So... I guess I have a lot on my mind... and realizing that the world is the world... and there are people in the world.. who will try and see the happiness we have and take it away. you know the people who want what they can't have? does that make sense?
i see why it's important not to make too much public..
I can't help but question everything.. I can't help but wonder what would have been.. I remember last year.. I remember it clear as day. and I remember it was one of the first real occassions when I had taken out my partner not as a partner. but as a hopeful to be friends? you know.. Its funny because 3 of us were there and each of us would likely tell the story differently.. and my verison is it was normal... at that time I thought I could hook up my best friend and this person, thinking they were closer in age, and it might be fun, and I didn't think I had a chance.. I knew that it was like not even possible..
what I didn't know was that while we were all there.. apparently with me not even paying any attention, she had been itching to tell me or show me, or something to prove to me that I should be seeing her. you know.. and I wasn't even paying attention.. lol I wasnt even open to it, because it just didn't seem possible.
and months later when my best friend told me.. that she wasn't gonna get the chance, but that she knew that my partner only wanted to know me.. I was like ya right, and when I asked... she was like yep... since nacho day I've liked you.
and the world changed for me. lol
I don't know what we thought it was going to be, but I know that she knew this wasn't going to be a fling, and she wanted to know me, be with me, and we both were just in the same head space, of wanting to be near one another... and
as time went on..
got to talking, got to date, got to it all.. and it was like the first time... in a long time where it felt right, feels right, where there is everything she does is beautiful every word she says, every time I hear her say she loves me. it turns my world.
and we both understand.. this love.. is like no other. this connection is like nothing we've ever had in our lives. and I don't know why but it is also just terrifying because I have to worry about losing it.. doing something saying something, or having people joke to me about making poor choices. and im like why would u say that to me. you know.
For the first time since I was in Ontario... I am happy. I am content. for the first time I'm looking at the future with hope. that's not something I have very often. and no matter what obstacles and things we've had to work through, our love has remained strong and I just want to grip it and never let it go.
it's hard.. because I don't know.. it feels like new territory because I just don't know what is right or wrong ,and what should we be doing or not. I dont know I think Im just struggling..in general.
alls I want is excuses to make my poor choices to make me feel something or whatveer. because I feel so lost that sometimes when people talk I don't even listen, because Im trapped in my own thoughts. and no one no one knows where I am, who I really am. and I'm getting crazy. I guarantee I don't know how to explain these difficult moments.. I Just feel like I have something to say or bury? I don't know and I don't know who to trust. who to turn to, and what that truth may be. about what Im doing, what Ive chosen for myself.
I don't know.. Im struggling with that
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