Unknown world

 Tell me that its over, tell me you mean and that its true. All from a song! But truly how I feel because I feel like I'm a fool.. I am standing around thinking about everything in the last 6 months of my life, and hearing all this bs..and feeling like garbage..
I had to ask myself...when were we happy!? when was I ever in a place that mattered for us to be in a relationship. Why in the world won't she let me show her my parts of the world? my parts of paradise? why does it always have to be city limits... I Hate the city more than anything!! 
when my best friend and I left last weekend I felt so guilty that I got away, that I went to my favorite parts without my love, but I also have to remember my life can't be on hold because of her situation... 

I want to share those moments with the love of my life, but she doesn't want to share them with me... I don't understand why... then I go into all this bs that maybe she doesn't love me, even though she said she does. she says all this bs about me not understanding her.. but reality is I feel like I understand her but we deal with our own trauma in different ways.. and I wish I don't know..

CAN WE EVER have one damn good day! I feel like we've had them somewhere... and I just miss that.. I miss being someone who is worthy of that love? devotion? admiration? I DONT know!

What is it about this fuckin relationship that has kept me here for so long, and hearing her say why don't you leave like you did last time.. I won't leave me because that is NOT WHO I AM!!! even if that's how I feel. I feel that way because she's made it clear that she likely feels SOMETHING for me but that it'snot enough for her to open up to me. 

I hate feeling like this! I seriously wish i had all the money in the world or even jsut enough for gas money to jump in my car and drive off. I would love for her to come with me but I also get that it may never happen, and that really sucks. I don't fuckin understand why someone is content with the city limits, when I can show her all parts of BC, I can go anywhere, everywhere.

I don't know... I don't understand...

I just miss having good moments. I miss laughing. I miss random fun of greatness. I wish for more. I want more.. she said she is willing to make changes but I've asked for this more than once and never had anything ever come of it.. I feel like... just going on with my life. and letting her come if she wants to but just carrying on.. is that wrong? its just so shitty.. I've seen such beautiful parts of my hometown..well not my hometown..but my roots.. and I just want to explore. I want ot bring my kid there to show him the beauty adn hope that somehting sticks and that he will be curious and want to know more one day you  knwo.. to keep teh cycle of our family history moving forward. IDK> 

I just want somethign more than a shitty crowded beach in the nasty cold ocean.. when we can be swimming somewhere beautiful with beautiful water, and scenery.
Id rather do that than be here..

even though I don't have the money to do it. I just can't stand being here... 

ANd my best friend is willing to do that with me.. why can't my partner want that with me too?! why is it so hard to ask for that!

the world is the world. but I just want to get out... I want to change our scenery you know?

I got angry with her yesterday. adn she asked what i wanted from her.. and I said nothing.. but I don't know what I want... I want the good days we had once upon a time,  I want the devotion? love? anything other than what we have now.. I want the bs pain of her suffering to stop... I want her to be happy with me. but I don't know if that is possible because I don't think I am someone who makes her happy? but I don't get why she keeps me around if I AM NOTHING to her....
she says I'm everything to her.. but how does that makes sense.. MY LADY was my EVERYTHING and I went above and beyond for her, and was always by her side..

when my partner texted me "I NEED YOU" I was there. but when I need her.. IDK.. she's been there except lately..lately it's just me on my own. and unknown relationship that IS MOVING NOWHERE> i'm losing my mind.. I wanna cry. I wanna scream, and i wanna know why she wont walk away from me.. if I make her that unhappy.