It's supposed to be a new day. iit's so supposed to be almost Friday! a happy day!
Why don't I feel that way today?
I feel like there's this itch in me that just wants to sit and sob for hours. a great sorrow in my heart and it's rising up each second of my life. Im scared of what I will do with this kind of pain.
Do I tell why these feelings are there? do I even know?
Yesterday is a historical day in my life...because yesterday I broke up with someone. someone I loved and cared for... now...you ask why would I do something like that? i didn't feel i was being true to my heart. Even though I love this person a lot. it's not as much as I love someone else. yet this other person is thousands of miles away and I've not spoken to him in a long time. I went through a week of thinking about him, considering leaving Vancouver again... and yet in all that time I did not think of my love here... I broke up with my love here because I realize as much as I want to be all in with my love here...Im not... sadly a piece of me still hopes and dreams of one day seeing the love in Ontario. That's so terrible though. but I was so lost in that you know? I don't even know why I won't let that go...maybe I just am the worst person to let things go..but I knew I had to be true to myself and my love here..I couldn't continue tagging along in a relationship I was no longer fully committed too..it made me sad but I felt that it was a betrayl to them..and I couldn't stand hurting them that way any longer.
Now is that why I am emotional?
Or is it because...Last night I came home and for the first time in years...my auntie Vivian came to visit...but under the circumstances it seems to crush my spirit more then make me happy. My auntie Vivian is a drug user and Im not sure what else...I've been home since about 11pm yesterday and all's she has done is sleep. and yet the only thing that comes to my mind is what is she going to do.
If not that then Im thinking about the memories the things I NEVER wanted to think about.. the facts....My dad died of a drug overdose. he died..he's dead. gone forever.dead...DEAD... from his addictions....My auntie Jackie...DIED two years after my dad... she was murdered but yet guess why? she chose to get into a car with someone who she was going to do prostitution with and he promised drugs, alchol and parties..and guess what SHE DIED! she was murdered.
If not that two years ago maybe longer my grandfather died he died of a heartache. or illness.. not sure.
YET this tops it all off... my uncle Anthony..my favorite uncle in the entire world or at least on my dad's side of the family...this man...you know how great he was? A couple years after my dad died guess who came to visit us? the only person that came was my uncle Anthony! He looked so much like my dad. he was an amazing man... but guess what! His depression.. his drugs and alcohol got to him too...he hung himself..HE DIED! he's gone! forever!
All these people....all these people ALL these people are on my dad's side of the family. all these people are the people my dad was close too! THe only way I could have ever known more about my dad they are all gone!
Now we have an aunt that I never heard about....Okay I have I probably seen her at the funeral but I wasn't really paying attention to relatives as I watched my dad be dead in a coffin..
can I say this?
Just this once...
I hate those who are addicted! I hate them...
Why you say? why do I hate them?
I know they didn't choose that life..believe me I know that with every piece of my fucking heart.
however.. watching someone go into an addiciton like that.... fade away.. become numb to the world. to those they once loved... becoming zombies in the world...yearning desiring drugs and only drugs.
To once have faith in these people...to love them cherish them. to look up to them and have them screw up their damn life!
It makes every part of me really fucking angry..
you know why?
I have no sympathy for them anymore! When I was a teenager I used to help them. I used to bring them clothes. I used to be home all day making my sooup and bannock and praying for them and all that... I used to be a look out for my sister. I used to see my dad down there.. and you wonder...you wonder!
I have watched these vicious poision enevelope all those people that I love and care for. and it tears me to bones. it makes me wanna scream from every damn place and hurt all those who do that shit, all those who sell that stuff...
I hate that in this one area this one place. I feel like people that I love and care for with those addictions. they are my kryptonite. they are my weakness.. they are the ones that can truly kill me and it tears me to pieces...
Its so hard for me to watch all those I loved and cared for go down this death road...not being able to save them. not able to bring them back to life. not being able to cure them.. they bring out the worst in me...ESPECIALLY if one of them is here in my house under my roof.... why for? because my mom....is afraid of tough love. she doesn't want to turn them away... she's scared that a repeat would happen with what happened to my father.
It does indeed bring out the worst in me..
I wish that I could be somewhere other then here tonight....
It hurts me too much to see all this...and
even though
even though
I want to put on this "I don't care" atitude... deep down it feels like it's eating me away. I feel emotional.....
so now in the end...what is it? why am I emotional...............................................
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
this past week
So it's been just over a week. I would've liked to write through these past few days however our computer is down and so we were trying to fix it but had no success.
I think it was on Tuesday I had counselling this past week. it's hard to think of what had happened that week. But Im guessing it had to do with counselling I had been upset about some things that were mentioned or whatever. I realize the only reason I was upset was because of what I would lose if I had decided to do the things that were mentioned or a food for thought. I didn't want to even imagine what it would be like if I had considered it. I actually was really upset I was at work and fighting back tears...it's one of those food for thought that you would wish would just leave your mind..however they don't..and your mind races through the what if's the could haves...or all that. was not one of my fond moments in life.
It had nothing really to do with my counselor..she just wants to see my make it. or see me succeed. however the topic was too touchy for me and I wanted to shut down and I probably did.
I cancelled all opportunity for a future appointment for the rest of the week. and even for this week. I didn't want to talk about what had happened the previous week...however now it's kind of changed...I mean the things I thought I'd lose if I made decisions like that...it seems I've lost them already...maybe all in a frenzy of pushing me to this point..
This past weekend...was my father's 13yr death anniversary. Every thing in me wanted to get wasted..drink my sorrows away.. But I didn't.. I spent time wtih my cousin...my only cousin that's been there for me for so many years. I stayed with him. talked to him..cried with him. he has helped pull me through this anniversary.
I didn't drink on Friday or Saturday. I think I just stayed home hung out and went to bed early. I didn't really talk to anyone because I wasn't up for anything like that...
The sunday seemed more dreadful then I thought it would be...
I woke up and my heart began to sink. the realization that I was able to wakeup on a day like today. I couldn't imagine getting outta bed because my heart was crying....sobbing in tears. I couldnt survive today. Thankfully my cousin knew that...it was like he knew that this would be the day I'd fall apart.
His girlfriend, me and him decided that today we would honor my father. I had remembered what my counselor had said about going somewhere that made me happy, that my father had taken me. the only place that I could remember...was this one place and Im not even sure why I was there..or why it made me so happy.. but I only knew of oneplace... and that was "the lost lagoon" at Stanley Park..... when I was a kid my dad used to take me there and Im not sure why but I knew that it made me happy.
So off we went... on Sunday evening. we travelled downtown...to Stanley Park. The best part of it was there was not a cloud in the sky. all we seen were the beautiful stars in the sky...
We got to Lost Lagoon. and sat for a bit just chilling...thoughts in my mind ran me through all the memories I could get into...about my father..none bad...just the happy ones...
then we were off to find some bark or something to put our candles on to put into the water. it was a very intreresting fun experience. we got back...and we all rested....as we lit our candles and set the bark into the water... we sat listenning to my dad's favorite musie "the rolling stones" and I just looked up at the sky...and allowed my mind to wonder into the memories of my father. the happy thoughts.the hugs..the love. the everything that was good. and a began to smile... because it was then that I knew that I knew that my dad did love me.
we sat there for about an hour...just watching our little bark thingy float away....
we left...and it was just an amazing experience..to have the two people that love me the most. more then anyone has ever loved me..to be there for me...to help me thruogh that...and have them there...it just made me realize all that I needed to know...I was so glad to have these two in my life....
we stopped and had a snack before we headed back home. I bought two pounds of wings to share. and it was awesome. I had one drink..I was so glad that I did too because the wings were really hot...I loved it... I was glad to be with them....took 120 photos...I was really glad they would share this experience with me.
the following day...Monday is the day on our "In loving memory" thingys it says he died on the 27 although I knew it was the day before. i took the day off work...rested and just thought about calling my grandma.
that evening Bob called and I asked him to take me to that church he had talked about to light a candle for my dad.. it didn't work out and I ended up going and drinking. I only had about four drinks because it was not my plan to drink. or to get drunk it was not what I wanted. I didn't get drunk. thankfully.. I got home...and that was it......
It's been in these past few days that I've realizzed...that Im done with that life.. I dont want to do those things and I dont want to live that kind of life anymore. I dont want those kinds of people in my life anymore.
This was one of the first anniversaries I didn't go and get wasted. I didn't cry about my dad. I just honoured him. and said a prayer for him. an although I drank on the Monday. I didn't get durnk. but I realized that the life he lived...he wouldn't want me to live that kind of life either.
the only way for that to begin is to let go....
here's my favorite phrase "LET GO"
Of all those people who influence me in that life. people who want me to drink...people who want me to waste my life away. It's not for me.
