Saturday, September 27, 2008

missing you

December 25.1994 merry christmas

could not get up this morning stayed awake long hours through last night watching T.V.
This morning thelma was taking pictures of us sleeping on christmas day, where as we should have been opening presents.
it was very nice watching our children opening thier presents, never had such a happy feeling in such a long time feels good to be back to the living again.
the best present I got was having my son Jeffrey for four hours, I was so happy to hold him after this long wait!
Thelma was taking pictures this is the best day of my life to have my family together, and being sober and clean from the first time in a long time.
Only happiness belongs here today if only I could be like that everyday
another 24 hours
(written by my father Wilson M.Murdock
March 18.1962-October 26.1995)
R.I.P Daddy
im in a very emotional mode at the moment. Im sitting here trying to figure out what my father would do if he found my brother drinking tonight. cause my brother left about four hours ago and we haven't heard from him yet, when he did come back he was already under the influence.
everyday time he drinks he blames it on me... he tells me it's my fault for his drinking..thank God I have a great counselor and amazing friends who tell me that he just needs someone to blame, he is afraid to take the responsibility of his actions.
Every time though... I just want to beat him up. I want him to just see how much emotional turmoil Im forced to be put through because he's being like that. I mean I can't blame him..however he's kept EVERYTHING so bottled up no one ever knows whats going on with him, and the only way I find out is by him being under the influence yelling at me for no reason...
my brother had an accident last friday...he hit me in the face and I now have a fractured nose for the next few weeks..not the funnest times in my life.. I've never been hit before in my anyone in my family or even just like that. and so Im trying to hide that from him and tell him that I've been hit...although honestly never had a broken bone...sprained yes...but broken no! so now for him.. he's in this huge guilt trip of me being all fractured...and it's just my nose.
when he did it...after he did it...last friday..he tried to end his life because I dont even know...
its more like....a child hitting his/her parent... I guess my brother has always looked up to me as a parent more then a sister, I guess my fault too well not really I've been taking care of randy since he was born...we've been through some very difficult times in our lives....
so either brother is on this guilt trip of my nose being fractured.. I even took off the tape from my nose because I didn't want to remind him of it everytime he had seen me.. my cousin told me to make him feel guilty and then force him to go into counselling...I talked to him the other day and asked him if he would go and he said he would.. so I going to help him make those appointments..and then let him go from there..I mean I know for me counselling has helped me.. and it's been awesome...although i have seen my counselor less and less...only because of wierd sicknesses or just not wanting to go... when I do's always better..and I want my brother to have that...
I mean my brother tells me there are SO MANY things he is not telling me...some times at moments bits and pieces slip out...but I try and not say anything or do anything...
I just wish...that my dad could be here...I wish that he could be here and grab his son and just hold him...take care of him...and help him... because I honestly can't help my brother...I can be here for him to talk too...
But I can't help him...Im trying to straighten out my own life..that in itself is taking up everything..because I just quit drinking so much was two weeks before I had a drink...and then I had a couple at a social legion. but other then that...I mean I just want my dad to come back and love him. take care of him, help him through these difficult timess. anything...I just can't do it...
he just walked in the door... I hope he stays in because I have to go to sleep.. I need to be up in about 5 hours..
Im heading out to see my uncle Henry... it was his birthday on the 23 of Sept. and we are celebrating it today and I really really want to be there.. if there has been anyone that's loved me's my uncle's... no matter what I tell them I've done, am doing...they lavish great love and encouragement on me and it always makes me feel great...I am their favorite niece...and I always have been.. they are both so proud of me...I love them so much! I can't wait to spend the day with my family!
that's the highlight of me...because I love my uncles alot...Im glad to celebrate my uncles' life..he is a great man!
Good night
thanks for listenning

No comments: