I don't know why I do these things.. I feel like it's just insane.. all's it ever takes is a picture, a moment, word, a look.. and then I find myself lost.. it's weird.. is there ever a time where I'm in stable conditions, and content there?
I just wrote I was happy and all and then all of a sudden it ended.. not ended but that I began to doubt? began to let the self sabotage creep in, an i have this huge need to be reassured..and even though she is definetly do that, I don't feel it.
and then I ask her things and don't get the answers.. and then I feel like it's all going to crumble
I cannot even begin to tell you! How much it is insane! one year ago exactly today! we took her out for nachos, we I don't remember why we went, or why we invited her.. as we sat there.. and I only thought my best friend could go out with her, and then from then on, she reassured the idea.. and it bothered me but I thought it's ok, its not me.
it made me think of a very old friend.. so many years ago.. we all were friends, but we all had that moment where we caught these feelings, and we wanted what all people want, the connection, and I didn't get chosen, because I was searching for someone else, and I have no regrets in that, I think we're better as friends...
but it was funny to literally sit there in the persons house deciding which one of us she would date.
and here we were again.. and even though all the signs were there... I was oblivious and quickly throwing my best friend in the mix..
I didn't see it.. and even though I helped my partner through stuff, and supported her, I didn't see it. alls I seen was the rejection I was in.. from the previous girl who turned me down.
so for MONTHS!!! we talked..months I stuck to supporting her, and being there for her, and talking, and food, and hot chocolates, and just whatver.. and then finally! Finally when I finally turned to my friend and was like dude what is your problem, go jump in her bed. lol she was like I don't think she likes me, I'm pretty sure she likes you. LMFAO!!!
An when I asked the answer blew me away! I was like why didn't YOU tell me! LOL
answer was fear of rejection I guess...
from there it took me awhile... I have to be careful.. my life wasn't what it was before.. and although I've never really had "flings" or very many "one night stands" things have to be different because I have a kid, I have the biggest responsiblity. IDK.
but when she came into my life.. when I finally seen her in the light that she likely had seen me in for that long!
I was IN LOVE! I was all about it, the desire, the need, the love I felt, and even though she had said I said ILY first. sure that's likely true...because I am not someone who will go thro with anything without testing, going through mazes, puzzles, and measuring the person. because like anyone I've been hurt before. several times, and that hurt lives in me, and I have to be cautious.. I can't fall apart I have to be strong, yes I can cry in front of my kid.
I'm talking going through a break up and the pain that feels..
Even though we've been through that.. we for some odd reason are where we are now.. and we are incredibly happy.. and I have no regrets.. except....
I have a secret.. not much of a secret to be honest.. as I said I feel like my world is spinning.. and it's because of being happy.. allowing myself to feel happiness.
and the fears I have about happiness.. an fears of losing what i have..
I wish I could explain it.
but because of my insecurities.. I turn to familiar things.. familiar moments of weakness.. and no it's not cheating, it has nothing to do with hurting the person I love. it has to do with my own personal demons. because I opened the door to my self destruction and I have been re-introduced to it. I don't know if people can understand it..
but..
it sucks.. because Im scared.. Im scared to ask for help, I'm scared to tell my partner how i feel. because I don't want her to spew the bs answers, or some bs verse of greatness, or how we deserve to be happy, etx. I just want to feel what I feel. and let my moments come and go. and I kind of try hide away from it. like try not to show it to those I love. but I feel it. I feel it so strongly.
a part of me wants to race...race into her arms just to be there.. in that moment.. but I feel like it's not going to happen.. its weird because usually I trust her, along with my close friend..,but for some reason I haven't told anyone except my readers herre.
Again believe me it's not about wanting serious harm.. it's about feeling the feeling thats underneath teh facade, underneath the mask, that is who I am underneath it all. and there are VERY few people who know who I am.. the only people I truly trust are people who aren't much in my life.. I try to email, and keep in touch but its very one sided just like these blogs..
I can spew all the deep stuff, but no one really responds.
this isn't my cry for help.. I feel like... what it feels like is like... the world is spinning, and the happiness overflows, the love overflows, and this is my way to level myself out, because I have been truly happy, more than ever and I want to give my partner the world, I want to make the world fall to it's knees before her, but my self destruction helps keep me grounded.. Im not letting myself cloud myself? does that make sense? IDK.
Im struggling.. my brain feels weird..my thoughts feel weird. I need some answers, and yet I don't want to know?
IDK what to think or how to feel..or if I can actually feel at all.
am I really alone... yes we are all alone.
but... not...
My one friend said to me recently with everything I have going on.. I have redefined what family means to me, because I have cut ties with the turmoil of family who only held me down, etx. and now I consider my partner my family. and maybe a select few, but that's my family now.
I just want to get grounded... I don't want to feel what I'm feeling, and I don't know what to think. or feel. or like overthink.. or disect what has been said to me? IDK.. I really don't know..and it's making me a little crazy
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