in those times my dad always loved me even in those times...how is that....how could a man choose those things and yet show that kind affection and love towards his daughter?
I really don't get that...Im getting worried that Im remembering a facade of what my father was and yet I've lived in this fantasy of the memory of my father being someone different.. no one will really know...and I can't talk to my mom about it because she doesn't like talking about it. other then that the only other person that knew my dad was my auntie...she was murdered.. other then that Im not sure who knew my dad...
could it really be possible that i've made up this idea of my dad? I dont think so... I dont think anyone could tell me different about my dad...I believe he loved me..he made it a goal of his to show us he loved us...I felt it and knew it everyday I was with him.
I mean I remember the day...my mom was able to bring us home after being in fostercare what seemed to be forever...and the first thing I asked when my mom took us to our new home.. was "where's my dad" and...we walked in the door and he turned his chair around...and he had the biggest smile on his face....he had never looked so great! he was clean. he was sober! he was my dad! even though I never got to see him that much, he was getting clean and sober at a treatment centre... he was really coming back to the living! he was a great man. no one could tell me different...i dont think i'd give them the time of day if someone even tried.
Im thinking alot...
I just know....that my dad loved me...and yet... and yet... why can't I remember anything bad about him? what is locked away in my mind that's prevented me from remembering everything? there's more to it....but my mind has played this defence machinsim for so long that im not sure I'll ever know....people tell me in time..it'll come back to me..Im terrifed of that you know? because it'll make me remember the good and the bad... cause these last nearly 13yrs all's I remember is the good...the greatness really....why would I want to remember the bad?
Im tired...thinking too much about this...
good night
No comments:
Post a Comment