I have a commitment to my family. I have a responsibility to my bills. and I have every reason in my life to be happy. to enjoy life without the influence of alcohol in my life.
it seems so strange for someone like me to be saying something like that but I just realize more and more the choices I have made in the past have destroyed my mind. my memory. I mean I remember the things I did under the influence and I remember the pain others caused me. I remember the pain that I caused me.
either way. I am totally done with that kind of life and Im ready to move on.
"MOVE ON"
with my life
This was a great experience for me...
Im glad more so that my cousin was there for me...and I hope I can help him whenever he needs my help...
ttyl
I think it was on Tuesday I had counselling this past week. it's hard to think of what had happened that week. But Im guessing it had to do with counselling I had been upset about some things that were mentioned or whatever. I realize the only reason I was upset was because of what I would lose if I had decided to do the things that were mentioned or a food for thought. I didn't want to even imagine what it would be like if I had considered it. I actually was really upset I was at work and fighting back tears...it's one of those food for thought that you would wish would just leave your mind..however they don't..and your mind races through the what if's the could haves...or all that. was not one of my fond moments in life.
It had nothing really to do with my counselor..she just wants to see my make it. or see me succeed. however the topic was too touchy for me and I wanted to shut down and I probably did.
I cancelled all opportunity for a future appointment for the rest of the week. and even for this week. I didn't want to talk about what had happened the previous week...however now it's kind of changed...I mean the things I thought I'd lose if I made decisions like that...it seems I've lost them already...maybe all in a frenzy of pushing me to this point..
This past weekend...was my father's 13yr death anniversary. Every thing in me wanted to get wasted..drink my sorrows away.. But I didn't.. I spent time wtih my cousin...my only cousin that's been there for me for so many years. I stayed with him. talked to him..cried with him. he has helped pull me through this anniversary.
I didn't drink on Friday or Saturday. I think I just stayed home hung out and went to bed early. I didn't really talk to anyone because I wasn't up for anything like that...
The sunday seemed more dreadful then I thought it would be...
I woke up and my heart began to sink. the realization that I was able to wakeup on a day like today. I couldn't imagine getting outta bed because my heart was crying....sobbing in tears. I couldnt survive today. Thankfully my cousin knew that...it was like he knew that this would be the day I'd fall apart.
His girlfriend, me and him decided that today we would honor my father. I had remembered what my counselor had said about going somewhere that made me happy, that my father had taken me. the only place that I could remember...was this one place and Im not even sure why I was there..or why it made me so happy.. but I only knew of oneplace... and that was "the lost lagoon" at Stanley Park..... when I was a kid my dad used to take me there and Im not sure why but I knew that it made me happy.
So off we went... on Sunday evening. we travelled downtown...to Stanley Park. The best part of it was there was not a cloud in the sky. all we seen were the beautiful stars in the sky...
We got to Lost Lagoon. and sat for a bit just chilling...thoughts in my mind ran me through all the memories I could get into...about my father..none bad...just the happy ones...
then we were off to find some bark or something to put our candles on to put into the water. it was a very intreresting fun experience. we got back...and we all rested....as we lit our candles and set the bark into the water... we sat listenning to my dad's favorite musie "the rolling stones" and I just looked up at the sky...and allowed my mind to wonder into the memories of my father. the happy thoughts.the hugs..the love. the everything that was good. and a began to smile... because it was then that I knew that I knew that my dad did love me.
we sat there for about an hour...just watching our little bark thingy float away....
we left...and it was just an amazing experience..to have the two people that love me the most. more then anyone has ever loved me..to be there for me...to help me thruogh that...and have them there...it just made me realize all that I needed to know...I was so glad to have these two in my life....
we stopped and had a snack before we headed back home. I bought two pounds of wings to share. and it was awesome. I had one drink..I was so glad that I did too because the wings were really hot...I loved it... I was glad to be with them....took 120 photos...I was really glad they would share this experience with me.
the following day...Monday is the day on our "In loving memory" thingys it says he died on the 27 although I knew it was the day before. i took the day off work...rested and just thought about calling my grandma.
that evening Bob called and I asked him to take me to that church he had talked about to light a candle for my dad.. it didn't work out and I ended up going and drinking. I only had about four drinks because it was not my plan to drink. or to get drunk it was not what I wanted. I didn't get drunk. thankfully.. I got home...and that was it......
It's been in these past few days that I've realizzed...that Im done with that life.. I dont want to do those things and I dont want to live that kind of life anymore. I dont want those kinds of people in my life anymore.
This was one of the first anniversaries I didn't go and get wasted. I didn't cry about my dad. I just honoured him. and said a prayer for him. an although I drank on the Monday. I didn't get durnk. but I realized that the life he lived...he wouldn't want me to live that kind of life either.
the only way for that to begin is to let go....
here's my favorite phrase "LET GO"
Of all those people who influence me in that life. people who want me to drink...people who want me to waste my life away. It's not for me.
I have a commitment to my family. I have a responsibility to my bills. and I have every reason in my life to be happy. to enjoy life without the influence of alcohol in my life.
it seems so strange for someone like me to be saying something like that but I just realize more and more the choices I have made in the past have destroyed my mind. my memory. I mean I remember the things I did under the influence and I remember the pain others caused me. I remember the pain that I caused me.
either way. I am totally done with that kind of life and Im ready to move on.
"MOVE ON"
with my life
This was a great experience for me...
Im glad more so that my cousin was there for me...and I hope I can help him whenever he needs my help...
ttyl
Monday, October 20, 2008
worth it
I spent the day resting and thinking a lot of thinking.
Is it ok if Im completely lost in these thoughts of these current situations?
I mean to have someone care about me..someone I consider to be my sister to end up like that is really scary. what I mean by that is to have her really want to hurt me what was it? what was it really? is there something that Im not seeing or is this just the end of things?
I dont even know where to begin or what to say or how to say it or what to do.
I mean really really I feel really sad that I've lost my one friend. someone that I have looked out for and really been there for. to have her want to hurt me that way for what reason? nothing more then love? I want to call her I want to talk to her but Im not going to. what's the point. the point is that I want to know what's going on.
my heart aches for the decisions that have been made...for the things that have been said. and yet all under the influence of alcohol..
If not that...I am waking up early tomorrow to deal wtih a couple things I really need to start doing the things that I am responsibile for..one of those things is my bank. I have to talk to them before Friday or they are going to garnish my wages and that's the last thing I need right now because winter is coming and I have one pair of shoes that are starting to rip apart. if not that then I also have a cell phone that's just sitting on no access. I mean I can't use it anymore. it's useless to me.
I have to figure out what the bank wants becaues if they want their $93 dollars on Friday no problem. I've worked for the last three weeks straight some overtime so I should get a good cheque and the last thing I need is to see it all go away.because of this bank. Im told i've got some options with that. and I dont want to look at those things. I just need to find the time to make a chart of important things Ineed to pay.
If not that I have counselling coming up and Im not looking forward to it.. thankfully we will be able to stay away from topics I don't want to talk about...I mean I've been doing pretty good for it being October and all.
My main support system is my cousin and his girlfriend and my counselor. that's it. there was someone else but I guess they are being caged up or something. it's ok because I wouldn't be able to say the things I say to my cousin and his girlfriend...I mean it's easier with them becaues Im more vulnerable with them and Im able to fall apart.able to talk with them. have them come to me if I needed it or something. I mean it's a good thing for me.
Do I have every right to be sad?
I mean really....when we think about it... my old best friend, my sister... someone I really cared for has turned on me... for what reason? becaues I love someone...cherish someone.. and everything... I dont know what to do with that. because I dont get this situation at all.. but even then I still care.
well I finally decided what I should do and I made the right decision. i called my sister to talk to her about the whole thing regardless.
She doesn't remember anything. so we are working things out to the best our ability.
I mean I can't let this go and stuff..
well I have to go because Im still on the phone...
probably write again later or tomorrow.
good night
Is it ok if Im completely lost in these thoughts of these current situations?
I mean to have someone care about me..someone I consider to be my sister to end up like that is really scary. what I mean by that is to have her really want to hurt me what was it? what was it really? is there something that Im not seeing or is this just the end of things?
I dont even know where to begin or what to say or how to say it or what to do.
I mean really really I feel really sad that I've lost my one friend. someone that I have looked out for and really been there for. to have her want to hurt me that way for what reason? nothing more then love? I want to call her I want to talk to her but Im not going to. what's the point. the point is that I want to know what's going on.
my heart aches for the decisions that have been made...for the things that have been said. and yet all under the influence of alcohol..
