Mind Race

 Well I started out the day when everything seems to be going wrong.. and for some odd reason... just a message, a text... and my whole world changes, and then I spend the day in these deep thoughts... 
I don't know if Im going crazy or if this is reality.. 

I have spent basically the entire day thinking about my relationship... how much love there is that we share, and how much power we have over one another? or alongside one another? the love and strength we bond over. and the desire, and the connection, and the everything.. 
Today I thought I was all like slick.. in saying something like I want her to feel like a queen the world bows at her feet, and then she goes an says Im her universe.. lol

some times the words are so intense.. it's like... it's deep... a rooted depth of my soul connected, literally tethered to her.. 
I absoluetly don't know how to make it through the day.. am I crazy.

I spent the afternoon singing, dancing, in the car of course lol. but I couldn't help but want to run away. I wanted to sneak away just to see her, kiss her, whatever i could to be in her presence because the days are so long sometimes that I just want her.. does that make sense?
of course she was busy.. but I wanted that.. Just that one... just that one.. and then I just don't know if that's me.

It definetly gets better than this. Im a little terrified... Am I saying too Much? should I be more quiet? more loud? more present? more distant... people say the heart grows fonder as we are apart.. but we spend so much time apart and not as much together, can we just have time together.. lol to grow into one another even just a little? 
it seems so strange.. I mean it's good but I miss her.. I miss seeing her face. holding her hand, and kissing her lips, or just the scent, the touch, the feeling of absolute love.. I don't know.. 

Its normal... to have find love and want it to be closer right?

I feel like the world has us apart so often that I just want it to work out. I want to be able to have her in my arms! I want to be able to have a night where I can treat her beyond well, that we can have fun, whether that's dancing, or eating, or whatever... I just want us to do something. I want the world to know we are in love. I want to reach for her, kiss her under street light, and snuggle her during a movie at a movie theatre, or play footsies at a restaurant. 
I don't know. I just want to be able to do more... 

not that I don't enjoy and love being alone at home, or her home, or at the beach or wherever. I just want her to have special moments with me that she's like never going to feel that, or whatever anywhere else you know? 

liike this upcoming weekend... we're planning a family day. and I hope it works out, and I hope it's beautiful, adn this time Im not inviting anymore people because I realize I can't control a large group, and I just wnat to be with her and my kid. I just want days like that you know? where we can bond together...

Other than my obvious mind race..

I recently found out... that as mch as I am my kids guardian.. I still am not his birth parent, more so I realize that there is a chance... that one day... one day his parent's might come back.. believe me as I've said before I want them back in his life.. I want them to connect etx. however I also want a boundary in understanding that I've given up, sacrificed so much, and Im not his birth mom, but Im his mom in all other ways in the meaning of it. you know.. 
I want them to have that respect.. as much as they may have their ideas that I "planned" this.. there is no damn way anyone can plan for this.. and several of these examples is that i almost became homeless, I lost my job, went on welfare, I literally went through fire to get my life together that benefits him
Instead of spending my money on things for myself.. I threw  alot of money at his benefits of life, essentials, and deisres, wants etx. I have done a lot.. 
anyway... the reality... is that... 
there is a chance.. they may come back.. and may come for him... may be a long drawn out process if it ever happens.. but... what should I do? people told me I'd have to adopt him. but... as much as I wnat him forever, I also want him to be with them, I want to be a part of his life forever, and having him has proved to me that I am capable of being a mom..
I never thought I could do it.. 

I want his parents back, but I don't want them to take him away from the life I've provided. I am open to letting them slowly come back in his life, and to make changes so that he can have several supports, as well as like co parenting you know? 

I don't know.. my mind is racing... and I have so mhc going on.. Im feeling a little stir crazy and I just I just need to gather this shit.......