being the man

such a wierd title...however living in my shoes makes you be able to understand what Im talking about..

Since I was ten years old I've been taking care of my brothers and sisters and being there and helping them through diffiult times..and lovin them with a real love or what I had learned of what love was from the church.
I've faced some difficult times in my life on my own...with my addictions and emotional times.

Now I feel like an idiot nothin could compare to that...
I found out tonight that my mom is having some finanical problems and here I am taking money from here when I had $18 dollars in my account.. now I realize that you know what i can't do this anymore.
I been going around with money in my pocket...getting piercings and waiting for my next tattoo. realizing now that I can't do that...

how can I do something like that when I have finacial problems at home? I mean seriously I have used this computer an watched T.V. and talked on the phone so much that I should be helping pay for that...although I might feel that im not making enough money but I have to do this..

I am the man of the house....the father of the house..what I say goes...so what goes now is that Im going to start helping my mom pay off her phone bills and all that and even though I wanted more clothes and my tattoo...I realize that there are things right now more important then that. so I hope that I'll be able to do that....this has been too much enough as is.

it made my stomach clench when I realized that I haven't helped my mom at all and then now I dont know..I have to make some phone calls in the morning and try and get to give my mom an extra $50 bucks for the month or at least till my next cheque. Im sad that i wont be able to do what i want too..however I realize even though I have all my responsibilities...I also live in her house.

it's frustrating..

however im extremely tired. Im going to bed...and hope that i sleep well even though I feel the way that I do...

Good night