If not that...I am waking up early tomorrow to deal wtih a couple things I really need to start doing the things that I am responsibile for..one of those things is my bank. I have to talk to them before Friday or they are going to garnish my wages and that's the last thing I need right now because winter is coming and I have one pair of shoes that are starting to rip apart. if not that then I also have a cell phone that's just sitting on no access. I mean I can't use it anymore. it's useless to me.
I have to figure out what the bank wants becaues if they want their $93 dollars on Friday no problem. I've worked for the last three weeks straight some overtime so I should get a good cheque and the last thing I need is to see it all go away.because of this bank. Im told i've got some options with that. and I dont want to look at those things. I just need to find the time to make a chart of important things Ineed to pay.
If not that I have counselling coming up and Im not looking forward to it.. thankfully we will be able to stay away from topics I don't want to talk about...I mean I've been doing pretty good for it being October and all.
My main support system is my cousin and his girlfriend and my counselor. that's it. there was someone else but I guess they are being caged up or something. it's ok because I wouldn't be able to say the things I say to my cousin and his girlfriend...I mean it's easier with them becaues Im more vulnerable with them and Im able to fall apart.able to talk with them. have them come to me if I needed it or something. I mean it's a good thing for me.
Do I have every right to be sad?
I mean really....when we think about it... my old best friend, my sister... someone I really cared for has turned on me... for what reason? becaues I love someone...cherish someone.. and everything... I dont know what to do with that. because I dont get this situation at all.. but even then I still care.
well I finally decided what I should do and I made the right decision. i called my sister to talk to her about the whole thing regardless.
She doesn't remember anything. so we are working things out to the best our ability.
I mean I can't let this go and stuff..
well I have to go because Im still on the phone...
probably write again later or tomorrow.
good night
missing him
Im told that it's a good thing that I've not allowed myself to get rattled up in my emotions about my father's death anniversary coming up. I was just thinking about this justnow and maybe Im crazy but Im going to say this either way...maybe I put myself in that place because I'll miss him and remember him more. and then if Im not thinking about him then Im feeling like Im not missing him. so when I get all upset about october its because im scared I won't miss him, or maybe even one day forget him. so once a year I put myself in this mode of remembering him more and more..
I dont know. I just listenning to some oldies... more like "the rolling stones" one of my dad's favorite bands...and yet I don't remember them you know? I mean I never heard this type of music often. it's hard to remember those sorts of details.
I can still remember though.. I remember.. the way his hand felt in mine. I remember riding on his shoulders. I remember laughing with him. I remember how much I cherished him. I remember how much I loved him...and when he was away from me I always felt like there was a part of me that was not all there... then when I say that then I remember thenights that we sat there in our living room just looking at him..crying..screaming...crying... asking me or my mom to let him in the house...my mom would cry too adn tell me this was tough love and we had to make him learn...but I remember my heart breaking every moment that I seen him. every moment I forced to leave that door locked. I can still picture those terrible nights that he spent outside our house..like a dog sitting in our back yard crying...wanting to come inside.
I remember the nights that we watched the hockey games...or startrek or whatever that was. I remember his orange couch and how much he loved it..an how much I loved sitting with him in that chair..
remembering the nights I was sick and he would tap on the window after my mom went to bed and how I let him in...and how he would care for me while I was sick.
Then people are asking me to remember the good times of my father... those are more difficult.. I remember when Jeffrey was born. my dad and I were at the house...and all's I thought about was my dad and how much I needed to be wtih my mom. I slept with her jacket over me becaues I was that sad that she was gone..I was worried about her. so the next morning my dad woke me up and then he took me on our long walk to the hospital..
now this is where I get mixed up because I don't remember Randy being there...I dont get why that is...my only guess is maybe I got Randy'sbirth and Jeffrey's birth mixed up... but either way it was one of them..and on our walk from Renfrew and Grandview hwy we walked to BC women's hospital...we made it just a little way...and I sat at a bus stop and I wanted to say my feet are tired...to my dad...and instead I said "Daddy foot tired" how long was I bothered with that after that? years and years..and even then I could say it tomy older sister and she'd still laugh at me for that...
another happy moment. when my dad used to take me to lost logoon...Im notsure why he took me there...that's what Im trying to figure out...but we used to go to Stanley park and although I hardly remember those times...I remember that I was glad tobe with him at those times..so maybe it was happy times...
I dont get this thingabout not remembering anything..I hate the my mind has surpressed those thoughts and feelings...
it's annoying because I wonder if I'd ever get those back...but maybe because of all thebad times I blocked out everything...sometimes I wish I could just block out everything in my life..
Just stop feeling. stop caring...stop giving. stop everything because it hurts too much...
I dont know what's going on. I dont know where to begin to even start...
I got into an arugment which turned into a near fight with someone.... this someone is someone I cherished for a lot of my years. someone that tried to die with me one day. someone I had taken care of for the longest time. to have this situation break down the way it has..it hurts. it hurts.
all because of love...
I admitted that I love someone...someone more then life itself. someone I cherish and admire with every part of me. adn then tohave this situation just crush everything. I mean this person this friend...crushed me with this argument. this situation because Im not even sure where to begin..I just feel like im losing my mind.
I dont know...
I dont know what to do because...it feels like Im losing everything right now...yet I've gained the best people in my life and that's Trevor and Krissy. these people are there for me in the worst moments..and they are always a phone call away. they have helped me through so much.. and given me right advice and loved me. let me be vulnerable or angry or anything.
Im so not sure of anything.
I dont know. I just listenning to some oldies... more like "the rolling stones" one of my dad's favorite bands...and yet I don't remember them you know? I mean I never heard this type of music often. it's hard to remember those sorts of details.
I can still remember though.. I remember.. the way his hand felt in mine. I remember riding on his shoulders. I remember laughing with him. I remember how much I cherished him. I remember how much I loved him...and when he was away from me I always felt like there was a part of me that was not all there... then when I say that then I remember thenights that we sat there in our living room just looking at him..crying..screaming...crying... asking me or my mom to let him in the house...my mom would cry too adn tell me this was tough love and we had to make him learn...but I remember my heart breaking every moment that I seen him. every moment I forced to leave that door locked. I can still picture those terrible nights that he spent outside our house..like a dog sitting in our back yard crying...wanting to come inside.
I remember the nights that we watched the hockey games...or startrek or whatever that was. I remember his orange couch and how much he loved it..an how much I loved sitting with him in that chair..
remembering the nights I was sick and he would tap on the window after my mom went to bed and how I let him in...and how he would care for me while I was sick.
Then people are asking me to remember the good times of my father... those are more difficult.. I remember when Jeffrey was born. my dad and I were at the house...and all's I thought about was my dad and how much I needed to be wtih my mom. I slept with her jacket over me becaues I was that sad that she was gone..I was worried about her. so the next morning my dad woke me up and then he took me on our long walk to the hospital..
now this is where I get mixed up because I don't remember Randy being there...I dont get why that is...my only guess is maybe I got Randy'sbirth and Jeffrey's birth mixed up... but either way it was one of them..and on our walk from Renfrew and Grandview hwy we walked to BC women's hospital...we made it just a little way...and I sat at a bus stop and I wanted to say my feet are tired...to my dad...and instead I said "Daddy foot tired" how long was I bothered with that after that? years and years..and even then I could say it tomy older sister and she'd still laugh at me for that...
another happy moment. when my dad used to take me to lost logoon...Im notsure why he took me there...that's what Im trying to figure out...but we used to go to Stanley park and although I hardly remember those times...I remember that I was glad tobe with him at those times..so maybe it was happy times...
I dont get this thingabout not remembering anything..I hate the my mind has surpressed those thoughts and feelings...
it's annoying because I wonder if I'd ever get those back...but maybe because of all thebad times I blocked out everything...sometimes I wish I could just block out everything in my life..
Just stop feeling. stop caring...stop giving. stop everything because it hurts too much...
I dont know what's going on. I dont know where to begin to even start...
I got into an arugment which turned into a near fight with someone.... this someone is someone I cherished for a lot of my years. someone that tried to die with me one day. someone I had taken care of for the longest time. to have this situation break down the way it has..it hurts. it hurts.
all because of love...
I admitted that I love someone...someone more then life itself. someone I cherish and admire with every part of me. adn then tohave this situation just crush everything. I mean this person this friend...crushed me with this argument. this situation because Im not even sure where to begin..I just feel like im losing my mind.
I dont know...
I dont know what to do because...it feels like Im losing everything right now...yet I've gained the best people in my life and that's Trevor and Krissy. these people are there for me in the worst moments..and they are always a phone call away. they have helped me through so much.. and given me right advice and loved me. let me be vulnerable or angry or anything.
Im so not sure of anything.
