loved back pt2

emotional turmoil demolished...as I gazed into a movie an realized from the movie that we don't always know the reasons for everything. not everything has a reason
the way I was feeling could've or more so was triggered but emotions I had read earlier on tonight.

the fear for me...is always being loved...I never was really sure that I loved..or could be loved. being a young child it was never really on my mind that I was loved. I knew I existed..but to be loved is to be something more great. to be cared for and loved....something more greater...

I realize now that this love...is more greater then anything I've ever felt and to doubt it is to be human for me. I mean to be me....to be real to be really vulnerable with someone else is a horrific time for me...its something I dont enjoy experiencing and it's also something that's freeing in some ways for me...
maybe it was the thought of losing that...rather then allowing myself to lavish in all the love that has been put to me.

I mean even if things may have changed in some ways...there are still moments in my life.. moments I will sit at a bus stop and remember those feelings..or remember that smile. it'smore amazing then anything...maybe things have changed..but maybe there is a time and a place to bring those things back up. because for nowmy life is a real mess and it gets worse daily..I mean there are those moments..the glistenings of hope but there is more burden for me in a day then joy.

it's my life...why do I have to doubt it>?

I was scared...more so scared at the idea that maybe my father never loved me. or even then maybe he didn't love me...and so when I allowed myself to think of those things that's when I doubted everything else. and realized that Im allowing myself to lose my mind in this idea that I know is a lie...
I could read it in his journal...the love he had for us...i can hear my father's voice as he wrote these thoughts in his journal...why would I doubt his love for me...
I probably doubted it because its hard....its hard to remember at times...the feeling of being loved...

yet when I allow myself to sit and think about it...there were those amazing times that I had with my father...and in those ways were the ways he had shown me he loved me...
everyone has that whole love ways....I can't remember what they were...but everyone has a way of showing others their love....and in this way

the way my love shows me their love...is different..and it might at times make me feel second best however when I am loved it makes me feel like I am the best!

I dont doubt it anymore...

I just allowed myself to doubt myself. I allowed my mind to wonder into this world because it's never been real true for me before..

its strange how at times we doubt those things...unless it's only me...and even then you'd be lying if you said you never doubted it...

I dont know...I just am glad that I had time to think about it...and realize my conclusion

my conclusion is...

I've never been loved like this before...and the feeling is always changing for the better..it grows deeper then my soul... if that makes any sense...

I just am glad to be loved.

it's an amazing thing..

night