crazy love

 Currently living the dream I guess.. I am moving forward as best as I can under the circumstances. For some odd reason I woke up.. in two different ways.. in sense.. I'm happy but I also want to self sabotage in sense of things that are habits.. and that is weird.. 

I think that my subconscious is still scared of happiness, and therefore my body wants to react? does that make sense? maybe Im just crazy..

Recently my partner and I got together...well we were together a few days.. but last night was special.. because the night before my partner randomly hinted at the idea of forever, and said she thought I'd be so scared of the performance.. of like her getting down on knee, to present me with a key, cheesy corny stuff. and I knew right away I wouldn't run away.. but the fact she thought it.. well we talked about it last night.. and basically I said that Im going nowhere.. unless she is with me.. that i do see this as forever, and I want forever, I want the whole deal. and if it ever happens I'll always say yes. 

is it weird? to talk about these things.. more than likely.. but I just feel it... and i also am terrified of it, because it's so deep within me..
it reminds me of a tree. or seed of a tree being planted. you know? and as we spend more time together it is growing, and rooting itself in me that I don't ever want to let it go, and I definetly want forever. but is it normal to think of it ever being gone? i hope it's normal.
I don't think theres anything I've done, or she has done to hint at the idea of break up, but when you think of the depths, time, love we've poured into one another.. the tree planted.. it's like could you imagine it ever been uprooted. I don't want that, but I also I don't know how much control I have over that.. 

For awhile I thought about our beginning, and I'll always think of it.. because I had no idea she felt what she felt for me. and when it came to light it was and is beautiful
I am cheesy enough that I love the first time she kissed me, I love the first time she held my hand, or kissed me at a street light, or our first hook up.. 

there's so much.. and I also thought about when we first added one another on social media. it's funny because neither of us snooped through our facebook stuff, but in my investigation I realized no one can actually see anything on my FB because i've marked everything private. lol 
an she was all cute saying she took me at face value, rather than what was on my social media. 

I don't know... I just feel happy today. and I just want to be in her arms, or her in mine, and I just want to do anything everything with her. there is no greater love, an nothing can take that away, I feel completely utterly tethered to her, and I don't know how to deal with that, I feel my insecurities consistently creep in, and my friends repeatedly reminding me that she's stuck it out with me, she's chosen me, just as I've chosen her, and we are in this together, and we are not going anywhere. 

I am planning shit for this holiday,. cause sadly.. neither of us have family we can go do the christmas holiday with so I kind of want to have the christmas stuff for the kid, but I want us to be able to travel and get outta here.. .I don't know.. 

is it sad? that neither of us have anyone?

when it comes to approval for being her lover, I apparently have her family to worry about, but for me.. there isn't really anyone who's looking out for me.. and anyone who ever said anything isn't people who know either of us. I don't know.. maybe I'm now overthinking it.. but I just want happiness, and i want to be able to give that to her each and every day. for the rest of my life. 

because weve been through so much, just want to lavish in the love and happiness....... maybe with the habits still present because we accept one another just the way we are.