Friday, October 17, 2008
letting him go
I believe it was about a year ago maybe more Im not too sure. I met someone that I loved talking too, loved hanging out with. I am sure I spent one of my dad's anniversary's maybe last years anniversary with him. we would walk the streets, talking, chilling and enjoying life. enjoying our times together. I think it was when I found out he felt the same way about me that changed alot in me. I had never felt so comfortable with anyone, someone I cherished more then ever. We talked. hung out and everything. he respected me more then anyone ever has. and he was always just a great man.
I moved to Vancouver..
It was in November of last year....he said this to me.
he said as he saw me off at the bus station as I headed to Belleville to visit a friend. he said "I feel like Im never going to see you again"
my heart skipped a beat. and I didn't believe that. I mean I knew I'd see him it was only two weeks and I'd do everything I could to conact him when I returned.
however that two weeks I believe turned into three. and then two days after I returned I was in Vancouver for about a month or so. and then I went back to Ontario for all of three days. before permanitely moving back to Vancouver.
there was not a day that went by that I didn't call him and talk to him. write to him. wish for him. everything just because he was one of my favorite people. someone I pictured myself one day ending up with. someone I really loved. I remember the feelings I got when I seen him. I remember the feelings of me when he'd brush my hair from my face. or when he'd hold my hand. he was truly an amazing man someone that I loved adn still love very much.
I have forced myself to forget about him. because we are miles apart and he cant leave Ontario and so the only way this would all work out is if I moved back. and I feel obligated to be in vancouver.
It's so painful to think of him. however tonight as I played some cards. it brought him up. I thought about him as I have these past few days. because I truly care for him and miss him greatly. Just before I left to come back to vancouver. I bought him a Christmas present. it was a toque that I found at Old Navy....just before I left for the bus when he dropped me off.. he said that he should wear a touque because hats don't suite him..I agreed because we tried it out. and I knew that this touqe was perfect...I never got it to him. and I ended up wearing it while being here in vancouver. it took about a month or two before I let anyone else wear it. because I knew it belonged to him...and I had strongly hoped that one day I'd see him and give him his gift.
my heart aches...because I haven't allowed myself to think of him in so long..that now that I do. it makes me sad it makes me miss him so much. I mean my cousin Trevor even talked to him. told him to come to Vancouver..come and be with me because he made me so happy.
I think part of the reason things sorta changed between him adn I...was because of my drinking becaues I started going down that road. and did it really badly..I got the overdue visa payments and all that to prove it.
how can it be?
How can I love him this much....spend the last I think seven months or less making myself forget him... is it because there is someone else in my life? and even if there is it doesn't change the way I feel about him. I mean Ontario is far away and Im not going back to live there... but my heart a piece of me will always be there because of him... however I said I'd let that go. and I did. but lately it's all that has come to my mind...it's put my heart at rest because of the emotions that I've been thinking about.
I mean when I was with him....it wasn't about the affection that he showed me. it wasn't about his hand in mine....it didn't matter where we went or what we did. he made me feel something more amazing then I had ever felt. we could sit on the edge of the curb for hours just admiring each other. enjoying the nights of the stars. we could find beauty in all kinds of weather. we had the same likes and dislikes. he showed me things that I'd not seen before...he made me feel something...it's just so crazy...
yet..
yet..
yet.........
Here I am. on a Friday early morning.... thinking about him..wishing that I could talk to him. hear his voice..see his face.. see him smile...I want him to come to vancouver. I want to show him the beauties of our citiy here...I mean it's more amazing then there..because we have so much more and I know it more...
why do I miss him so much right now? what is it that has brought this up?
I know that he was there the days that I needed him to be..that's in two weeks..he stayed with me. hung out with me..and helped me get through the moments..he let me cry on his shoulder he wiped the tears from my eyes. he made me smile when i was down in the blue.
how do you let someone like that go? I dont even know...
I just cant believe it came to my mind this way and brought up all these memories...
Im missing him today...
Good night
I moved to Vancouver..
It was in November of last year....he said this to me.
he said as he saw me off at the bus station as I headed to Belleville to visit a friend. he said "I feel like Im never going to see you again"
my heart skipped a beat. and I didn't believe that. I mean I knew I'd see him it was only two weeks and I'd do everything I could to conact him when I returned.
however that two weeks I believe turned into three. and then two days after I returned I was in Vancouver for about a month or so. and then I went back to Ontario for all of three days. before permanitely moving back to Vancouver.
there was not a day that went by that I didn't call him and talk to him. write to him. wish for him. everything just because he was one of my favorite people. someone I pictured myself one day ending up with. someone I really loved. I remember the feelings I got when I seen him. I remember the feelings of me when he'd brush my hair from my face. or when he'd hold my hand. he was truly an amazing man someone that I loved adn still love very much.
I have forced myself to forget about him. because we are miles apart and he cant leave Ontario and so the only way this would all work out is if I moved back. and I feel obligated to be in vancouver.
It's so painful to think of him. however tonight as I played some cards. it brought him up. I thought about him as I have these past few days. because I truly care for him and miss him greatly. Just before I left to come back to vancouver. I bought him a Christmas present. it was a toque that I found at Old Navy....just before I left for the bus when he dropped me off.. he said that he should wear a touque because hats don't suite him..I agreed because we tried it out. and I knew that this touqe was perfect...I never got it to him. and I ended up wearing it while being here in vancouver. it took about a month or two before I let anyone else wear it. because I knew it belonged to him...and I had strongly hoped that one day I'd see him and give him his gift.
my heart aches...because I haven't allowed myself to think of him in so long..that now that I do. it makes me sad it makes me miss him so much. I mean my cousin Trevor even talked to him. told him to come to Vancouver..come and be with me because he made me so happy.
I think part of the reason things sorta changed between him adn I...was because of my drinking becaues I started going down that road. and did it really badly..I got the overdue visa payments and all that to prove it.
how can it be?
How can I love him this much....spend the last I think seven months or less making myself forget him... is it because there is someone else in my life? and even if there is it doesn't change the way I feel about him. I mean Ontario is far away and Im not going back to live there... but my heart a piece of me will always be there because of him... however I said I'd let that go. and I did. but lately it's all that has come to my mind...it's put my heart at rest because of the emotions that I've been thinking about.
I mean when I was with him....it wasn't about the affection that he showed me. it wasn't about his hand in mine....it didn't matter where we went or what we did. he made me feel something more amazing then I had ever felt. we could sit on the edge of the curb for hours just admiring each other. enjoying the nights of the stars. we could find beauty in all kinds of weather. we had the same likes and dislikes. he showed me things that I'd not seen before...he made me feel something...it's just so crazy...
yet..
yet..
yet.........
Here I am. on a Friday early morning.... thinking about him..wishing that I could talk to him. hear his voice..see his face.. see him smile...I want him to come to vancouver. I want to show him the beauties of our citiy here...I mean it's more amazing then there..because we have so much more and I know it more...
why do I miss him so much right now? what is it that has brought this up?
I know that he was there the days that I needed him to be..that's in two weeks..he stayed with me. hung out with me..and helped me get through the moments..he let me cry on his shoulder he wiped the tears from my eyes. he made me smile when i was down in the blue.
how do you let someone like that go? I dont even know...
I just cant believe it came to my mind this way and brought up all these memories...
Im missing him today...
Good night
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
chances
I went to counselling.. it was really interesting because I've never really talked about my sister. I mean my older sister. some people don't really know I have a sister..and yet when you get me in those moments of talking about my sister. this deep hope rises in me....as to one day seeing my sister in her pride and glory..looking beautiful then ever and being the greatest sister I'd ever have! besides the other ones.
It was kinda funny..talking about her. cause when I turned to see my counselor it was like she was in this daze or something..like I knew she was listenning..however one of those things where the conversation was so intense that she listened intently. maybe it was something I said.
You know what I enjoy about counselling is no matter how bad I go in there..like how much I dread going behind those closed doors...and talking about stuff I dont really talk about with many people other then Trevor. I always would hope she wouldn't be there...you know? just once have her not there..but then I rememebr when she was actually not there how furious it made me because I felt I have no idea how I felt. but it was not a happy feeling.
anyhow everytime I go to counselling no matter what kind of garbage I spill out...I always seem to be able to laugh with her. I think that's wierd. I mean I remember in counselling in Ontario it would seem to take days for someone to make me smile after counselling..espcially if it was an intense counselling session, those are the ones when you go to counselling and the words are said and then this huge wrap around and then you end up like feeling guilty or ashamed or something for saying things. but of course the best parts are that they never say those judgements on you. like some people would...the whole sometimes people would say get over it..he died so many years ago.
a counselor doesn't say that..she might want too...lol...maybe the people who say that dont really know the whole story..whereas a counselor does you know?
either way i can go on and on my friend about how counselling never seems to end..lol
other then that. I've found myself in and out of this good phase. a part of me trys to forget that's its october however the other part of me..dreads every second of it...although there are those glimers of hope that float through on each e-mail I recieve from my greatest love!
those are the moments that captivate me.
this love of my life...the lighthouse in this dark storm. this ray of light..this shinning star. my love could've walked away this month..could've let me fall apart all on my own. I could've walked away because I wanted too..I know the person I become in October and that's why I would rather close people off...however my love...stayed. and every second of everyday regardless of how I feel it's like on the coldest days or nights...I just go and think of my love..and it brings a warmth to these cold times.
