set me on fire

 I can only write what is true for me... I have been in a beautiful head space... I have been continuing to remember our first of everything, an trying to remember the best moments, or fun times.. I don't know.. it's been a while since we were able to have a good time, good moments, good laughter, and for some odd reason it finally happened and I realize...all over agian this is why i absolutely utterly love her. 

There has been so much going on in the past month and trying to make sure that we weren't focusing on our relationship, because her health matters more than anything you know.. so we basically just let me be there for her, and let us just flow.. in love.. like we're together but were also just not focused on that you know? does that make sense? I'm trying to supportive in what she has going on, and what she needs to focus on, and that is more important in long term, as I had said before.. our love story is long story, this is one chapter,

however..this past few weeks things seemed to have shifted a bit..and it's like we're back in the phase of absolute love.. I just miss her, crave her, desire her, I have missed strolling down the street hand in hand, or kissing her, or sleeping next to her. etx. so we got to do all these things adn everything flooded back, and I remmeber my first visit of seeing her in hospital... she had said she knew she missed me but didn't realize how much she did, and that when I left she cried, because she missed me that much.
I have totally been supportive... and I'm grateful for the love we share.. 

It has me thinking...of the future... funny because she called me about the future as well, and I was astonished.. because our plans are beautiful. Our future will continue to be worth waking up each day, and for me... im all in.. and I feel she is as well, we talk about forever, we talk so much sometimes, that we can totally stay in presence and no words need to be spoken. CRAZY

I finally had a chance to go through my text messages...because whats funny...is when I first asked her to come out to lunch! LOL!!! I have it saved in my phone, and it was since that moment or even before that i don't know.. but she was interested in me... she was ready for me.. but I was not ready for her.. as it took me like three months before I even considered it.. even let her come into my life on the actualy gf level. it's such a trip of a story.. its our love story, and it's beautiful funny! and full of love, devotion. and all the time since then and all that we've done to stay grounded in one another. 

No matter what I need to do, no matter what she needs to do, we are going to make it. we are going to get through it all, and that is what makes me so excited. because I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without her. I absoluletly love her. and cannot wait for forever, for real forever, the death do us part of forever, lol I know have to wait for all that but as I said.. Im all in. and it's been a different kind of love than all others. \

Now that Im done rambling!! ABout how insane I am!!!

THere is no pressure in this love that I am afraid of, but I am generally a psycho at heart, and I am completely crazy in all my forms.. I am by far not perfect, and have faults and a lot of the time I dont get how I have friends, family, or a lover who has and is willin to stand by me forever, or even some past lovers lol. 
regardless I am grateful... but theres another side to the coin...because Im crazy.. 

this other part of me.. this darkness of me, is itching, wanting, desiring to crawl to the surfrace... and tapping at something that is deep within me, adn sadly I am slowly becoming weak to these moments of something that I desire, something that makes me survive the moments, 

I have talked about it with my counselor...but the truth is.. I don't know how to let it go... i dont know who to trust, and I don't know why it such a huuge part of me, as its ongoing for decades.. because it is part of who I am, and the desire for it is growing stronger.. I don't know what to think of all that...

but i figured Id mention it because it kind of scares me... and I don't like that..because Im trying to stay happy with my partner, and my kid..but theres a part of me that is who I am..