no words

there are hardly any words to say with anguish I am feeling. I did not recieve the best news today it actually hurt me more then anything could.

I realize now how foolish I've been.

I finally recieved an e-mail back from my friend and it helped me through today.

Im scared of what more pain I can feel as this month continues on and the daily idea of the pain I will continue to feel with each passing day.

It feels like the sun will night shine on me. all's I feel is the coldness of each day. I've never felt so foolish....

I can sit and sob with the pain I feel...there are no words to speak as a love so deep has gone from my life. all's I thought about is how can I get this back...realizing that maybe that time has passed...maybe it was too late so long ago...

it reminded me of the idea of the letting go...each day as I awake and walk out my door leaves fallen from trees..my greatest reminder of needing to let things go....I grasp so hard to that love and never want it to be gone...and realize it slipped right through my hands and I not sure if it'll ever come back.

what have I done..how could I do this...

as I read the words....my heart was pierced with so much anguish and pain....I cried a river today because I realize how foolish I am...

I sat in my room door locked....and thought....i could do this right here and now...cut so deep that I bleed to death....my heart felt so burdened with the foolish words I said...
instead I remembered the words I said...I didn't want to cut anymore...I love people so much an the pain of me taking pain on myself....is not something I want others to feel...
so instead I put my blades where my heart would feel safe....this place that is so real. this love that was real....I put my blades in that place because I realize its not my time...
although the pain is real and I feel burdened...it's not my time...

I dont want to act foolish that way...I put my blades away where I cannot go...however they still stay with me..just not as close to me because I dont want to make myself hurt that way.. why would I do something so foolish like that...even if the pain is so great that this one thing would take it away....I dont want to do it...so I put it away....

I allowed myself to feel the pain...of today...I cried myself back to sleep....I awoke...and still felt the burden and pain....I threw myself into my work today...it was hard..it's hard to let go of something so great.

I just hope that...no matter what...I will live today..

the thoughts of my father have outweighed any other pain....nothing is more painful then that. I lie in bed....questioning my father..did he really love me...how could anyone love me..I thank God for my sweet friend who reassured me that he did love me...and although he made poor decisions his love for me was real...just as anyone would love me...

I miss him so much...I wish I could be with him here and now...to cry in his arms and tell him everything in my heart...to be there sitting with him as he holds me...and just tells me he loves me...

I need that now more then ever....this love seemed gone forever...

no one will understand this pain I feel today...this pain...I can't describe it...there are no words to tell you....how painful it's been for me...
how could I be so foolish...so selfish...

what do I do now? where do I go from here...because Im losing my mind...I feel burdened.. I can't sleep..I can't eat...Im feeling like fading away...I can't believe I can be so foolish as to let that love go...

Im scared....Im scared...because I don't know now how I'll get through this...how will I get through this...and will this time ever end....

im sad....im sad...how can i be so foolish....


I miss my dad...I wish that he could tell me how Im going to get through this.....

no one will understand the pain of today...no one will understand how much i loved my dad...

I need him more then ever...

my heart feels like it's been torn and broken to bits and pieces...and it's never hurt so bad...i wish that I could get through this...I wish that I could just once turn back time..and make this alright.

how ...
why...
I wish...

I will love you forever