I feel glad for that.
I could not be happier.
however I also could not be more broken.. I mean...thinking of my dad and the person he was. and wondering about things...youknow? I mean there was a movie on tonight that was made in 1994 and I watched it only because it made me think if I had ever watched it with him... it hurts to know there are very little things like that I can remember. I still remember different things. but to be able to remember everything would be great. I mean the good with the bad. but it's done this way for a reason.
the best things are rightnow.. is that today i feel loved. and I have expressed my great joy to my love and to here...that you know what..regardless of these next two weeks of pain. I will remember that I felt loved today...there is nothing more amazing then that..Im glad to be here. it feels good to be here
good night
It was kinda funny..talking about her. cause when I turned to see my counselor it was like she was in this daze or something..like I knew she was listenning..however one of those things where the conversation was so intense that she listened intently. maybe it was something I said.
You know what I enjoy about counselling is no matter how bad I go in there..like how much I dread going behind those closed doors...and talking about stuff I dont really talk about with many people other then Trevor. I always would hope she wouldn't be there...you know? just once have her not there..but then I rememebr when she was actually not there how furious it made me because I felt I have no idea how I felt. but it was not a happy feeling.
anyhow everytime I go to counselling no matter what kind of garbage I spill out...I always seem to be able to laugh with her. I think that's wierd. I mean I remember in counselling in Ontario it would seem to take days for someone to make me smile after counselling..espcially if it was an intense counselling session, those are the ones when you go to counselling and the words are said and then this huge wrap around and then you end up like feeling guilty or ashamed or something for saying things. but of course the best parts are that they never say those judgements on you. like some people would...the whole sometimes people would say get over it..he died so many years ago.
a counselor doesn't say that..she might want too...lol...maybe the people who say that dont really know the whole story..whereas a counselor does you know?
either way i can go on and on my friend about how counselling never seems to end..lol
other then that. I've found myself in and out of this good phase. a part of me trys to forget that's its october however the other part of me..dreads every second of it...although there are those glimers of hope that float through on each e-mail I recieve from my greatest love!
those are the moments that captivate me.
this love of my life...the lighthouse in this dark storm. this ray of light..this shinning star. my love could've walked away this month..could've let me fall apart all on my own. I could've walked away because I wanted too..I know the person I become in October and that's why I would rather close people off...however my love...stayed. and every second of everyday regardless of how I feel it's like on the coldest days or nights...I just go and think of my love..and it brings a warmth to these cold times.
I feel glad for that.
I could not be happier.
however I also could not be more broken.. I mean...thinking of my dad and the person he was. and wondering about things...youknow? I mean there was a movie on tonight that was made in 1994 and I watched it only because it made me think if I had ever watched it with him... it hurts to know there are very little things like that I can remember. I still remember different things. but to be able to remember everything would be great. I mean the good with the bad. but it's done this way for a reason.
the best things are rightnow.. is that today i feel loved. and I have expressed my great joy to my love and to here...that you know what..regardless of these next two weeks of pain. I will remember that I felt loved today...there is nothing more amazing then that..Im glad to be here. it feels good to be here
good night
Friday, October 10, 2008
being the man
such a wierd title...however living in my shoes makes you be able to understand what Im talking about..
Since I was ten years old I've been taking care of my brothers and sisters and being there and helping them through diffiult times..and lovin them with a real love or what I had learned of what love was from the church.
I've faced some difficult times in my life on my own...with my addictions and emotional times.
Now I feel like an idiot nothin could compare to that...
I found out tonight that my mom is having some finanical problems and here I am taking money from here when I had $18 dollars in my account.. now I realize that you know what i can't do this anymore.
I been going around with money in my pocket...getting piercings and waiting for my next tattoo. realizing now that I can't do that...
how can I do something like that when I have finacial problems at home? I mean seriously I have used this computer an watched T.V. and talked on the phone so much that I should be helping pay for that...although I might feel that im not making enough money but I have to do this..
I am the man of the house....the father of the house..what I say goes...so what goes now is that Im going to start helping my mom pay off her phone bills and all that and even though I wanted more clothes and my tattoo...I realize that there are things right now more important then that. so I hope that I'll be able to do that....this has been too much enough as is.
it made my stomach clench when I realized that I haven't helped my mom at all and then now I dont know..I have to make some phone calls in the morning and try and get to give my mom an extra $50 bucks for the month or at least till my next cheque. Im sad that i wont be able to do what i want too..however I realize even though I have all my responsibilities...I also live in her house.
it's frustrating..
however im extremely tired. Im going to bed...and hope that i sleep well even though I feel the way that I do...
Good night
Since I was ten years old I've been taking care of my brothers and sisters and being there and helping them through diffiult times..and lovin them with a real love or what I had learned of what love was from the church.
I've faced some difficult times in my life on my own...with my addictions and emotional times.
Now I feel like an idiot nothin could compare to that...
I found out tonight that my mom is having some finanical problems and here I am taking money from here when I had $18 dollars in my account.. now I realize that you know what i can't do this anymore.
I been going around with money in my pocket...getting piercings and waiting for my next tattoo. realizing now that I can't do that...
how can I do something like that when I have finacial problems at home? I mean seriously I have used this computer an watched T.V. and talked on the phone so much that I should be helping pay for that...although I might feel that im not making enough money but I have to do this..
I am the man of the house....the father of the house..what I say goes...so what goes now is that Im going to start helping my mom pay off her phone bills and all that and even though I wanted more clothes and my tattoo...I realize that there are things right now more important then that. so I hope that I'll be able to do that....this has been too much enough as is.
it made my stomach clench when I realized that I haven't helped my mom at all and then now I dont know..I have to make some phone calls in the morning and try and get to give my mom an extra $50 bucks for the month or at least till my next cheque. Im sad that i wont be able to do what i want too..however I realize even though I have all my responsibilities...I also live in her house.
it's frustrating..
however im extremely tired. Im going to bed...and hope that i sleep well even though I feel the way that I do...
Good night
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
no words
there are hardly any words to say with anguish I am feeling. I did not recieve the best news today it actually hurt me more then anything could.
I realize now how foolish I've been.
I finally recieved an e-mail back from my friend and it helped me through today.
Im scared of what more pain I can feel as this month continues on and the daily idea of the pain I will continue to feel with each passing day.
It feels like the sun will night shine on me. all's I feel is the coldness of each day. I've never felt so foolish....
I can sit and sob with the pain I feel...there are no words to speak as a love so deep has gone from my life. all's I thought about is how can I get this back...realizing that maybe that time has passed...maybe it was too late so long ago...
it reminded me of the idea of the letting go...each day as I awake and walk out my door leaves fallen from trees..my greatest reminder of needing to let things go....I grasp so hard to that love and never want it to be gone...and realize it slipped right through my hands and I not sure if it'll ever come back.
what have I done..how could I do this...
as I read the words....my heart was pierced with so much anguish and pain....I cried a river today because I realize how foolish I am...
I sat in my room door locked....and thought....i could do this right here and now...cut so deep that I bleed to death....my heart felt so burdened with the foolish words I said...
instead I remembered the words I said...I didn't want to cut anymore...I love people so much an the pain of me taking pain on myself....is not something I want others to feel...
so instead I put my blades where my heart would feel safe....this place that is so real. this love that was real....I put my blades in that place because I realize its not my time...
although the pain is real and I feel burdened...it's not my time...
I dont want to act foolish that way...I put my blades away where I cannot go...however they still stay with me..just not as close to me because I dont want to make myself hurt that way.. why would I do something so foolish like that...even if the pain is so great that this one thing would take it away....I dont want to do it...so I put it away....
I allowed myself to feel the pain...of today...I cried myself back to sleep....I awoke...and still felt the burden and pain....I threw myself into my work today...it was hard..it's hard to let go of something so great.
I just hope that...no matter what...I will live today..
the thoughts of my father have outweighed any other pain....nothing is more painful then that. I lie in bed....questioning my father..did he really love me...how could anyone love me..I thank God for my sweet friend who reassured me that he did love me...and although he made poor decisions his love for me was real...just as anyone would love me...
I miss him so much...I wish I could be with him here and now...to cry in his arms and tell him everything in my heart...to be there sitting with him as he holds me...and just tells me he loves me...
