Ive been in a weird head space..on top of being completely in love with my partner.... Im now finding myself consistently talking, thinking, dreaming of what I want in the future.. I absolutely can see it, dream it, think of it...
I don't know if Im completely crazy or if its a reality of a life Im choosing to live you know.
I told someone... recently that Im going to say again... Im at a place in my life... that of all things we've been through I could not imagine it ever being possible to love, care for, or want to hold, touch, or kiss another human being ever again, the phrase "you've ruined me" comes to mind about how I feel... because I see this as our or my forever because I absoluetly see the future with her.. and I am so happy about it...
I told someone that I can't imagine ever loving this intensly ever again.. because what we've been through what we've helped one another through cannot even be the same as anything.. I have nothing to compare it too.
it is my first in a lot of areas, which makes me wonder what it is like for her... to recieve these messages from me, when Im pouring my heart out, and telling her that I love her so much, and the intensity even in that, and saying things like I need you, or want you forever.. and her response is stuff like your wish is my command..
Im beyond grateful.
With EVERYTHING
Everything I've thought about in my life.. it was usually me loving someone but them not loving me, or them loving me, but me not feeling the same..
It has rarely felt like it's lined up for me... and for what feels like the first time.. it's intense.. and terrifying.. because we are not really like living together, or being around each other all the time, but when we are there is an intensity in it, and that is what keeps us coming back for more. I guess.
I want a future that is worth living.. worth everything.. I definetly want my name change, want to grow my kid up to be somewhat good, and I want to have children, I want a job that will provide for my family, and that's what my mind is thinking of...
I recently decided I'd like to try enroll in a school to try and get a license.. so that I can get a better job, and move on from this job.. I have known for awhile that I wasn't gonna get anywhere any longer because the job has totally judged me, and basically held shit against me, that has nothing to do with this.. and instead of letting me be a seniorty of nearly 10 yrs, I've been mistreated, and being told now I'll never move forward again, because they have held shit against me, so Im going to school and moving on, and starting fresh somewhere, so that when this beautiful future happens I can finally get the money and life.
i no longer have the shitty family holding me back, what I mean by that.. is that I no longer associate wtih people who only pull me down, weigh me down, people who make me feel obligated to provide for them. its been a year.. and it's been great, and the last few months having my brother living with me sometimes to help out, or just to have that family connection, it's awesome, and I realize how free I am without the burden, like i'm required to provide for, I was blowing some serious cash trying to make sure they had food, and shit..
and now I don't and it's been going well for me.
I just want to move forward... I want to move on, and I want the future that has my partner with me, because I don't know what the hell to do.. without her.. I don't know if I'll ever IDK... I think Im completely crazy for her, and she knows it, an feels the same for me. which is amazing.. because we are in the LOVE. lol
CHEESY!! fun!
Moving forward..
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