I need that now more then ever....this love seemed gone forever...
no one will understand this pain I feel today...this pain...I can't describe it...there are no words to tell you....how painful it's been for me...
how could I be so foolish...so selfish...
what do I do now? where do I go from here...because Im losing my mind...I feel burdened.. I can't sleep..I can't eat...Im feeling like fading away...I can't believe I can be so foolish as to let that love go...
Im scared....Im scared...because I don't know now how I'll get through this...how will I get through this...and will this time ever end....
im sad....im sad...how can i be so foolish....
I miss my dad...I wish that he could tell me how Im going to get through this.....
no one will understand the pain of today...no one will understand how much i loved my dad...
I need him more then ever...
my heart feels like it's been torn and broken to bits and pieces...and it's never hurt so bad...i wish that I could get through this...I wish that I could just once turn back time..and make this alright.
how ...
why...
I wish...
I will love you forever
I realize now how foolish I've been.
I finally recieved an e-mail back from my friend and it helped me through today.
Im scared of what more pain I can feel as this month continues on and the daily idea of the pain I will continue to feel with each passing day.
It feels like the sun will night shine on me. all's I feel is the coldness of each day. I've never felt so foolish....
I can sit and sob with the pain I feel...there are no words to speak as a love so deep has gone from my life. all's I thought about is how can I get this back...realizing that maybe that time has passed...maybe it was too late so long ago...
it reminded me of the idea of the letting go...each day as I awake and walk out my door leaves fallen from trees..my greatest reminder of needing to let things go....I grasp so hard to that love and never want it to be gone...and realize it slipped right through my hands and I not sure if it'll ever come back.
what have I done..how could I do this...
as I read the words....my heart was pierced with so much anguish and pain....I cried a river today because I realize how foolish I am...
I sat in my room door locked....and thought....i could do this right here and now...cut so deep that I bleed to death....my heart felt so burdened with the foolish words I said...
instead I remembered the words I said...I didn't want to cut anymore...I love people so much an the pain of me taking pain on myself....is not something I want others to feel...
so instead I put my blades where my heart would feel safe....this place that is so real. this love that was real....I put my blades in that place because I realize its not my time...
although the pain is real and I feel burdened...it's not my time...
I dont want to act foolish that way...I put my blades away where I cannot go...however they still stay with me..just not as close to me because I dont want to make myself hurt that way.. why would I do something so foolish like that...even if the pain is so great that this one thing would take it away....I dont want to do it...so I put it away....
I allowed myself to feel the pain...of today...I cried myself back to sleep....I awoke...and still felt the burden and pain....I threw myself into my work today...it was hard..it's hard to let go of something so great.
I just hope that...no matter what...I will live today..
the thoughts of my father have outweighed any other pain....nothing is more painful then that. I lie in bed....questioning my father..did he really love me...how could anyone love me..I thank God for my sweet friend who reassured me that he did love me...and although he made poor decisions his love for me was real...just as anyone would love me...
I miss him so much...I wish I could be with him here and now...to cry in his arms and tell him everything in my heart...to be there sitting with him as he holds me...and just tells me he loves me...
I need that now more then ever....this love seemed gone forever...
no one will understand this pain I feel today...this pain...I can't describe it...there are no words to tell you....how painful it's been for me...
how could I be so foolish...so selfish...
what do I do now? where do I go from here...because Im losing my mind...I feel burdened.. I can't sleep..I can't eat...Im feeling like fading away...I can't believe I can be so foolish as to let that love go...
Im scared....Im scared...because I don't know now how I'll get through this...how will I get through this...and will this time ever end....
im sad....im sad...how can i be so foolish....
I miss my dad...I wish that he could tell me how Im going to get through this.....
no one will understand the pain of today...no one will understand how much i loved my dad...
I need him more then ever...
my heart feels like it's been torn and broken to bits and pieces...and it's never hurt so bad...i wish that I could get through this...I wish that I could just once turn back time..and make this alright.
how ...
why...
I wish...
I will love you forever
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
loved back pt2
emotional turmoil demolished...as I gazed into a movie an realized from the movie that we don't always know the reasons for everything. not everything has a reason
the way I was feeling could've or more so was triggered but emotions I had read earlier on tonight.
the fear for me...is always being loved...I never was really sure that I loved..or could be loved. being a young child it was never really on my mind that I was loved. I knew I existed..but to be loved is to be something more great. to be cared for and loved....something more greater...
I realize now that this love...is more greater then anything I've ever felt and to doubt it is to be human for me. I mean to be me....to be real to be really vulnerable with someone else is a horrific time for me...its something I dont enjoy experiencing and it's also something that's freeing in some ways for me...
maybe it was the thought of losing that...rather then allowing myself to lavish in all the love that has been put to me.
I mean even if things may have changed in some ways...there are still moments in my life.. moments I will sit at a bus stop and remember those feelings..or remember that smile. it'smore amazing then anything...maybe things have changed..but maybe there is a time and a place to bring those things back up. because for nowmy life is a real mess and it gets worse daily..I mean there are those moments..the glistenings of hope but there is more burden for me in a day then joy.
it's my life...why do I have to doubt it>?
I was scared...more so scared at the idea that maybe my father never loved me. or even then maybe he didn't love me...and so when I allowed myself to think of those things that's when I doubted everything else. and realized that Im allowing myself to lose my mind in this idea that I know is a lie...
I could read it in his journal...the love he had for us...i can hear my father's voice as he wrote these thoughts in his journal...why would I doubt his love for me...
I probably doubted it because its hard....its hard to remember at times...the feeling of being loved...
yet when I allow myself to sit and think about it...there were those amazing times that I had with my father...and in those ways were the ways he had shown me he loved me...
everyone has that whole love ways....I can't remember what they were...but everyone has a way of showing others their love....and in this way
the way my love shows me their love...is different..and it might at times make me feel second best however when I am loved it makes me feel like I am the best!
I dont doubt it anymore...
I just allowed myself to doubt myself. I allowed my mind to wonder into this world because it's never been real true for me before..
its strange how at times we doubt those things...unless it's only me...and even then you'd be lying if you said you never doubted it...
I dont know...I just am glad that I had time to think about it...and realize my conclusion
my conclusion is...
I've never been loved like this before...and the feeling is always changing for the better..it grows deeper then my soul... if that makes any sense...
I just am glad to be loved.
it's an amazing thing..
night
the way I was feeling could've or more so was triggered but emotions I had read earlier on tonight.
the fear for me...is always being loved...I never was really sure that I loved..or could be loved. being a young child it was never really on my mind that I was loved. I knew I existed..but to be loved is to be something more great. to be cared for and loved....something more greater...
I realize now that this love...is more greater then anything I've ever felt and to doubt it is to be human for me. I mean to be me....to be real to be really vulnerable with someone else is a horrific time for me...its something I dont enjoy experiencing and it's also something that's freeing in some ways for me...
maybe it was the thought of losing that...rather then allowing myself to lavish in all the love that has been put to me.
I mean even if things may have changed in some ways...there are still moments in my life.. moments I will sit at a bus stop and remember those feelings..or remember that smile. it'smore amazing then anything...maybe things have changed..but maybe there is a time and a place to bring those things back up. because for nowmy life is a real mess and it gets worse daily..I mean there are those moments..the glistenings of hope but there is more burden for me in a day then joy.
it's my life...why do I have to doubt it>?
I was scared...more so scared at the idea that maybe my father never loved me. or even then maybe he didn't love me...and so when I allowed myself to think of those things that's when I doubted everything else. and realized that Im allowing myself to lose my mind in this idea that I know is a lie...
I could read it in his journal...the love he had for us...i can hear my father's voice as he wrote these thoughts in his journal...why would I doubt his love for me...
I probably doubted it because its hard....its hard to remember at times...the feeling of being loved...
yet when I allow myself to sit and think about it...there were those amazing times that I had with my father...and in those ways were the ways he had shown me he loved me...
everyone has that whole love ways....I can't remember what they were...but everyone has a way of showing others their love....and in this way
the way my love shows me their love...is different..and it might at times make me feel second best however when I am loved it makes me feel like I am the best!
I dont doubt it anymore...
I just allowed myself to doubt myself. I allowed my mind to wonder into this world because it's never been real true for me before..
its strange how at times we doubt those things...unless it's only me...and even then you'd be lying if you said you never doubted it...
I dont know...I just am glad that I had time to think about it...and realize my conclusion
my conclusion is...
I've never been loved like this before...and the feeling is always changing for the better..it grows deeper then my soul... if that makes any sense...
I just am glad to be loved.
it's an amazing thing..
night
Monday, October 6, 2008
loved back
I honestly don't know where to begin..where to start...
last night when I went to bed all's I thought about was whether my father actually loved me. I mean I honestly don't remember him saying it. I dont remember any of that sorta stuff and I dont remember him being angry or anything like that.....but then last night I felt like I wasn't sure if my dad loved me.. how crazy are those thoughts? i mean I was so unsure of whether my father loved me that I wanted to send a dear friend of mine a e-mail asking her....instead I was in bed and I kept talking to Exodus asking her....do you think he loved me...an all she did was purr and cuddle with me...
then tonight....
i was put into some new turmoil... I've loved someone more then ever before...someone I care about with every inch of my heart... someone I cherish...however...I've seen this love of mine go through some difficult times in their life.. an it hit me...how do I really love them?
I was thinking about this..I will feel bad for writing it but I know that I need to or Im going to break down again..
I wondered what kind of love this was...because I've played second best in this person's life. they have never really seen me....I mean pieces of me yes...they say they love me back....but... I dont know anymore....im scared to doubt that...
the other night even last night I was looking at photos of a friend of mines wedding...and the steady gaze is what I had seen while looking into each photo...
it got me thinking today...
I've known different types of love...experienced different types of love...and then I've felt the trueness of real love....that love does not compare to anything....
however then I have this love..this love that used to give me tingles just thinking about them, talking to them..this love that gave the opportunity to give them a nickname. this love that has been in my life for so long...Im worried as craziness now...
I read a quote about how things change..how love changes...
I wrote my love once...and said things are changed....but regretted it right after...and then.. now im just confused...because I see these things and look at these things...and then lose my mind.
I remember in the beginning when I was dating...it was amazing...a great feeling... the tingles, the amazing talks at night...the time together...then months later it's all changed... I started working and then all's I have is nothing....Im focused on work...
if not that then Im emotional rollercoaster all my life but ten times worse as it is October.
my heart feels like pouring out blood...I feel overwhelmed with these painful thoughts of everything...and now I just am so confused.
the truth..the lies..the everything....all the everything in my head. and then I got nothing but the words I write here.....I maybe like writing here sometimes is because there is no response...because if someone responded something I didn't like...or if I were talking ot someone face to face about this Im sure the results would be more difficult for me to handle.
I feel so wrong....I feel so wrong for feeling this way....unworthy to have someone love me that much....and yet..be distant from that love...
maybe im just not thinking right because it's october... I'll figure it out sooner or later...but Im really emotional about this rightnow...
so im going to spend some time away..and see if I can think about this more and write again later.
night
last night when I went to bed all's I thought about was whether my father actually loved me. I mean I honestly don't remember him saying it. I dont remember any of that sorta stuff and I dont remember him being angry or anything like that.....but then last night I felt like I wasn't sure if my dad loved me.. how crazy are those thoughts? i mean I was so unsure of whether my father loved me that I wanted to send a dear friend of mine a e-mail asking her....instead I was in bed and I kept talking to Exodus asking her....do you think he loved me...an all she did was purr and cuddle with me...
then tonight....
i was put into some new turmoil... I've loved someone more then ever before...someone I care about with every inch of my heart... someone I cherish...however...I've seen this love of mine go through some difficult times in their life.. an it hit me...how do I really love them?
I was thinking about this..I will feel bad for writing it but I know that I need to or Im going to break down again..
I wondered what kind of love this was...because I've played second best in this person's life. they have never really seen me....I mean pieces of me yes...they say they love me back....but... I dont know anymore....im scared to doubt that...
the other night even last night I was looking at photos of a friend of mines wedding...and the steady gaze is what I had seen while looking into each photo...
it got me thinking today...
I've known different types of love...experienced different types of love...and then I've felt the trueness of real love....that love does not compare to anything....
however then I have this love..this love that used to give me tingles just thinking about them, talking to them..this love that gave the opportunity to give them a nickname. this love that has been in my life for so long...Im worried as craziness now...
I read a quote about how things change..how love changes...
I wrote my love once...and said things are changed....but regretted it right after...and then.. now im just confused...because I see these things and look at these things...and then lose my mind.
I remember in the beginning when I was dating...it was amazing...a great feeling... the tingles, the amazing talks at night...the time together...then months later it's all changed... I started working and then all's I have is nothing....Im focused on work...
if not that then Im emotional rollercoaster all my life but ten times worse as it is October.
my heart feels like pouring out blood...I feel overwhelmed with these painful thoughts of everything...and now I just am so confused.
the truth..the lies..the everything....all the everything in my head. and then I got nothing but the words I write here.....I maybe like writing here sometimes is because there is no response...because if someone responded something I didn't like...or if I were talking ot someone face to face about this Im sure the results would be more difficult for me to handle.
I feel so wrong....I feel so wrong for feeling this way....unworthy to have someone love me that much....and yet..be distant from that love...
maybe im just not thinking right because it's october... I'll figure it out sooner or later...but Im really emotional about this rightnow...
so im going to spend some time away..and see if I can think about this more and write again later.
night
if I didn't
For the past week of my life all's I've thought about, talked about, or cried about was my father. missing him more and more as time goes on.
Today I talked to my cousin and I told him you know I don't remember any time in my life when my dad was alive did he ever yell at me, or hit me.
im not sure who told me this however someone told me when someone we love dies the memories of them being anything bad or anything like that deminish. my machinsm for loving and missing my dad so much is because he loved me so much and it showed alot. however those are the memories i have to carry with me. I have never remembered my father hurting me in anyway. someone told me that the reason that is, was because my mind like erased or stored away the true memories of my father....But I dont think that's true because everyone who had ever met my father would say what a great man he was...
I mean I remember him standing up for me...I remember him loving me...carrying me, taking care of me when I was sick...laughing with me....watching T.V. with me... or cooking for me, cleaning for me...
The only memory I have ever that I seen him cry...I dont even know why he was crying. I just know he was listenning to the Rolling Stones "Angie" song.I remember going to him but I don't remember saying anything to him or hugging him or anything. i just remember him sitting at our kitchen table crying....that was like the only time I ever remember him crying.. I dont know what that's all about.
I mean Im guessing it's the whole memory of my dad being my hero. I mean when I was in elementary the only person I ever wrote about being a hero was my father...he was there for me through so much..he really loved me.
I dont know if I'll ever really remember him the person he was...I'd rather just remember him as the person he was to me... I can't imagine if someone told me otherwise about him I dont think I'd believe them because he was my father. I remember the torture and pain I went through when he used to beg my mother to let him in the house.... only words we lived by in that time was "Tough Love" she believed it would help him. it did sorta... but I guess..nevermind...
Why is that I can remember all these great things about my father and yet nothing else? I can remember bits and pieces of the last couplemonths before he died. I can remember his drunken days, an drugs and stuff...I remember that...but yet even in those times my dad always loved me even in those times...how is that....how could a man choose those things and yet show that kind affection and love towards his daughter?
I really don't get that...Im getting worried that Im remembering a facade of what my father was and yet I've lived in this fantasy of the memory of my father being someone different.. no one will really know...and I can't talk to my mom about it because she doesn't like talking about it. other then that the only other person that knew my dad was my auntie...she was murdered.. other then that Im not sure who knew my dad...
could it really be possible that i've made up this idea of my dad? I dont think so... I dont think anyone could tell me different about my dad...I believe he loved me..he made it a goal of his to show us he loved us...I felt it and knew it everyday I was with him.
I mean I remember the day...my mom was able to bring us home after being in fostercare what seemed to be forever...and the first thing I asked when my mom took us to our new home.. was "where's my dad" and...we walked in the door and he turned his chair around...and he had the biggest smile on his face....he had never looked so great! he was clean. he was sober! he was my dad! even though I never got to see him that much, he was getting clean and sober at a treatment centre... he was really coming back to the living! he was a great man. no one could tell me different...i dont think i'd give them the time of day if someone even tried.
Im thinking alot...
I just know....that my dad loved me...and yet... and yet... why can't I remember anything bad about him? what is locked away in my mind that's prevented me from remembering everything? there's more to it....but my mind has played this defence machinsim for so long that im not sure I'll ever know....people tell me in time..it'll come back to me..Im terrifed of that you know? because it'll make me remember the good and the bad... cause these last nearly 13yrs all's I remember is the good...the greatness really....why would I want to remember the bad?
Im tired...thinking too much about this...
good night
Today I talked to my cousin and I told him you know I don't remember any time in my life when my dad was alive did he ever yell at me, or hit me.
im not sure who told me this however someone told me when someone we love dies the memories of them being anything bad or anything like that deminish. my machinsm for loving and missing my dad so much is because he loved me so much and it showed alot. however those are the memories i have to carry with me. I have never remembered my father hurting me in anyway. someone told me that the reason that is, was because my mind like erased or stored away the true memories of my father....But I dont think that's true because everyone who had ever met my father would say what a great man he was...
I mean I remember him standing up for me...I remember him loving me...carrying me, taking care of me when I was sick...laughing with me....watching T.V. with me... or cooking for me, cleaning for me...
The only memory I have ever that I seen him cry...I dont even know why he was crying. I just know he was listenning to the Rolling Stones "Angie" song.I remember going to him but I don't remember saying anything to him or hugging him or anything. i just remember him sitting at our kitchen table crying....that was like the only time I ever remember him crying.. I dont know what that's all about.
I mean Im guessing it's the whole memory of my dad being my hero. I mean when I was in elementary the only person I ever wrote about being a hero was my father...he was there for me through so much..he really loved me.
I dont know if I'll ever really remember him the person he was...I'd rather just remember him as the person he was to me... I can't imagine if someone told me otherwise about him I dont think I'd believe them because he was my father. I remember the torture and pain I went through when he used to beg my mother to let him in the house.... only words we lived by in that time was "Tough Love" she believed it would help him. it did sorta... but I guess..nevermind...
Why is that I can remember all these great things about my father and yet nothing else? I can remember bits and pieces of the last couplemonths before he died. I can remember his drunken days, an drugs and stuff...I remember that...but yet even in those times my dad always loved me even in those times...how is that....how could a man choose those things and yet show that kind affection and love towards his daughter?
I really don't get that...Im getting worried that Im remembering a facade of what my father was and yet I've lived in this fantasy of the memory of my father being someone different.. no one will really know...and I can't talk to my mom about it because she doesn't like talking about it. other then that the only other person that knew my dad was my auntie...she was murdered.. other then that Im not sure who knew my dad...
could it really be possible that i've made up this idea of my dad? I dont think so... I dont think anyone could tell me different about my dad...I believe he loved me..he made it a goal of his to show us he loved us...I felt it and knew it everyday I was with him.
I mean I remember the day...my mom was able to bring us home after being in fostercare what seemed to be forever...and the first thing I asked when my mom took us to our new home.. was "where's my dad" and...we walked in the door and he turned his chair around...and he had the biggest smile on his face....he had never looked so great! he was clean. he was sober! he was my dad! even though I never got to see him that much, he was getting clean and sober at a treatment centre... he was really coming back to the living! he was a great man. no one could tell me different...i dont think i'd give them the time of day if someone even tried.
Im thinking alot...
I just know....that my dad loved me...and yet... and yet... why can't I remember anything bad about him? what is locked away in my mind that's prevented me from remembering everything? there's more to it....but my mind has played this defence machinsim for so long that im not sure I'll ever know....people tell me in time..it'll come back to me..Im terrifed of that you know? because it'll make me remember the good and the bad... cause these last nearly 13yrs all's I remember is the good...the greatness really....why would I want to remember the bad?
Im tired...thinking too much about this...
good night
Thursday, October 2, 2008
all across the sky
there's a few songs on my ipod that I listen to repeatively.
Im too scared to write these words. im scared of the emotional turmoil that I am feeling, however I know this is where I come in desperate moments of needing to express these moments.
I've been forced to make some decisons that I'll have to stand by because Im trying to better myself in my life especially during this time. however as this being the first of october I feel like this huge thing of anger is rising up in me. I constantly wanna fight I want to do something to make the whole world angry with me.I dont know maybe I just want to hurt...
all's I am thinking about is how childish I am that I continously struggle with the death of my father. I hear the words of many people that WERE in my life that said let him go, get over it, or something stupid like that. then I turn and ask have you ever lost a loved one at a young age? but apparently it does not make a difference...because we have to let it go sometime.
Im in a stage in my life...that i feel like crying. I feel like giving up on everything I've worked so hard to get too.
There are people that I love and care for more then anything..and yet during this time they are just disappointing me.hurting me or just being so messed up with bull with me... I have explained to them continously that I can't deal with this kind of emotions or decisions right now. so instead Ive let them go. instead Im just dealing with me. because I know that this is my life an if I dont get through these things it will destruct me..It won't distruct those who may not be in my life much longer.. what I mean by that is that people come and go so much in my life.. that there words that pierce me..dont help me...
I give up so much for so many people...I go out of my way for others. but Im done now. Im done now because I realize how broken I am in my life...and how much if I dont get what i need soon then I'll fall apart and who knows what will happen from there..
a show comes to mind...it was about someone showing someone else how broken they were in their lives..how they shut everyone out and just...
it was a picture of a nice glass just regular cup...or glass...whole...
however then it was smashed to the ground...and the point is that I've allowed myself to be bottled up, fragile little me... broken...bleeding...everything about me is broken... and all's I want to do is cry...to be by myself...to deal with me...
If I can do this one thing then I would feel I could conquer more then the world...because I really want to survive my life..I want to make it...I dont want to continue cutting. I dont want to continue drinking..I dont want to continue to turning to things that hurt me and not help me...
I want to find that freedom that I've heard so much about..the release of truly letting someone go..not forgetting but not letting it ruin ones life every year on his death anniversary..
until then....Im staying where I am...Im making my decision that Im shutting myself off from the world that has made me feel enslaved to helping others...because right now its time for just me. I have my three people support system and its all I need right now...other then that... I've let everything everyone else go....I can't be disappointed..i can't be around people who have jerked me around..who have toyed with my mind..who have enslaved me to this thing that's done nothing but hurt me at the end of the night.
Im done with that...and I really hope that I'll stand through this..stand strong...and I really really hope that I can make it through this month and make it to the new world....to open my eyes to beauty of our world...
Im done being destructive..or being in relationships that have been destructive to me... Im done going outta my way for others...Im focusing on me...
im crying enough...being sad..broken...bruised..bleeding in my heart..enough with the fact it's my dad's month...that's more difficult then anything else...if the people that love me don't understand me in that way...then they have never really known me at all...
Good night
Im too scared to write these words. im scared of the emotional turmoil that I am feeling, however I know this is where I come in desperate moments of needing to express these moments.
I've been forced to make some decisons that I'll have to stand by because Im trying to better myself in my life especially during this time. however as this being the first of october I feel like this huge thing of anger is rising up in me. I constantly wanna fight I want to do something to make the whole world angry with me.I dont know maybe I just want to hurt...
all's I am thinking about is how childish I am that I continously struggle with the death of my father. I hear the words of many people that WERE in my life that said let him go, get over it, or something stupid like that. then I turn and ask have you ever lost a loved one at a young age? but apparently it does not make a difference...because we have to let it go sometime.
Im in a stage in my life...that i feel like crying. I feel like giving up on everything I've worked so hard to get too.
There are people that I love and care for more then anything..and yet during this time they are just disappointing me.hurting me or just being so messed up with bull with me... I have explained to them continously that I can't deal with this kind of emotions or decisions right now. so instead Ive let them go. instead Im just dealing with me. because I know that this is my life an if I dont get through these things it will destruct me..It won't distruct those who may not be in my life much longer.. what I mean by that is that people come and go so much in my life.. that there words that pierce me..dont help me...
I give up so much for so many people...I go out of my way for others. but Im done now. Im done now because I realize how broken I am in my life...and how much if I dont get what i need soon then I'll fall apart and who knows what will happen from there..
a show comes to mind...it was about someone showing someone else how broken they were in their lives..how they shut everyone out and just...
it was a picture of a nice glass just regular cup...or glass...whole...
however then it was smashed to the ground...and the point is that I've allowed myself to be bottled up, fragile little me... broken...bleeding...everything about me is broken... and all's I want to do is cry...to be by myself...to deal with me...
If I can do this one thing then I would feel I could conquer more then the world...because I really want to survive my life..I want to make it...I dont want to continue cutting. I dont want to continue drinking..I dont want to continue to turning to things that hurt me and not help me...
I want to find that freedom that I've heard so much about..the release of truly letting someone go..not forgetting but not letting it ruin ones life every year on his death anniversary..
until then....Im staying where I am...Im making my decision that Im shutting myself off from the world that has made me feel enslaved to helping others...because right now its time for just me. I have my three people support system and its all I need right now...other then that... I've let everything everyone else go....I can't be disappointed..i can't be around people who have jerked me around..who have toyed with my mind..who have enslaved me to this thing that's done nothing but hurt me at the end of the night.
Im done with that...and I really hope that I'll stand through this..stand strong...and I really really hope that I can make it through this month and make it to the new world....to open my eyes to beauty of our world...
Im done being destructive..or being in relationships that have been destructive to me... Im done going outta my way for others...Im focusing on me...
im crying enough...being sad..broken...bruised..bleeding in my heart..enough with the fact it's my dad's month...that's more difficult then anything else...if the people that love me don't understand me in that way...then they have never really known me at all...
Good night
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